In the early stages of a reboot after a bad relapse...

A few things to mention right from the start. Are you quitting this addiction because you want to or because she wants you too? If it is for the latter, you may be sober, but you won't be in true recovery. Quitting has to first and foremost be in your best interest regardless of where your relationship ends up.

Second: she doesn't owe you her support. If you get it from her, consider yourself lucky. If you don't it is not her fault. You're the one that betrayed her, and to a lot of us SO's, this is the same thing as physically cheating. So to put it into that perspective may help you understand a little bit more about why she reacted the way she did.

Third: trickle out confessions and withholding of information will mentally damage her worse than full confessions. If you don't feel as though you're able to give the full confession or feel you may lie under pressure, work out an arrangement with her where you can email it to her or something. The lies, any gaslighting, and dishonesty will kill the relationship faster than the addiction itself will. The addiction causes considerable damage. Lying only pours gasoline onto the fire.

This is something my husband and I have talked about on numerous occasions. He is celebrating 9 months clean. That is great on his part and he has support and praise he receives on here from others who are navigating their way through their own recovery. For me, however, it has been 9 months since he's last cheated on me. We don't look at it the same way. Am I glad he isn't doing that anymore? Of course. But if he had not done it to begin with, then we wouldn't have had to rebuild everything from scratch such as trust, understanding, etc.

It is great you found yourself a counselor. That really is an awesome step because it is very difficult to do stuff like that when you suffer from addiction. Being able to pull yourself up a few steps out of the pit you were in is a small, but still awesome achievement. If you've not started a journal on here yet, that would be a good step. Finding an AP would be another great achievement. Connecting with others who are also struggling will help you on your journey to recovery.

Read some of the SO journals on here if you're able to. That will help you better understand what your partner is experiencing and can help you help her better. If she is not in therapy herself, it would be a good idea for her to look into that because if she goes unhealed, your progress will never matter to her. She has betrayal trauma, which is a form of PTSD. Seeing a trauma specialist will help her.

Your path to healing and her path to healing are separate. However, the path to healing the relationship is going to be one that is going to require a lot of work on your part. I have asked my husband many times if he was sure this marriage was something he really wanted after he would act out because to us, we don't see that. You're going to have to prove it to her. How? That will be something you'll have to figure out on your own, but I can tell you that it is going to take you getting to know her as a person. Really getting to know her. The addiction skews the perception and reasoning abilities of the person and creates a whole lot of cognitive distortions not only about others, but also about yourself.

Not trying to sound harsh with all this, but having a full understanding of her perspective will help you heal the relationship.

 

Of course this is your fault, you are the one failing to recover. Is your job to fix you, not hers. Is your job to go and talk to a professional, is not hers to make you do that. You are the one that need to do something to get better.
She had your back for 5 years, that's a lot but now she is no longer in your team. You let her down enough times so know she doens't belive you can get better. You failed her as a man, she can't trust your masculine core so she is bitchy around you.

For you, get help. If you are not capable of solving your own problems then go and ask help from a professional. You need to fix yourself in order to be a happy whole person so you can go and share your happines to your partner. The only thing you are sharing with her is your failure in this matter and she having to deal with it and is affecting negatively her life. do you want that?

For her.. you want a woman that is on your team, a woman that is your cheerleader in everything you persue. Of course she was that all of this years but you failed on her, is understandable that she is no longer in your team. But is not acceptable that she is bitchy about it. You don't like she treating you trat way, so don't let her do that. Set a healthy boundry were she only can treat you kind and with respect. If she is not willing to treat you that way and be supportive and on your team to help you achive a win against porn, then she is not helping you and you should better stop been together.

 

You are getting quality insights from some highly reasonable women. One thing I appreciate more about my gender because of observations I've made on this sub forum is the innate ability to adapt a perspective that can reasonably connect a difficult emotion to a behaviorsl solution. I've noticed that PA's, once on a well founded recovery journey, seem to pick up this skill as well and start to have qualities I would define as "dad material" or "balanced masculine maturity". This is a big heap of generalizations, but I think in many ways our society has created an addiction based template of what masculinity is and is entitled to ownership of..... While the feminine for very long now has naturally been stuck to the complementary role, which are both unhealthy parts of an abuse-dependence cycle. I think that one could see the feminist movement as a symptom of pushback against this dynamic, and I feel that current times are a quickening pendulous response of a long- held structure around gender identity, divine energetic feminine and masculine templates which are not in their most powerful state of balance.

Maybe this is a little hippy-woo-woo sounding, but I have a strong pull to this community for reasons other than having been an SO to a PA. Even after a loss, I feel the desire to contribute to this movement of sorts led by you guys who post here and hold yourself up to the light. It's kind of renewed some sense of respect, worth and purpose to humanity that I lost in my young adulthood. I honestly have little faith in humans, but this difficult discovery has been a blessing too. There are humans all around the world here, proactively united toward one goal .....healing.

Knowing heavy darkness and desiring enlightenment....isn't that the basis of spiritual journey? In a way, the very state of desiring freedom from the clutches of PA is the birth of a human spiritual journey. The basic idea that recovery is a spiritual journey is in many addiction recovery circles. However, what stands out to me about this particular affliction is that while each individual has their own challenging struggle to quit porn or acting out sexually for example, there is also a universal under current of the spiritual basis of relationship to each other and our collective relationship to nature as a species. In a way, rebooters are amongst the first significant wave of humans facing the end level boss of all spiritual malady.

 

She was on his team waiting for him to recover.. now she is done with him trying so now instead of walking away from him she started been bitchy with him because of the fact she can't accept the fact she waisted a lot of time on him and he never changed like most people do not. She is so frustrated and is talking all her frustation on to him. He is responsable for not succeding in his problems, she is responsable for staying with a guy that constantly failed to her.

She is all of that at the moment.

Everything she feels is totally real... but she can communicate that to him. If he don't like the fact she is been bitchy then he don't need to put up with that. Or she communicate in a loving manner to him that she is hurting or she should not comunicate at all.

Communicate, don't be bitchy about it.
In that situation i would heard everything she have to say if she come to me addressing the issue with love... if she comes from complain, frustration and been bitchy.. then I will tell her that the only way I will listen is she is going to talk to me kindly, if not that there's nothing we to talk until she think about it an is ready to comunicate properly.

No, I will strongly suggests her to move on with her life. But... if she still what's to be on his team after 5 years of frustations, been bitchy is not the way to do it, and not something that he need to put up with or any person in the world. Or she is going to stay and be lovable and be her first cheerleader or she better move on with her life and find a guy that don't have this issue and he can keep working on his problems.

 

Perpetrators of pain don't get to set boundaries. That's not how this works. He is the one causing her pain. He is the one betraying her. He is the one lying. He is the one showing her how much he does not love her by repeatedly hurting her. He does not get to tell her how she gets to feel or react. She is allowed to feel and react however she needs to. She does not owe him support. He has to deal with the consequences of his own actions, and that includes facing her real feelings and reactions. Addicts must face the reality of how their selfish actions truly affect others. Coddling helps no one.

 

Gotta say that what the ladies have posted in the threads above is spot on. I'm about 8 months into recovery and the first 5-6 were very difficult in my relationship with my spouse, who was dealing with all the betrayal trauma I caused. It took a lot of work on my part, with a therapist, a NoFap weekly group, a SAA group, and NoFap accountability partner, reading books, podcasts, etc., and her own therapist, to help us navigate the difficult waters and rebuild our relationship. And we've been married longer than you've been alive. You've got to want to gain recovery for you, to become the man you were born to be, with honesty, integrity, lived values, purpose, before you can be that man that she needs in a relationship. You can work on you and the relationship simultaneously, but it's tricky and you need help from other live human beings. Seek the help, dive in with both feet, sturdy yourself for the ups and downs, and you will get through this. I wish only the best for you and your gf, and may you attain recovery.

 

I would encourage you not to think of seeing a counselor as something implying you are "less than", but even go for a high quality practitioner as a savvy mental health consumer to get your moneys worth. Of course, if you have to learn enough about psychology to judge psychologists to some extent you'll already be doing some self improvement. If it helps you might think of it like getting the best gadget and doing your research, though I guess you have done some I just don't know how much or how much you know. Even if you've settled on one that's pretty good by doing your homework you can just get more mileage out of it. I think the reality is a lot of people can use some counseling but they just don't want to admit it.

 

He do harm to her.. he didn't respect her boundry. (If a person don't respect a boundry of mine i would just walk away and look for a person that is happy and willing to respect my boundries.) Despite that she decided to stay with him, that's on her. He can set boundries of the way she need to behave if she want's to be with him, if she don't respect that boundries then he can walk away.
So she can feel betrayed, disrespected, hurting, etc the action to that is move on with her life and leave the person that make her feel that way behind.. the fact that she decided to be with a guy like that don't give her the rigth to treat him poorly.

 

Good job for making a call. But don't expect a pat on the back for making a phone call after being begged over and over. If my toddler cleans up her room on her own, she gets a ton of praise. if she does it after we tell her 15 times and have to sit there and point things out that are still on the floor, she gets a thank you and we move on.

I've been where you are, a cycle that hurt my wife and finally making the decision to seek real help and get real advice and make different decisions. Going to therapy didn't get me praise. At the time I felt like I should have gotten some, but looking back I get why I didn't. Making real changes in my life, my actions, words, thoughts, etc make the difference.

Right now, with just a phone call and a couple posts on a message board, you've given your wife no reason to think this time is any different.

 

it may not feel like what you wanted to hear, but none of these replies are trying to persecute you. on the contrary, this can be a very helpful thread to you if you can find your way to that mindset. it could take some time and a bit of contemplation of the different ways your situation can be witnessed without harsh judgement. taking steps toward self improvement is never a weakness or a sign of inherently being flawed. it's actually a courageous and self-respecting thing to do. you gf would just be there the celebrate the growth with you, not the reason for it. put some blinders on and get focused on you and what you want for yourself and your future. if you are ok with using pmo, then accept that and be straight forward with your partner so that both of you can find more suitable partners with similar relationship ideals.

 

This pride will keep you in bondage to your addiction. Which do you want more, a happy, long relationship with your girlfriend, or to be alone in the bathroom with your phone and your hand? You can't have both. Your future is up to you. So far your actions have told her that she is not what is important to you, your addiction is. Are you ready to do the work? Because all I've heard is excuses.

 

I absolutely love this quote!