Is He Committed?

[needproblemhelp8]

Hi everyone I need advice!

Note: I am so sorry for writing so much but please take a look and give advice it would mean the world .

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We are each other's best friend and to be honest.. We considerably have the "perfect relationship" besides his porn addiction. For these past three years we have been trying to work through his addiction. However, there has not been all positive improvement.

I want to mention: I do not care about a significant other watching porn. I actually used to watch it with my ex consistently. As a significant other, I do not take porn personally because I do it too and I know that porn does not reflect someones love for me. Well those were my old values until my now boyfriend. My boyfriend has had issues with sexualization, women and etc. It is honestly pretty bad. We mutually agreed that he should stop watching porn because the sexualization and his negative outlook on girls was because of porn and it was his main trigger for it basically. However, he has still continued to watch porn. I would not mind this if he was just honest. I want him to be honest so I know if he needs help and that I know I am not being oblivious to my boyfriends wrong doings. I have found out that he has watched porn a few times and it has never been times that I was intentionally looking. I would borrow his phone because mine wasn't close or anything and it would be right there. Even after its an obvious that I know he still tries to say it wasn't what it looked like or "it was just once" when it was actually multiple. I was always so upset that he did this because I have always created a safe place for him to talk, admit things and etc. If something happens (like I see one of his triggers while we are out together) I say "hey do you wanna talk about it?" If he says no (which is usually) I do not talk about it unless he mentions it first. Additionally, I have this rule of "If I find out from you, I do not really care what happened." Okay, of course I care but I will get over it within two days if he's honest about it. I would much rather know, be aware and especially find information out from him then anyone else because I do not wanna be looking stupid when someone else is like "hey did you know.." and I have no idea what they're even talking about when I should. He's my partner, we should communicate! This was just an example, he tells me mostly (unless he forgets which happens because he has untreated ADHD which I will talk about later) everything besides when it involves porn. I am about to sound real nassricistic (at least it feels that way) but I am also a therapist in training so I do know how to control emotions, give people advice and etc. I am a very understanding person so it is not like he should feel unsafe coming to me.

We have had so many late talks, emotional conversations, heated discussions and etc for the past two years. It really does feel like he wants a change because he deletes social media, puts locks on his devices (like porn blockers but he always finds a way to get porn), he recently downloaded the app that Nofap recommends (I think it's called buddies?), he is in the process of getting a therapist, he avoids girls, he writes things down for him to work on (like if I confront him about his bad behaviors he writes them down to remind himself), he is so sweet with gifts, showing love and how he is with me. He is literally perfect besides this whole damn porn thing. Makes him perfect except for when he starts watching it again he always gets so easily angry, not as loving, emotionally distant and etc. And especially the lying! But talking with his mom, she said that his communication isn't great because his dad was verbally and emotionally abus!ve so he has never felt the safeness to properly communicate with anyone (he does the same thing with his mom who is like his best friend they have the closest relationship). Additionally, he has undiagnosed ADHD which may not seem like a big deal in this situation but it definitely is. I have ADHD too but I started getting treated for mine as a teenager but before I started getting treated I was exactly like him. I was an impulsive liar, I gave up on bettering myself because I didn't have the attention span and etc. He would be getting treated for his ADHD but he is currently having issues with his insurance so he is not able to receive treatment.

I have stuck around in this addiction for two years, it has taken a huge toll on me mentally and physically too. I love him, I love who he is but at this point the boy that I love just feels like a fantasy. I feel like it is emotional abus!ve to stay in a relationship that I do not feel loved in. I don't feel loved because after two years you'd think there would be some progress but after his most recent relapse its become apparent to me that not much has changed. However, after every relapse he learns so much about what to do and what not to do so I stay in hopes that it could be it. He has so much emotional things going on too that we are just discovering (ptsd, adhd and etc) so it feels wrong to leave almost. Like we have already been through so much to give up now but also its the fact that we have been through so much that feels like its a never ending repeating cycle.

Do you think I should leave or go? Does it get better? Is this a waste of time and emotional energy?

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: No we do not live together (we do plan on it in a few months though if all goes well) and recently I found out that he was looking up porn on Pinterest and it was of girls working out.. It is concerning that he is sexualizing a girl doing a normal activity. It honestly makes me feel uneasy being around him.

 

[Meshuga]

I have ADHD and I'm recovering from a long running addiction, and honestly I might relapse. A lot of guys do.

All I should say is, he has to make his own decisions. You can't quit porn for him. You also have to assume, unless he specifically says he's not, that he is using and he is going to continue to use until he believes continuing in the addiction will be worse than quitting. Quitting, incidentally, is a miserable experience.

What you say about his behavior changes resonates. A lot of people have the same experience, myself included. If you stay with him, expect that to be the norm, and for that to get worse.

 

[Quezatolah]

I think you should work on your own issues before you make a decision on whether you want to leave or not because you seem to be attracting broken emotional wrecks into your life.

Even if you leave this guy, it's not going to matter because you're going to get with the next guy who has his own unique baggage.

So do that and let him overcome his problems on his own, don't mention it to him again, however set boundaries.

I don't want to tell you to leave but some guys will be addicted for life unfortunately and this guy sounds like he has a long journey ahead of him.

From what you said it's unlikely he will resolve this in a year or two, it's up to you to make a decision but work on yourself before you do it.

Good luck.

 

[The Passenger]

He has to want to quit. If he is just doing it for you then he will be unlikely to stop. Addicted people usually only take their addictions seriously when they suffer consequences for it. For porn addiction, this could be pied, escalation to more shameful porn or break down of relationships.

This guy could have a lot of failed relationships and a tough time ahead of him before he decides to make meaningful change. Just make it clear that you have lines that won't be crossed and leave when they are crossed. The constant lying for example is not good. That is a breakdown in trust. You have to look out for yourself too and we can't expect to fix people we are in relationships with.

Suggest that he take something up as positive outlet as a replacement for PMO. Something that is active and outdoors away from a computer preferably.

Good luck

 

[Rents77]

Even if you leave this guy, it's not going to matter because you're going to get with the next guy who has his own unique baggage.

That is pretty far fetched and you make it sound like everyone's fucked up - and trust me when I say this, some people's problems are pretty ok to handle.

@needproblemhelp8 , seems you're pretty into him. But it's only your decision now - live with that or let him go for something better. Doesn't seem like he wants to change.

 

[Deleted Account]

I am about to sound real nassricistic (at least it feels that way) but I am also a therapist in training so I do know how to control emotions, give people advice and etc. I am a very understanding person so it is not like he should feel unsafe coming to me.

I am about to sound "rude", but I dislike when professionals (or professionals-to-be) treat their loved ones as sort of test subjects or case studies for what they graduated into. Perhaps it would be better leaving your controlling emotions part aside and be just genuinely apprehensive. That said...

My boyfriend has had issues with sexualization, women and etc. It is honestly pretty bad. We mutually agreed that he should stop watching porn because the sexualization and his negative outlook on girls was because of porn and it was his main trigger for it basically.

I am tempted to answer like @StarRider here and say:

Your boyfriend is fine and is enjoying having sex with you, because that's the only reason why a teenage boy stays for three years with a girl - he doesn't want to marry you, darling. He doesn't have issues with "sexualization", he is a teenage boy full of hormones who want's to bang everything that moves as often as possible - as every boy that age does. That's nature and you are enabling it.

Because that's just the way it is: a man living his sexuality as a teenage boy, or, in scientific jargon: a horndog. If it is something that rubs you off the wrong way, you either have a conception of a male that borders the angelic or idealistic (much like some men who think women don't masturbate or stuff), or you're ideologically set differently. Either way...if you're here it might be something more than that---something too much. If he can't get sexual themes off his mind it might be due to ADHD fucking with his perception, and too much porn consumption.

Makes him perfect except for when he starts watching it again he always gets so easily angry, not as loving, emotionally distant and etc. And especially the lying! But talking with his mom, she said that his communication isn't great because his dad was verbally and emotionally abus!ve so he has never felt the safeness to properly communicate with anyone (he does the same thing with his mom who is like his best friend they have the closest relationship). Additionally, he has undiagnosed ADHD which may not seem like a big deal in this situation but it definitely is. I have ADHD too but I started getting treated for mine as a teenager but before I started getting treated I was exactly like him. I was an impulsive liar, I gave up on bettering myself because I didn't have the attention span and etc. He would be getting treated for his ADHD but he is currently having issues with his insurance so he is not able to receive treatment.

The only thing I don't get is the fact that first you say he has undiagnosed ADHD and then you say he would be getting treated if it wasn't for the insurance--it might be a limit of mine though. It is obvious the familiar situation has a role in your boyfriend's behavior. He might be committed, I know plenty of guys who are even at a young age, but not having the complete overview of the situation sort of hurts the accuracy of this statement.

I have stuck around in this addiction for two years, it has taken a huge toll on me mentally and physically too. I love him, I love who he is but at this point the boy that I love just feels like a fantasy. I feel like it is emotional abus!ve to stay in a relationship that I do not feel loved in. I don't feel loved because after two years you'd think there would be some progress but after his most recent relapse its become apparent to me that not much has changed. However, after every relapse he learns so much about what to do and what not to do so I stay in hopes that it could be it. He has so much emotional things going on too that we are just discovering (ptsd, adhd and etc) so it feels wrong to leave almost. Like we have already been through so much to give up now but also its the fact that we have been through so much that feels like its a never ending repeating cycle.

At this point it's best to put it in these terms: if you feel like you can continue to try, and cope with his failures in the journey, stay. If not, and it takes a toll on your mental health, end it. Especially when you say "I love him, I love who he is but at this point the boy that I love just feels like a fantasy" it gives me the vibe that you're looking for a way out. If you can't take it anymore, use that way out. But make sure not to leave on harsh terms: he has to acknowledge porn ruined the relationship irreparably. This will probably shake him to action, if you decide so. Good luck!

 

[OhWhenThe]

He won't stop until he encounters a reason to do so.

You don't want him to do it but if your reaction each time is to just accept it and forgive him then he knows there's no consequences to his actions. It doesn't sound like there's a strong enough desire on either side for him to stop so ultimately nothing will change. If it really is important enough to you then you can tell him that unless he quits then you will leave him, however I should say that I've seen this story a few times and 9 times out of 10 the addiction wins out. Also, as mentioned before there's nothing wrong with a young guy "sexualising" girls, porn may exacerbate it but it's still biology at play.

 

[DefendMyHeart]

Additionally, he has undiagnosed ADHD which may not seem like a big deal in this situation but it definitely is.

This will have to be addressed alongside his addiction. Here are some resources that you can look into
https://www.doctoddlove.com/adult-adhd
https://www.doctoddlove.com/publications-presentations

Dr. Todd Love discusses ADHD and how porn addiction plays a role and why it is difficult to quit any addiction when you have ADHD.

I know you've stated that you have been helping him because you are a therapist in training, but speaking from experience, this is not the path you want to be on. One, there's bias from your perspective because you are the one in the relationship. Two, he is going to have a difficult time separating you, his girlfriend, from you, his therapist. This will, if it hasn't already, make him be even more likely to lie to you and resent you. He needs an outside therapist, an outside accountability partner, and outside group member help. I know therapy isn't an option for him right now, but there are other resources like the one I posted above. I'm not saying you have to read it or you have to learn about it. Those are for him, if he wants to look into it.

You'll have to separate your healing from his if you choose to stay. Whether you do stay or go is a decision only you can make.

There's places on this site that is for women who experience what you're experiencing. We have a section in the rebooting in a relationship area for our journals and where we can talk to other women. There's also a private section for us as well if you're interested.

Like many of the guys have already said on here, he has to quit for himself. You say he wants to quit, but does he want to because he feels it is in his best interest, or in yours? This is important because if it is for your benefit, he can get to a point where he's sober but not in recovery. My husband quit for 2 years because I wanted him to. He was sober, but didn't do the work he needed to do that would have put him into recovery. It wasn't until he relapsed a little over a year ago that he decided to quit for himself. He also has ADHD. He doesn't go to therapy and isn't being treated for it either, but has integrated meditation and yoga into his recovery instead. That has helped him a lot, but he does still have his struggles.

Basically what I'm saying is this is going to be with him for a long time. That is something you'll have to come to terms with should you choose to stay.

Feel free to reach out to any of us SO's on here. We will help as much as we can. Best of luck to you.

 

[Quezatolah]

That is pretty far fetched and you make it sound like everyone's fucked up - and trust me when I say this, some people's problems are pretty ok to handle.

@needproblemhelp8 , seems you're pretty into him. But it's only your decision now - live with that or let him go for something better. Doesn't seem like he wants to change.

It's true everyone is flawed in some way, but you took one paragraph out of context from my post and twisted it to mean something that wasn't the original message because it was taken out of context, that's a strawman.

 

[confident_cobra]

Is he committed?
No. I don't see any signs of serious commitment. Buying you gifts is always a temporary solution. What you need to look for is his commitment to your relationship, and commitment to his education and career.

Do you feel valued in this relationship? Do you feel loved and trusted most of the time? If you answer no to both questions, then it's time for you to cut your losses and move on.

You are a brave girl to even ask this question. You should be proud of yourself.