Is He Committed?

I have ADHD and I'm recovering from a long running addiction, and honestly I might relapse. A lot of guys do.

All I should say is, he has to make his own decisions. You can't quit porn for him. You also have to assume, unless he specifically says he's not, that he is using and he is going to continue to use until he believes continuing in the addiction will be worse than quitting. Quitting, incidentally, is a miserable experience.

What you say about his behavior changes resonates. A lot of people have the same experience, myself included. If you stay with him, expect that to be the norm, and for that to get worse.

 

I think you should work on your own issues before you make a decision on whether you want to leave or not because you seem to be attracting broken emotional wrecks into your life.

Even if you leave this guy, it's not going to matter because you're going to get with the next guy who has his own unique baggage.

So do that and let him overcome his problems on his own, don't mention it to him again, however set boundaries.

I don't want to tell you to leave but some guys will be addicted for life unfortunately and this guy sounds like he has a long journey ahead of him.

From what you said it's unlikely he will resolve this in a year or two, it's up to you to make a decision but work on yourself before you do it.

Good luck.

 

He has to want to quit. If he is just doing it for you then he will be unlikely to stop. Addicted people usually only take their addictions seriously when they suffer consequences for it. For porn addiction, this could be pied, escalation to more shameful porn or break down of relationships.

This guy could have a lot of failed relationships and a tough time ahead of him before he decides to make meaningful change. Just make it clear that you have lines that won't be crossed and leave when they are crossed. The constant lying for example is not good. That is a breakdown in trust. You have to look out for yourself too and we can't expect to fix people we are in relationships with.

Suggest that he take something up as positive outlet as a replacement for PMO. Something that is active and outdoors away from a computer preferably.

Good luck

 

That is pretty far fetched and you make it sound like everyone's fucked up - and trust me when I say this, some people's problems are pretty ok to handle.

@needproblemhelp8 , seems you're pretty into him. But it's only your decision now - live with that or let him go for something better. Doesn't seem like he wants to change.

 

I am about to sound "rude", but I dislike when professionals (or professionals-to-be) treat their loved ones as sort of test subjects or case studies for what they graduated into. Perhaps it would be better leaving your controlling emotions part aside and be just genuinely apprehensive. That said...

I am tempted to answer like @StarRider here and say:

Because that's just the way it is: a man living his sexuality as a teenage boy, or, in scientific jargon: a horndog. If it is something that rubs you off the wrong way, you either have a conception of a male that borders the angelic or idealistic (much like some men who think women don't masturbate or stuff), or you're ideologically set differently. Either way...if you're here it might be something more than that---something too much. If he can't get sexual themes off his mind it might be due to ADHD fucking with his perception, and too much porn consumption.

The only thing I don't get is the fact that first you say he has undiagnosed ADHD and then you say he would be getting treated if it wasn't for the insurance--it might be a limit of mine though. It is obvious the familiar situation has a role in your boyfriend's behavior. He might be committed, I know plenty of guys who are even at a young age, but not having the complete overview of the situation sort of hurts the accuracy of this statement.

At this point it's best to put it in these terms: if you feel like you can continue to try, and cope with his failures in the journey, stay. If not, and it takes a toll on your mental health, end it. Especially when you say "I love him, I love who he is but at this point the boy that I love just feels like a fantasy" it gives me the vibe that you're looking for a way out. If you can't take it anymore, use that way out. But make sure not to leave on harsh terms: he has to acknowledge porn ruined the relationship irreparably. This will probably shake him to action, if you decide so. Good luck!

 

He won't stop until he encounters a reason to do so.

You don't want him to do it but if your reaction each time is to just accept it and forgive him then he knows there's no consequences to his actions. It doesn't sound like there's a strong enough desire on either side for him to stop so ultimately nothing will change. If it really is important enough to you then you can tell him that unless he quits then you will leave him, however I should say that I've seen this story a few times and 9 times out of 10 the addiction wins out. Also, as mentioned before there's nothing wrong with a young guy "sexualising" girls, porn may exacerbate it but it's still biology at play.

 

This will have to be addressed alongside his addiction. Here are some resources that you can look into
https://www.doctoddlove.com/adult-adhd
https://www.doctoddlove.com/publications-presentations

Dr. Todd Love discusses ADHD and how porn addiction plays a role and why it is difficult to quit any addiction when you have ADHD.

I know you've stated that you have been helping him because you are a therapist in training, but speaking from experience, this is not the path you want to be on. One, there's bias from your perspective because you are the one in the relationship. Two, he is going to have a difficult time separating you, his girlfriend, from you, his therapist. This will, if it hasn't already, make him be even more likely to lie to you and resent you. He needs an outside therapist, an outside accountability partner, and outside group member help. I know therapy isn't an option for him right now, but there are other resources like the one I posted above. I'm not saying you have to read it or you have to learn about it. Those are for him, if he wants to look into it.

You'll have to separate your healing from his if you choose to stay. Whether you do stay or go is a decision only you can make.

There's places on this site that is for women who experience what you're experiencing. We have a section in the rebooting in a relationship area for our journals and where we can talk to other women. There's also a private section for us as well if you're interested.

Like many of the guys have already said on here, he has to quit for himself. You say he wants to quit, but does he want to because he feels it is in his best interest, or in yours? This is important because if it is for your benefit, he can get to a point where he's sober but not in recovery. My husband quit for 2 years because I wanted him to. He was sober, but didn't do the work he needed to do that would have put him into recovery. It wasn't until he relapsed a little over a year ago that he decided to quit for himself. He also has ADHD. He doesn't go to therapy and isn't being treated for it either, but has integrated meditation and yoga into his recovery instead. That has helped him a lot, but he does still have his struggles.

Basically what I'm saying is this is going to be with him for a long time. That is something you'll have to come to terms with should you choose to stay.

Feel free to reach out to any of us SO's on here. We will help as much as we can. Best of luck to you.

 

It's true everyone is flawed in some way, but you took one paragraph out of context from my post and twisted it to mean something that wasn't the original message because it was taken out of context, that's a strawman.

 

Is he committed?
No. I don't see any signs of serious commitment. Buying you gifts is always a temporary solution. What you need to look for is his commitment to your relationship, and commitment to his education and career.

Do you feel valued in this relationship? Do you feel loved and trusted most of the time? If you answer no to both questions, then it's time for you to cut your losses and move on.

You are a brave girl to even ask this question. You should be proud of yourself.