Introducing DirtyDan. AKA DanTheMan

So many things are racing through my head, "Start by saying, 'Good Day Folks', no, no, no, start with, 'I don't know how to start this,' gahh no, it's obviously the right choice to say, 'Hi'." LOL, truth is I don't know how to start, so that is what I really am thinking, not what I want to tell you all.

You can call me DirtyDan. I am 20 years old, comin up quick on 21, and every time I masturbate, I feel like jumping into the grand canyon, or out my window, sometimes I feel like going for round two. I also feel like giving up the practice every time I do it. I feel disgusted with myself, and unworthy of friend and companionship for not having been able to control my own body and mind.

I did masturbate tonight, and before I did, I actually almost found this community. I was searching Reddit for "Unexpected Nudity", something like when a woman sits down on the bus and her skirt flips up in just the right way and exposes a little too much flesh. Gee wiz, I don't know how to respond to that one. Maybe, don't sweat it too much Dan, even though your brain tells you to look, you don't need to. You can not and still be DanTheMan.

Believe it or not, when I searched "Unexpected Nudity", the nofap challenge popped up as the first suggestion. Naturally I thought, "Jesus, homie, I know you're trying to look out for me, but I want to see some of your female creation." So I quickly back tracked and found what I was thinking I wanted... Ended up masturbating to... well, maybe that is a little to much. I don't know how real I am allowed to be here. I masturbated to an orgy video. All with the innocent thought a few hours ago of, "Oh, I'll just take a look at a few pictures, no harm in that DirtyDan. You can control yourself.

I knew where that line of thinking was going to have me end up. Thank Alex though, because that cycle has been stretching on for years, always with me thinking in the end, "I need to find a support group to share my struggle with and learn how to really fight this fucking thing." Here I am group, loud and proud to be telling you the truth. I will get into the real introduction now.

My Motivations.
I really do not know which motivation is more important. I imagine it is this one, I want to eventually have a loving and stable family with children who look up to me and who I can be proud to teach. Proud to teach them that I truly love them with all of my heart and soul, and teach them how to do the same thing. I also want a wife who I can be proud to love and proud to have love me, and at the end of our lives we can both be proud to step into heaven looking Jesus in the eye, and say that we love each other.
(I am a tad religious, by no means feel that I am trying to make you believe. I am just telling the whole truth of my life.)

I have three more big motivations. My family now. I want to be able to look at my grandparents and feel accomplished when they tell me they are proud of me for having done all of the great things I have done. I want to be able to feel confident at family gatherings that I am happy to be surrounded by so much love and I may truly let it all soak in. I want to feel proud and accomplished around my family. I want to feel their trust in me.

Next, I want to feel confident in my job. I want to feel confident that when I get home from a days work, I can sit down at my computer and just play a videogame with my friend before I go to sleep. I also want to feel confident in the trust of my customers that I am performing well, and a productive and constructive member of society.

Finally, I want to be confident around my friends. I play the role playing game, Dungeons and Dragons, by Wizards of the Coast, and I am my groups dungeon master. This means we all sit around a dinner table and roll dice to see how well our imaginary game character performs in the imaginary world that "I" create. I say "I" because, again, I am the dungeon master, so I create the world. I write the story for my friends to play, and tell them whether or not the succeed. It's a lot of pressure, and the lack of confidence in myself to not control my sexual urges does nothing for my lack of confidence in improvisational public speaking............. By the way, we had a phenomenal last session, they are well on their way to defeat the witch that lives in the swamp.

So to recap. My motivations are-
1) My ability to eventually have, support, and raise a family.
2) My desire for trust and love from my family now.
3) My desire to perform well in a professional work environment.
4) My desire to perform well, and have trust among my friends and in social situations.

From here, I will tell you my goals, I will also be establishing them myself for the first time. My first goal is to go two weeks without viewing pornography, or masturbating. In the past at least 5 years, I don't believe I have done this except when absolutely necessary, such as when I was camping, or in a group home. Makes the big DirtyDan, who writes so well, look like a shmuck huh? Well, I am one, over the past year, I have been able to go about 10 days without viewing pornography or masturbating, and just this month, I can close to two weeks, I may have gone over, but I was not counting the days. AND LET ME TELL YOU, I felt great! I have suffered from fairly major depression my whole life, and the end of that stretch was amazing. I felt trustworthy, I felt confident, I felt strong, but that seed of depression and doubt, I gave it water, and it started to grow again.


So Maybe I should go for a longer than two week stretch? How about this, I will establish a month long goal. I will not watch pornography or masturbate starting today until the end of December. That will give anyone who reads this time to give me words of encouragement to keep up the stretch. But do not feel obligated, the reward for reaching my goal will be a second month of rebooting. As well as something material like a new toy or something. For now though, One month is my starting goal. Writing it out, it seems like I should make it longer, but one month will give me strength.
So to recap my goal-
My goal as of November 21 2017, 10:30 pm, is to not view pornography or masturbate until January 1st of 2018.
That is me folks, you can call me DirtyDan, AKA DanTheMan.

 

Thank you for the words of encouragement.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement as well. I had not thought of my strategies a whole lot.
As of right now, all I have is as follows-
1) I downloaded the mobile app to give me those little bumps of motivation when I am feeling like I don't deserve to abstain.
2) I am trying to pray every day when I wake up and when I go to sleep.
3) I am finding that going to the gym regularly is helpful. It makes me feel confident in my body and strong enough to wait for a real woman.
4) My fourth strategy is, I want to try and make it here every day and give an update on how I am doing. Here meaning NoFap.
I suppose I should spend some time right now mapping out my strategies. I want to do it on paper, but I will transfer it to NoFap when I finish.
I also want to ask what are some of your strategies. I see you have 500+ days, but do you remember what helped you start?

 

Thank you Sunshadow. For your words of encouragement. It's awesome to know someone who roleplays and is trying to get stronger with the PMO challenge. May you roll 20's every day!