If you are going trough hell, keep going

Day 11

I usually post at the end of the day but just wanted to tell that I woke up at 8 am today after the best nights sleep in months. I always feel like a wreck in the morning but not today. I think today is going to be good. I am going to meditate now for 30 minutes and then eat some breakfast.

 

And btw: Positive thinking does wonders. It is hard to think positive thoughts when you are depressed. Cognitive therapists have told me many times that I should try to think positive thoughts when I'm down. Sort of fake it until you make it. I did that and didn't really believe in it. But now when im on nofap I dont even have to try. It happens by itself.

 

My crush just left. People around have noticed our chemistry the last few days and asked if we where going to stay in touch. I got her number before she left. She asked me for directions to my apartment so looks like she is very interested in continuing from here. I am still very anxious and insecure about how to proceed. I need a couple days to get to my senses. I am planning on calling or messaging her in a few days. I am secretly hoping for her to contact me first but I doubt it is going to happen. I dont want to wait too long. Stuff may cool down if I start thinking about it too much.

My first real test starts now. It is going to be though to handle urges when my emotions is all over the place like now.

 

Bad urges tonight. A girl asked me why I am still single when im so handsome a couple hours ago. Feels good. I told my therapist about my years in middle school today. About how I used to stop people from getting bullied, not caring about my own safety. Made myself a target. Didnt hang out with the cool guys because they where lame and I hated to take credit for stuff I did just because I had to. People gave me names like "the king" etc and I hated it. She had a name for it. I dont remember what it was called. She said it is a rare personality trait and that she wish more people would do the right thing rather than to scream for attention. It is like if people collect money for charity and post it on facebook. What are they really after? Doing a good deed just for the sake of it or make other people think better of them? I liked my psychologist example. It was quite interesting to learn this about myself. I didnt know it was a name for it.

 

Day 12

Today is a though day. I am sad because this girl left yesterday. I am sure she misses me just as much so it should be a good thing for our relationship in the future. I realised how tired I am after all of this. I just want to go to sleep and not talk to anyone. At the same time urges are getting to me. It is tempting to give in. Nothing is certain about the future. I am going to a cabin trip with a friend next weekend. When I get back from that, it is 1 more week in the hospital before I am moving home for Christmas.

I am not sure what to do. I am falling for her. I want to contact her after the cabin trip and ask her on a date. That would say in 10 days. It feels a little long to wait until then but I cant find any time in my calendar any sooner than that And I am sure she is even more anxious than me so I dont expect her to message me at all.

My job the next 10+ days is to take it one day at a time. Right now urges are though. I need to figure out ways of making myself feel good with myself. I am going to start meditating more. Hit the gym. Whatever I do I must keep up this streak.

 

"Dont use your energy on fighting the old but on building the new". -Socrates.

"If not you, who? If not now, when?" -Zen master Rinzai.

 

On my phone right now. I made it trough another day. Today was really though. Strong urges and low mood, low energy. Tried to meditate but could not concentrate at all. I can really feel some withdrawal symptoms. Right now the only thing on my mind is how to get a date soon. I wrote down a list in my diary about what the best thing that can happen is if I invite her on a date. I choose to look for solutions rather than look for what sort of disasters is going to happen. I feel more positive after writing down that list. I think the chance of rejection is pretty low. I just have to try.

 

Day 13

Woke up today without any urges. They did however sneak up on me. Lying in bed in the morning is a dangerous activity. My hands unconsciously move down there. When I realise what I'm doing I quickly pull them back but even just touching is enough to give me a really hard time with urges. This can only happen in the morning because I am not fully awake. The solution to this is to just get out of bed as quickly as possible and go wash my face. If I go back to bed after it wont be as bad because then I'm awake and can consciously decide not to touch myself.

 

Plan for the day:

This is something I often do. plan out my day. I want to share it here too. Maybe it helps me doing more stuff.

1) Meditate first thing in the morning.

2) Do some laundry

3) Do some boxing at the gym

4) Shower

 

"walk like a God ad your Goddess will come to you" -unknown.

 

Check out yourbrainonporn.com , its a great resource.

 

Almost trough my 13th day. Today has been really though. Fighting urges all day. And I feel so angry.. At everyone. What got me trough today is that I was hanging out in public places most of the day. My mind was racing. I was so angry at the institution I am at. I feel like they are a bunch of lazy, unprofessional people. It may very well be true but I shouldn't be so angry about it. Suicidal thoughts also sneaking in.

I meditated today. Was unable to focus. My mind was racing but I still did it. Also did my laundry as I said this morning.

I got so tired in the middle of the day that I went to sleep for 3 hours. Urges was peaking around then. It was so painful that I couldn't figure out any better way to get trough than to go to sleep. This is a withdrawal symptom. I have experienced it before when going on long streaks. From this point I am threating this like a full blown meth addict recovery. It is like the addiction is testing me to see if I am really serious about quitting.

 

Maybe the link below is helpful for some. It helps to know that some of the symptoms I am experiencing are common withdrawal symptoms when abstaining from cocaine, heroine alcohol and also from quitting porn. I always found day 1-3 pretty hard but the real withdrawal symptoms usually come at a later point (between day 10-30, varies from time to time and usually lasts for a few days). After day 30 or so it usually starts getting easier.

https://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/0.WITHDRAWAL.pdf

 

The basic virtue for a human being is to be true to yourself – integrity of thought, emotion, and action. #SadhguruQuotes

 

Today has just been about distracting myself as much as possible and it worked. I am quite proud about myself for managing to get trough two shitty days without giving in. The urges have loosened its grip for now and I can safely go to bed. Weekends are the worst in my opinion. Weekdays are usually more busy. Looking forward to a new week tomorrow.

I need to establish more coping strategies to manage my urges long term. I am reading more about addiction in general, posting more on the forums. Distracting myself with Netflix and spending more time outside. Doing chores. Going to hit the gym very soon. I need alternatives to get my daily dopamine hit. I was too tired today for that but I think I am going to manage it tomorrow.

Going to keep up my meditation practice. I need to make it a routine again.

I am more motivated to contact old friends and girl friends now. I am automatically flirting more with girls close by. Eye contact is getting super strong. I was at the mall today and girls left and right turned around to check me out. I can sense my own sexual power. I dont look as good right now as I would like to but with that in place this is going to get really good soon. I used to work out a lot before so I just need to get started. A year down the line I can pat myself on my shoulder for what I started today.

 

Day 2

I relapsed after 13 days clean. I didn't notice a lot at first but it quickly went downhill. The urges right before the relapse was very though but in hindsight it was not worth giving in. I was generally feeling okay before the relapse. I was having serious withdrawal symptoms like anxiety, OCD, violent thinking, a lot of anger, insomnia. But I was also feeling pretty good in between all of that.

After the relapse I felt awkward again around people. No eye contact. Shame. Now I have constant thoughts about escaping and ending my life. Everyone seems hostile. I have brief psychotic episodes. Yesterday I escaped the hospital because they forgot to give me painkillers. I was convinced that they tortured me.

@azdak thanks. Your comment is appreciated. At this point I have no option but to do Nofap. My life situation seems chaotic. I need to get out from this hospital I am at as soon as possible. I am supposed to be here until January which would mean that I have stayed here for 8 months. Its nothing more they can do for me. I am sick and tired of people controlling my life. I want to move back into my apartment, get myself a cat and an aquarium, then contact my future girl friend and hopefully finally be able to live a normal life.