If You Know Your Partner Is Lying...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by alphazingersalsa, Sep 1, 2019.

  1. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

    so my soon to be ex husband, father of my daughter told me that he will be working today. I snooped around and found that he had riding clothes packed up. I am guessing he will be riding with his suspected AF.

    If you were in my shoes, would you:
    A) confront him before he leaves
    B) confront him end of day
    C) leave the confrontation for later
    D) never confront him at all.
  2. It's none of your business. You're getting a divorce. If you want to make things even worse than they already are then sure confront him and be prepared for the additional discomfort you will both be subjected to. I would also stop calling him your partner if he is your STBXH.
    Kiz Whalifa and RUNDMC like this.
  3. It's none of her business. If she already knows that she is going to talk to him then she is wasting her time here asking for advice from the rest of us.

    Regardless of who is getting a divorce, their relationship is over. One thing is for certain, the other guy is pursuing something with someone else. Even if OP is jealous or unhappy about the situation, it's not any of her business. My advice is to fast-track the divorce and settle as quickly as possible and separate properly as quickly as possible and work on moving on with as much privacy as possible for both parties.

    If OP cannot handle not saying anything to their STBXH then they should talk to a therapist about that and look into some exercises to practice discipline and restraint. Some things are better left unsaid and seeing as she admitted to snooping the only person who is going to get heat for this is her and she is at risk of him having an outburst for sticking her nose into his private life. I'm sure that OP is fully aware of this already, so what they decide to do is up to them and most likely they have already made up their mind without our 'help'.
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  4. Did you even read the post properly? They are getting a divorce. In fact from her past posts it seems to be her choice also, so she is even less responsible for what he decides to do with his free time. You and your partner aren't getting a divorce and you and your partner are in a different relationship where neither you or your partner are seeing anyone else (I hope). You are comparing apples to oranges and you cannot just transmute your own anecdotal experience here.

    They are getting a divorce. They are no longer 'partners'. Therefore, it is still none of her business.

    At the very most she could ask why he lied but my answer is the same. He will most likely be outraged that she snooped through his private affairs. Thus the result will be the same. She shouldn't say anything.
  5. I think you're the one who is complicating things. A marriage isn't over when the divorce finalises. It's over as soon as one of the participants devices to give up on the current agreement. It seems the OP has filed for divorce a while ago and the guy has absolutely given up on the situation too because he's out canoodling with someone else. Thus the relationship is over. I don't really care what you think about what was written in writing on some piece of paper somewhere. The validity of the marriage certificate has nothing to do with anything here and doesn't give her the right to stick her nose into his private life. If it actually did mean anything then obviously her STBXH wouldn't be out with another woman now would he?

    The facts are these: A marriage is a commitment to each other. She broke that commitment by filing for divorce. After that, you're free to do as you please with your own life, but that doesn't mean there won't be consequences if you go snooping.

    It could also be that he's not doing anything and OP is just being pedantic.

    Either way, I'm just repeating myself. My answer is still the same = she should say nothing. End of story.
    Kiz Whalifa and need4realchg like this.
  6. If you aren't even going to read the post to get an understanding of the situation, then why are you even replying?

    Anyway it's not relevant what you think is a functioning relationship here. We're talking about OP, not you and you don't seem to have a handle on OP's situation. So I'm really confused why you're even replying. Either way, I'm done with this topic.

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

    He filed for divorce, but you're right about everything else.
  8. Yeah I got finished reading the main context here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/yet-another-porn-widow-my-journey.240316/

    Absolute train wreck of a relationship. Best for both of them that it is over. He's obviously not able to be faithful and she's got absolutely no respect for his privacy. At this point I'm bamboozled why she remotely cares what he's doing. Sure hope that before she gets into another relationship she at least stops going through literally everything of her partner's private affairs though. The 'porn' part of her story sounds like the least of their problems compared to everything else.

    Anyway I want no part in this. I think the first smart decision she could make would be to stop snooping and stop involving herself in business that is not her own.
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  9. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

    I didnt file for divorce. HE DID. He is in denial. If I had my way, I will
    Walk with him to heal. If after all the therapy he still wants a divorce, then I will be more ay peace with it. But to continue on a divorce with a hijaked brain, it pains me.

    I still treat him like my husband, when I can. He is the one who is continously lying to me, even tellinh his family that I have issues that is why he filed for divorce. He DENIES having a
    Porn problem when I have documented proof of his habit dating wayyy back - shortly BEFORE we started dating. He did this all to our family in the middle of post partum depression, after a miracle post infertiliry treatment baby! My child is less than a year old, so pardon me if im in pain or half crazy sometimes.
  10. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

    Why do I care?? He is the father of my child!!!!
    Ges852 likes this.
  11. This really sucks I know personally what it feels like when someone checks out of a relationship. Sorry your going through this its not fun . The good side of this is you get to reinvent yourself I did and I feel better each day . Be patient and kind to yourself these things take time to heal .
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2019
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    I’m going to say it gently . Don’t ask . You know the answer . Just like with everything else . It IS NOT just your opinion . It is not paranoia. You didn’t cause any of this . Don’t undo any of the work you have already done by listening to anyone that has BEEN ON NOFAP FOR A DAY . Trust yourself more . Do you . Stay YOUR course . I know this is not what you wanted , he’s your husband, you love him , but at this point , don’t cause yourself any more hurt honey . Don’t stop asking questions even if you know the answer . Everyone on here has the “need” to feel validated. ❤️❤️❤️
  13. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

    Thank you! I was beginning to think Fapstronaut Number was my husband. So much resenent towards the story
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Just ignore anyone that hasn’t been in your shoes , or anyone that doesn’t have the empathy that you need right now ❤️
  15. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    I get where you are coming from but they are currently married and doesn’t seem like they are separated yet. Regardless, people still have feelings even if they are in the process of beginning to end their relationship.
  16. Wow.
    You have a reason to hope.
    May I ask questions?

    Why do people hide things ?

    Let me say this from the point of view as someone who has methodically planned affairs ...— you might be surprised to hear this—-but it does sound like he cares about you somehow, somewhere.

    If not, all would be in the open.

    I hope you find a way to set healing boundaries. My thoughts are with you. I appreciate you sharing this story
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  17. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear of your struggles. Sounds like you're partner is in complete denial. I think I am at a point where I am trying to be break through that denial but my wife has been hanging on for so long she see' that denial as reality. I can't imagine how it feels for you or for my wife and I think that is the major problem
  18. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    He is a porn addict, a philanderer, an abuser, that you got right. He has also put her in a position, unknowingly, where she is gonna be a single mother to a small child. He has walked out on both while still legally married. And he has done so while showing the utmost cruelty and disrespect to the woman and child he was suppose to protect and love with all his heart.

    I don't see why his freaking privacy is so damn important. He is filth.

    @alphazingersalsa don't ever forget that you are better than him and there is more love and support for you out there than you can imagine.
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    I was wondering the exact same thing.
  20. DoItforHer1990

    DoItforHer1990 Fapstronaut

    I thought the same thing. It's a little hard to keep track of the discussion, but I just assume being in a relationship that heads towards a divorce is just awful. I'm a husband myself and just to think about my wife leaving me...I know it's not much support, but I think about you. I truly hope you have kind people around you that travel with you through these difficult times. And I truly believe that you can hope for a better future.

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