I suck at flirting

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Red_Toaster, Sep 9, 2018.

  1. Red_Toaster

    Red_Toaster Fapstronaut

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    Just got back from a date with a really nice girl who, understandably, wasn't really interested in coming back to my flat. I got a "maybe next time" but I think it's a "no", I'm not gonna push it, we're still cool.

    Asking girls out, engaging in conversation, listening with genuine interest, banter, anecdotes, texting - yeah, sure, no problem.

    Offering compliments or implying that, yes, I'm having a great time now but I would also like to get in her pants - nope, no idea, can't do it. Feels weird.

    It's partly that I still have this weird view where I'd find it shameful to let on that I'm just as horny as any other guy on the planet. It's also partly because I feel like virgins like me are completely unqualified to try seducing someone. It's mostly because I'm concerned that any compliment I offer a girl will come off as horribly cringey.

    So my question is: Am I an idiot for thinking that it's okay to suck at flirting and rely on the rare occurrences where flirtation comes naturally from good chemistry with someone?
     
  2. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    It's okay to suck at flirting sometimes. Sometimes you can't win them, and it's nothing personal. Just like you and I have our preferences. The important thing is to put yourself out there and make that effort.
     
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  3. Hey I'd say that flirting isn't really our strong suit, I think you and I are similar in the way that we can ask out girls and engage in conversation, but when it comes to flirting we have a hard time getting her attention. I would say that we should leave flirting to the "playboys," and instead focus on being a good date by being an absolute gentleman.
    Open the door for her, get her flowers, always compliment her beauty, and in general just be a gentleman to her. Even though that is the opposite of flirting, I think a lot of women will really like the fact that you treat her with such respect and humility, which will make them attracted to you.
    Also I know what it's like to be a virgin and feel inferior to other people with experience (I am a virgin), but one way you can look at it is that you are saving your virginity for someone special, instead of just screwing every girl you can.
    And the answer to your question is a definite no, you're not an idiot for thinking those things at all. After all we are dating to find someone special, so you know if you found someone good if you have good chemistry with them, whereas "playboys," will have a difficult time finding someone special because they only know how to get in a girl's pants, instead of how to get in their lives.
     
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  4. Red_Toaster

    Red_Toaster Fapstronaut

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    Hey man thanks for replying.
    Personally, I don't see any need to label people as "playboys" or "gentlemen", and neither do I see why someone can't be both polite and sincere but also playful and enjoy more temporary relationships. The ideal for me right now would be good chemistry with someone I like and trust which develops into mutual sexual attraction, but not necessarily a long-term relationship - my question is more about what I can say or do to help that develop.
    As for waiting for someone special - I'm actually kinda over that, I'd rather just start having some fun, but you do you.
     
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  5. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    I don't really have a lot of experience when it comes to flirting myself. But I have learnt something the few times I have actually had a connection with a girl trough flirting.

    People are usually more funny and attractive then they belive themself. I myself used to think I was boring as fuck when it came to talking to girls. But what I learnt after hanging a lot with girls at my school (and some more dating experience) is that when I stop overthinking, I am a lot funnier then I would belive I was.
    Something else I learnt is that many people think they have to be funny all the time. Thats not true. Keep a normal conversation, ask her questions - and if she says something you can relate to that is funny - say that (but don't be rude). If you don't know what to say, don't panic. Stay calm, maybe look around where you are - use your surroundings and start talking about that. Maybe you can create something funny out of your surroundings or keep a simple conversation that can lead to something funny.

    But I don't know how much values my tips are to you. I don't really know how you act in general, if you struggel in general to keep a converstaion going or what?

    But I myself often struggel too, sometimes it work sometimes it does not. Just means that you are two different people with different intrests.
    But I hope there is some value in what I said, good luck!
    And practice is important.
     
  6. Burrich1

    Burrich1 Fapstronaut

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    So I’ve said all this before in these forums, especially in the dating during reboot area. Anyway, i think it may be good advice for flirting.

    Before I started nofap, I had tons of social anxiety. I use to go out to clubs and people watch and if I went with someone it was cool, but unless I knew someone there, I just kept to myself. Anyway, I noticed a few weeks after I started nofap, my social anxiety was significantly less. I was at a club one day by myself, and I didn’t know anyone. I was doing my usual people watching and I decided that if I think something positive about someone, I’m just going to go tell that to the person. Usually it was some girl wearing an awesome dress or another girl who obviously spent a ton of time on her elaborate hair for that evening. I would approach them, and tell them what I thought. No one was ever offended or thought I was weird for talking to them. Now sometimes they just smiled and thanked me. Sometimes we struck up a conversation and talked for a while. A few times, I think they were surprised anyone even noticed and bothered to tell them. I had plenty of people I talked to come up to me later, like at the bar, and start talking to me. And these people would introduce me to their friends.

    Anyway, I’m not sure if you suffered from social anxiety like I did, but honestly, even if you haven’t, most of what I experienced can apply to you. If you think something nice about someone, just tell them. Then your compliment doesn’t sound forced or contrived. You don’t need to over analyze anything. If your having a great time, just tell them. It will all be natural that way. Best of luck!
     
  7. Hetr

    Hetr Fapstronaut

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    I feel that porn and even masturbation can numb us. We lose some kind of authenticity when we try to make contact with others. You probably already know what you should and what you shouldn't say, but it's not instinctive, it doesn't fit in the ''flow'' of the conversation. Without porn and masturbation, I personally feel more sociable and more authentic.
     
    Clean Plate likes this.
  8. I don't think I've ever flirted, or if I have, I sucked big time. And those cheesy 'pick-up lines'? Never
     
  9. To be honest, all these years I stupidly waited for the girls to come to me, when it should be the other way around
     
  10. Clean Plate

    Clean Plate Fapstronaut

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    Oh man thats how I was in my high school days lol. Its true though. If youre not good at flirting (same as me) its a skill you can develop. There's a approach anxiety program I will try at goodlookingloser.com, hopefully this year or next, and it seems ridiculous but theres a book I just finished reading called "The Game" by Neil Strauss and it had some interesting ideas in it. I suggest the book. Good luck man!
     
  11. I had zero interest in relationships all throughout high school. I didn't start dating until my 20s, and I solely used dating sites. Since I was at my peak of hardcore PMOing, social anxiety kept me from trying in the real world. After all the shitty dates I've gotten off of dating sites, I figure the real world is where it should be
     
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  12. Clean Plate

    Clean Plate Fapstronaut

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    Well you said it yourself, you were at the peak of your addiction. Maybe the shitty dates, in my opinion, were because you felt like shit (self esteem, depression, etc.) that comes from PMO. I used to be on POF years ago when I wasnt on PMO. It didnt go nowhere and Im soon to try it again. Isnt the point of dating sites to meet the women, who you chat with, in real life. Or is there also dating sites where you just text (sexting etc.)?
     
  13. No, they mostly had little to no interest in things to do or were psychos. I remember my first girlfriend lived two hours away by car. I drive out there and she had no motivation. My most recent was a overbearing control freak
     
  14. Clean Plate

    Clean Plate Fapstronaut

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    Thats how the game is man. You got to keep meeting and discovering new women until you find the one thats awesome to you.
     
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