Is it normal to have a strong focus on other women?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by snappedouttafap, May 17, 2018.

  1. snappedouttafap

    snappedouttafap Fapstronaut

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    Going through a hard reboot and I have 2 weeks until I hit the big 90. My issue at the moment is the idea of other women. I'm in a 10+ year relationship (only woman I've ever slept with) and I'm plagued with the idea of sleeping with other women. It's becoming uncontrollable... to the point I'm envisioning relationship breaks. It's clear to me that I don't want to break up, but I still want the opportunity to sleep with other women. Obviously, you cannot have both. If push come to shove, I would stay in the relationship. But it seems to be incessant and I can't drive the thoughts away.

    Has anyone else experienced something like this before?
     
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  2. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Okay, in my first big relationship, I was seeing someone for 7 years. She was the only person I had ever slept with. I had a similar thought to what you are thinking. Apparently so did she, because she ended up having an affair. It destroyed me. It took me a while to recover.
    Now I have a new partner. I love her more than anything. But if I could do it all again, I would only have given myself to my current partner. As addicts, we see sex differently than what it should be. It should be about the connection between you and the person you love most. That’s all. When you are older, your life will be in one of two places. You’ll be happy with the person you chose to grow old with, or you’ll regret being alone because you chose to “experience women”. No one ever thinks back and wishes they had slept with more women. They just wish they had more time with the people they love.
     
  3. Phoenix234

    Phoenix234 Fapstronaut

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    Can’t you talk with your partner? Maybe you can agree to a swing session or a club meeting. Better to live it with permission open instead of cheating at some point secretly.
     
  4. noexcuses

    noexcuses Fapstronaut

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    To answer your question, Yes I have experienced this as well. I think one of the things that happens when you stop watching P is that you become more attuned to the real world which includes noticing that it is made up of many women who you may find attractive.
    The quote below (not mine - from another website) I think gives good perspective on the situation.
     
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  5. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

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    Honestly speaking, the idea of my boyfriend not only suddenly realizing there are so many more women more attractive than me but also wanting to sleep with all of them is frankly highly disheartening and makes me want to throw the relationship in his face and run while I still can without having to be sitting in front of him like a stupid idiot unaware he’s sizinf me up against all the opportunities my measly self is causing him to miss out on. I’m not worth anyone missing out on all the fun they want. I’m just not.
     
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  6. danhk

    danhk Fapstronaut

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    Except it's not really that, it's just an overwhelming feeling and a sudden realization for him, that's all.
     
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  7. naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

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    So then what was the point of half of the replies in this thread of thats not the case? I don’t comprehend.
     
  8. danhk

    danhk Fapstronaut

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    Well, I don't really see how the comments in here contradict what I said, alas people are different. Most people that are addicted to porn will act like I stated above, but others may simply use this as an excuse for not being forward with something they dislike (i.e. they will blame NoFap for cheating or not being attracted to their gf/wife when this wasn't really the case). I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to approach this head-on without being emotionally. You need to realize which is the case.
     
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  9. JakeWoods

    JakeWoods Fapstronaut

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    What you’re experiencing is pretty normal to some degree. You have to remember that we evolved to want to sleep with people that we find attractive. It’s just nature. The only difference is that now we have to conform to modern society by doing what society deems is “right”. Meet a girl, get married, have kids. This is what we’ve been taught from a young age. When in reality evolution doesn’t care about that and that’s why your natural instincts to want to sleep with other people is still there and it will never go away.

    Just because you fall in love with a certain woman/man it doesn’t mean that other people become ugly. You can still look at other people and find them attractive... just like your girlfriend/wife will still look at other men and think they’re attractive.

    The only thing that really matters is whether or not you act on your urges. If you truly love someone you wouldn’t cheat because when you love someone you put their needs above your own. So you wouldn’t cheat because seeing them upset wouldn’t be worth the temporary satisfaction that you will get from sleeping with other women. It is temporary by the way. Once you’ve slept with other women you will probably feel good about yourself for a while... but then in the end you’re gonna want the person you love to be in your arms when you fall asleep. Is it really worth losing that for a few one night stands?
     
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  10. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I think this could be a typical part of recovery, but it's just one of the phases and won't last forever. As you get more and more PMO-free time behind you, the addiction is starving. And, as most everyone knows, addiction can be sneaky, cunning, and persuasive, and it's even more so that way the more desparate it becomes. The 'addict' will try anything to take back control from the 'self.' It may include new tactics like making you believe you want to have sex with several other women or you're missing out...anything to sway you into feeding it.

    Keep moving forward, and don't let these things affect your progress. 79 days is a great start to a much better, happier PMO-free life for you and your SO. :)
     
  11. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    What @hope4healing said.

    There is a saying I have heard multiple times in recovery meetings: "While I am in here trying to stay sober, my addiction is out in the parking lot doing push-ups.".

    Addiction is always looking for a new way in. Sex addiction is about novelty of sex. New partners = novelty. New type of acting out experience = novelty. You are overcome with urges right now and are focused on them. That's addictive thinking. There is urgency in this feeling that you have to do something _right now_. That's very different from feeling bored or over a relationship and wanting to move on, which is a rational way of thinking. The former requires immediate action. The latter, you can take some time to get in touch with your real feelings.

    There is another saying that I first heard in Al Anon but I don't know its origins: "if it's important, it's not urgent. If it's urgent, it's not important." So you will have to decide for yourself which it is. I see it as urgent not important from your keywords of "plagued" and "uncontrollable".

    What you decide to do is up to you. I can tell you from where I sit, having casually dated for a few years between marriages, I got bored with it. Don't miss it at all. But to be fair, it's an experience that I wanted to have for myself and taking someone else's word for it just doesn't work for something like this. Whatever you choose to do, there will be consequences and opportunity costs. So all I can encourage you to do is not to make a decision based on intensity and urgency.

    Peace to you,
    -Quinn
     
  12. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    Can you tell yourself. "Ok, self, I'm feeling this way...now I'm going to put that feeling aside and I'm going to make my sobriety commitment. That's the important thing right now. This can wait. If it's important, I will address it. But for now, I have other goals to meet".

    If you can do this for a reasonable length of time and the issue is still there, it's worth further pondering. If you can't put it aside, it's addictive thinking.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
  13. JSJ15

    JSJ15 Fapstronaut

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    I think this is the idea that hits really hard. As we're going through this process pursuing sobriety, our addiction (I would say it's almost a living, breathing entity) will do whatever it can to stay relevant. If it finds that we've successfully (I say that word cautiously) removed one variable from the equation, it will do what it can to keep the bridge (or neural pathway) open via others sources. Sometimes, this is trading one addiction for another. It keeps the bridge still in use, which means that even one slip with the old activity can bring things back quite unexpectedly. I've seen this happen in my own life with fantasizing (or even just looking too long) at other women, even though I'm thoroughly committed to my wife and family. I'm inclined to think that pursuing something like an open relationship or swinger lifestyle would simply rename the addiction. Just like we find ourselves looking up more extreme videos to placate our desires, the same would eventually (likely) happen with an open relationship.

    Whatever you want to call our addiction (the enemy, PMO, normal urges, or perversion), it will do what it can to stay relevant in our lives. The more we starve and corner it, the harder (and more subtly) it will attack.
     
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  14. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    I also have same issue. Sometimes I wonder if I truely want a different partner or it is just the effect of pmo. It's been a year I wonder about this now.
     

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