im at a loss

E

emily123help

Fapstronaut
Hi, im not quit sure where to start, iv been with my boyfriend 7 years and we are great together the last couple of years things changed his mood the way he talks to me at first I presumed he was just in an awkward phase as I had been talking about wanting to take the next step towards engagement we have a beautiful daughter whi is tree I thought maby because his life with me changed so much from his home life that it was justgetting him down, until recently I asked to check his phone to see the way my whats app looked like on his he refused several times but as we were in company he gave in bit done something first and of course because I was suspicious I checked and he had just cleared his search history, I questioned him as soon as we got in he gave me abuse and told me I was nosey and it was none of my buisness two days later still not speaking to me I briught it up as it qas the reason for our fight he continued to tell me that I didn believe him that he was looking up engagement rings and didn want me to see as it was supposed to be a suprise I eventually got to the bottom of it and he told me it was porn and that it was a problem he was so ashamed at first I said I wud have liked the truth rather than be lied to especially about rings, but I said porn is ok as weve watched it together before but he said it wasnt just now and then its every day and not just once a day. Im at a loss as im heart broken over the situation and the lies I dont want to turn my back on him or our family but I dont know how to help him or heal myself from the hurt and pain.
 
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you had to discover this secret. To have it be porn instead of a ring is terrible! It's good that you found this forum because we can help both of you. That paths you both have to take are separate, but you can support each other.

First, he needs to take primary responsibility for getting better. He cannot rely upon your research or your support. He must do it himself otherwise it will not work. He needs to see a therapist in person or join an online addiction program such as NoFap Academy or Recovery Nation. He needs to identify his triggers and start avoiding or addressing those triggers. He needs to learn how to cope with stress and anxiety in healthy ways. He needs to build a toolbox of coping skills and distraction techniques. He needs to journal. And he needs to find an Accountability Partner.

Second, you need to understand the wounds this has caused you and take time to heal. It is okay to practice a little self love (massage, salon, quiet time, shopping, whatever you enjoy). It is not your job to be his policeman, therapist, mother, or priest. It's ok to feel like your trust in him has shattered. It's a natural response to being betrayed. Trust will not return until he makes you feel safe again.

Third, understand that none of this is your fault and it is not fair that you have to deal with it. You did not cause this problem and you did not make it worse. He did not turn to porn because you are lacking in any way. I know this hurts your self-esteem and self-worth, and those things will return as time goes by. If your boyfriend is serious about getting better then recovery for both you and your relationship is possible. Hold on to the hope that things can get better.

Feel free to continue to journal and ask questions in this thread and others will help you along. If you need help understanding addiction then ask questions and we can explain how addiction corrupts a person's mind and how that destroys a relationship. I hope you find the information, advice, and support you need.
 
Thank you for the reply, I didn realise how serious of an addiction it could be, as I reserched more I was to be honest shocked to learn how many people suffer with it, when he told me first after the anger from the lies calmed slightly I couldnt speak about it I had no knowledge of knowing how it was making him feel he cryed after he said it and of course all I wanted to do was comfort him but I didnt know what to say I was hurting and felt like I wasnt helping him, he has said he has been looking things up to try help I havent yet told him about this forum as we havent sat peoperly to talk yet, there has been family life goin on and with work today its made it hard last night after I found out I had no worda he asked me had I any questions and the only thing I could get out was he watching while me or/and our daughter where around as lately hes always been on his phone, im not sure what to ask him or how to discuss the suituation bit I dont want to leave it to long incase he changes his mind about wanting to stop or even feel likeim ok with it, if im honest I think im still taken back by it all, I think if it was drugs or alcohol id much more be able to deal with it and know where to go and get help but I dont think this topic is public enough or out there for people ti deal with it, we live in ireland and are supposed to be chatolics but neither of us are big followers of faith due to the proplems with preists that have came out over the past years, as I said I really am at a loss and dont know where or what to start with
 
emily123help said:
I really am at a loss and dont know where or what to start with
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Here are some links to some resources to get started.

1. Read this short article on porn/sex addiction: https://www.nofap.com/porn-addiction/
2. Read this article on rebooting: https://www.nofap.com/rebooting/
3. Watch this 16 minute video on porn addiction (this is the most important video you both can watch to understand addiction): www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
4. For a more scientific explanation of addiction go here: https://yourbrainonporn.com/reboot_your_brain
5. If you want to watch shorter videos on addiction and recovery then watch these:
5. If you want some good physical books then check out the two I mention in my signature below.
6. Join the SOS Support Group for spouses who are in a relationship with an addict here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...he-sos-significant-other-support-group.80312/
 
I have watched a few things about it, I think my fear is asking the questions and actually talking about it with him im afraid im goin to hear things im not goin to like I am good at not blowing of the handle but at the moment I feel so low and dont feel like im emotionally able to talk, im goin to have a look at your links now and see if hel watch with me might help bring the conversation into light.
 
You should have only one important question for him, "What are YOU going to do about this problem?" Make it known to him that he had to take the lead in getting better. Tell him you are going to focus on your recovery because your emotional well-being is just as important as his recovery. He needs a plan. Part of that plan should include better communication, helping you, and ways you can work together to improve the relationship.

We know it's hard for our to move forward after having one of the most traumatic experiences of you life. You don't have to figure out all the answers now. You need time to process. However, your boyfriend does not have that luxury and he needs to start doing something right away.
 
Last night told him about this and let him read what I wrote , we both watched your links and had a really good chat until till 3 this morn I think I done good as far as letting him know what I need from him iv also found out what he needs from me, we just touched on the matter of being intimate and I feel it be best to wait for a while just so he can focus on getting better and after that we can start all over again and when he realises that the things he wants and sees arnt real and not ok for our realationship I know well have a much better sex life as at the moment hes been looking for things that I wasnt ok with and it was just getting to be like a chore or just giving in to keep him happy, what do you think the beat things or advice wud be when it comes to sex, hehas told me hes not goin to ask oe try look for it he said hel wait until im ready and ok to do it, he feels like im disgusted with him, but im not I dont feel any negative emotions towards him in fact it I feel sympathetic and all I want is to help him now and be there for him I underdtand its a struggle for him and I did thank him for being honest but I do feel that it explaines alot especially when he would have got thick with me for not agreeing to certain things, I enjoy sex especially with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but as I said it hasnt been great for awhile and as well as him emotionally hurting me for not wanting to do certain things, he has made promises and clearly does want to stop ita been 3 days since he has watched anything and already I see he has become more productive at home im still not sure if its him wanting to keep busy and really is trying or if its him just trying to make him look good to keepme sweet I do believe in him but with the lies and secrets its hard to trust him100%
 
Kolbe said:
I cannot read your original post due to its terrible punctuation.
God Bless.
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Apologies about that, im using my phone and was trying to get everything out as it was coming into my head. I was also very upset trying to type it out and had tears rolling down my face. Commas, full stops and spelling wasn't a priority.
 
Don't worry about your spelling or punctuation. This journal is your place to purge and vent and express yourself however you want. I'm glad you had a productive conversation with your boyfriend.

Whether or not to have sex is up to you guys. It's good to take a break if the addict has porn flashbacks, fantasizes, can't stay emotionally present, or has intense chaser effects. If there are marital problems and the wife is angry/hurt then it's good to take sex off the table for a while. If he has been trying to bring his porn fantasies to life in the bedroom then that is unhealthy either, especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable. An addict's mind is in a constant state of excitement and it will feel uncomfortable for them as they go through a detox. Some addicts will try to use sex as a substitute to keep their minds constantly stimulated. But addicts need to take a break and allow their brains to return to a calm state of mind. Then, normal sex will start to feel satisfying to them again. It's up to both of you to decide how long to wait and what constitutes 'sex'.

Don't judge his progress by how he's doing over the past few days. Addicts can often feel great for up to a week, but the urges eventually will come back. The most common time between relapses is 7-10 days. He must be prepared with a plan to deal with the urges when they come. He cannot just try to get through it with willpower alone. Planning activities outside the house and with other people is one effective way to stay busy and out of trouble.

Trust will also take a while to return. Don't feel guilty for not trusting him. He will have to restore trust with a thousand small acts of kindness. Addicts need to show by concrete actions that they are changing and they can be trusted. Don't put faith in the promises of an addict. Trust what you see.
 
I do think it would be best to take a break, I also feel that it is his fantasies from what hes been watching as he would randolmy do things during our time in the sheets and id sorta just think where did that come from but didn think much into it as I just thought it was him trying to hard as he has had a problem with thinking he wasnt equipt with a full package below and has told me from the start that he always thou he didnt have enough lenght or gurt and iv always told him that its perfectly normal and that no penis is the same and that it puts a smile on my face but that wasnt good enough for him he has only opened up and said last night that his feelings about size is becouse of what he sees in these videos and is comparing himself. I understand it wont happen over night, im not sure if he does, withsome of the things iv read about how the brain works and how it has to be trained again to be satisfied with things other that the high he gets with watching he told me he wouldn't watch a video from start to finish he wud fast forward and continuously click from one to another.
 
Its been five days since he has watched anything, I feel like he has become more attached to me hes been close as in hes holding me having lots of cuddles and doin things that I love and we havent done in ages even as far as interacting with our daughter dont get me wrong hes a great dad but hes noticed himself even being that bit more chatty with her, im wondering is this a normal thing to become more close as he was whitdrawn from us before or is this a sign of something else, he has been so open and even told me he was finding it hard yesterday as he had urges to watch he keeps handing me his phone if hes goin to be on his own if I pop out for a min or if hes goin upstairs as he wud usually go to the bathroom and spend ages in there as thats were he done most of his watching, im not sure if im doin enough for him he keeps thanking me for being there for him but I dont feel like im doin much.
 
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