So finally I decided to join nofap. I just wrote down my first post now – the introduction of myself. It has become a long post. But writing it down already helped me to get a bit of clarity where I stand right now and where I want to get. Well, where shall I begin? I’m 35 years old, live in Germany, have a wife and a small daughter. PM is a problem in my life since a long time. I remember that I started masturbating and having orgasms rather late at the age of 17. I cannot remember if I downloaded my first orgasm-porn-image myself or if I got it on a cd a friend gave me before my family had an access to the internet. However I still remember the first orgasm in my life watching porn pictures. I even remember the image I came to. It was the picture of a brunette lady wearing underwear and white socks. The feeling was so great. And I was so surprised since I had it never expected like this before. From 17 to 18 I had so to say my late puberty masturbation phase and enjoyed it a lot. At the age of 18 I had my first gf, we had a great time and sex as well. I had sexual problems, came often too early, but did not connect it in this time to my habit watching porn. In general PM seemed not that problematic for me in this time since I still lived with my parents and just had not so many possibilities to watch porn. When I got my first own flat during my studies I could remark that it was difficult for me to stop PMing. But since I still had sexual encounters with real women and in this period not many “technical problems”, still the problem for me was not that obvious. Later I changed the university and had so to say a depressive episode. I cannot tell if watching porn was the main factor for this episode. I think it was one of the factors. I had to study quite a lot and I didn’t really enjoy it. When I was learning at home with my computer it happened quite often to me that I wanted to study and then gave me the permission to watch porn for five minutes or so. Often I ended up, PMOing much too long, much too intensely. During this period of my life I got in contact with the teachings of Samael Aun Weor. Since I was at the age of about 21 I was very interested in spiritual stuff. I read the autobiography by Yogananda, other books like that and decided to walk on the spiritual path, developing myself and so on. I really liked the teachings of Samael Aun Weor. The webpage gnosticteachings that is mainly based on his teachings offers a lot of stuff for spiritual development. The core of the message of Samael Aun Weor is white tantra. Samael Aun Weor says that profound spiritual development is only possible if one does white tantra with his or her partner without ever spilling a drop of semen. According to him the semen is the essential fluid to build up a higher consciousness and has only to be used for the spiritual growth. It would lead too far at this point to describe the concept further. For my introduction it is important only so far that when I heard about this spiritual path that I really admitted, I really saw the necessity to stop with my PMO habit. And it was probably the first time that I became really clear that I could not just stop it but was addicted. The thing is from this point on, I considered masturbation no more only as a bad habit but as a real problem that destroyed my spiritual progress. When I masturbated then I felt worse than before and kind of guilty. So when I PMOed I felt much more depressed than I felt before. In the years after this despite of yoga, meditation and other spiritual exercises I never really got away from PMO. I met my wife in 2008. We had a good sexual time at the beginning. I tried to convince her that we should do white tantra from time to time to create energies for our spiritual growth. But it did not really work. Having sex without orgasm and not feeling overheated afterwards is not that easy if you are not well trained in this kind of things. My gf considered me much too worried about that energy thing and told me to relax. So we often had normal sex, from time to time tantric sex and I still had my PM habit, what was never a problem for her. The time went by. Sex with my gf and PMing always went side by side. I’m not sure how PMing influenced our relationship. We had sex regularly. At a certain point she became ill and did not want any sexual intercourse for some months. At first this was ok for me but then I could remark that something was really missing for me. But I decided not to push her and lived my sexuality more privately by PMing. Two or three years later we came to a point where I wanted to give our sexual relationship some new impulses. At first she was ok with that idea. We decided to experience some soft bondage sex. First we talked about it and I was sure that she really would like it. So I decided to prepare me a bit. I bought some ropes and a book on how to tie somebody erotically. I was so happy that our sexual relationship would become a bit more exciting again. I think at this time we were a couple for about four years and our sexual life had become a bit boring. We had booked a holiday and in the week before I really could not wait for the holiday to begin. We had no flat together in this time. So the week or the weeks before instead of watching porn I really fantasized of her and me being together and having really exciting sex. But then, when the holiday began, it all went not that well. I started the holiday very hot and would have loved to have sex with her every day. But she was not in that mood and so in the first week we already had very different ideas on how a romantic sexual holiday should look like. In week two I told her that I had bought some ropes and so on like we had talked about weeks before. She seemed not very happy about it. Nevertheless she pushed me to try it. So we tried it though I knew it wouldn’t work that day. It became a waterloo. I did not do anything weird or so. But she was not in a good mood and could not relax. We stopped the whole thing. She felt overstrained. I felt rejected. I continued PMing and our sex live went on somehow. But it became less and less interesting for me. Two or three years later I again gave it a try to spice up our sexual relationship a bit. She always wanted to know what I like sexually and what I would like to experience. So one day I prepared a folder for her and filled it with 15 small letters with sexual fantasies in it. Again – not weird stuff or so. I had great fun creating these letters. I thought of her and us and of the excitement we could experience together. I did probably some M while I wrote the letters but no P. I gave her the folder as a present. But instead of being positively surprised she again felt overstrained. I think the felt like I wanted to push her to do several crazy things even if I underlined clearly that all the letters where just an invitation to new experiences, that nothing had to happen and that I really did not expect her to try any of these fantasies if she didn’t really want it, too. I think at the end we tried two or three of the ideas. Most of them she never commented on even if I begged her to give me a short feedback for each of the letters. What I disliked the most was – I wrote one letter to motivate her to write a letter on her own, to share one single new sexual fantasy with me even if I already knew it. She never did it. When I asked her later she told me that she had no fantasies or ideas at all and that she had no talent in so to say erotic writing. I felt a bit rejected or at least sad that my plan to speed up the sexual life with my gf/wife again didn’t really work. So we continued, having normal sex from time to time. It’s ok, but I am not really happy with it. All the time I always tried to get of my PM habits. I had several counters and many many streaks. If I try I usually can to a PM/PMO streak of one week easily, even if I am without my wife and there is so to say no external control. Under beneficial circumstances like holidays or so three weeks can be easy as well. But if I’m on my own (I’m quite often not with my wife because of business issues) two weeks are already rather hard. Since I did not see any real progress with all my fighting against my habits about two years ago I decided to try something new. And this is a point where still today I am unsure. As I wrote down before I really appreciate the spiritual idea to hold back the semen to use it for higher goals. And apart from spiritual concepts I experienced it a thousand times myself that spilling the semen means a loss of energies. So for me it’s absolutely logic that one has more energies in life if there is no PMO. But next to these spiritual, biological or psychological concepts that insist on not wasting energy through orgasms there are many other concepts that say that it can be very dangerous to try to transform the sexual energies if the time for the person has not come yet. I think Freud himself found out that the suppressing of sexuality can cause severe damage as neuroses and so on. So many great teachers like Wilhelm Reich or Osho propagated the idea that one can only be free from sexuality and sexual urges when sexuality is really lived, when orgasms can come freely. I remember a quotation from Osho. He said regarding the control of the semen some people have so to say a diarrhea, others have an obstipation. So I decided to live some of my sexual fantasies apart from the relationship to my gf/later wife. I wanted to try to free my eros, my suppressed sexuality by living at least a small part of my desires that I only could dream about in my own M fantasies or by using P. The main rule in this project to experience myself apart from my gf was never to hurt her. I would have liked to tell her my urge to meet other women but I was sure at this time and still today she would never understand and accept it. I did not want to have an affair since I saw a high risk that my gf would find out. An affair as well has a risk to fall in love with the other person. And I don’t really want to fall in love with somebody. I’m sure that I want to stay together with my gf. So I decided to meet some escort girls – not for real sexual encounters but to start with to live one special sexual desire in me. At this point I probably should remark that prostitution in Germany in general is legal. Prostitutes can be easily found in the internet, there are sauna clubs everywhere and certain streets or houses where you can just walk in and have sex with them like in Amsterdam. Up to now I never had real sex with an escort. But I lived a fetish that is in me since I am a child – a foot fetish. Since I was very small I loved the feet of women and especially I loved it when they wore socks. I assume that I am not the only one with this fetish since in many of the big porn tube or porn pic sites socks make a specific porn category. However during the last two years I met several girls and kissed their feet. Looking back I must say that I don’t regret it. Just doing it was a big task for me. At the beginning I was always very shy and somehow anxious even to call such a girl, enter such a place or talk to her in real life. Now, after may be ten encounters or so, meeting a girl and chatting with her is very easy to me. I feel a growth of self-confidence. Of course I still don’t know if it was right to meet these girls. From the moral point of view I would probably have to judge myself for betraying my wife or so. But moral all the years before didn’t help me to get peace. Moral often brings feelings of guilt and shame. But guilt and shame don’t bring you forward. So where do I stand now? Meeting escort girls didn’t bring me the sexual peace I am longing for, but it gave me some sexual fulfilment apart from porn and it made me more self-confident. The sexual life with my wife is still active, but got bored. So why did I join nofap? PM is still a part of my life and I think that it really harms me. I spent too much time with PMing, I waste too much energies and I still live too much a dream instead of living my life – my sexual life as well. My greatest wish is to become free of the sexual urges completely. I would love to be a white tantric who has regular tantric sex only with his wife and gains energy for a genuine spiritual progress. Until this is possible I would love to live a healthy sexual relationship with my wife with “normal” sex. So in the next weeks I will probably try to talk to her once again how we could refresh our sexuality together. Probably there are still many misunderstandings between us. May be nevertheless I will still from time to time meet an escort girl and have some fun with her. I’m not sure about it. What I am sure about it is to get rid of PM and to a certain degree even of PMO. I will start rebooting and hope that this community might support and motivate me. I would love it to read some comments of persons who can understand me and my situation. I’m quite sure that many of the persons in this community can not and would just judge me on the basis of their doctrine. If there is somebody who is in a comparable situation like me and is looking for an AP I would be happy to get in contact as well. Thanks for reading, thanks to the creators of this wonderful movement and these webpages!