OrangeGooseKush
Fapstronaut
So I've been into porn since I had acces to a computer. When I was around 10 years old I would always look up porn on the computers they had at school. Nothing to crazy, I would just type in "porn movies" and then click on the first link I saw. I never really watched it. The first time I really sat down and watch porn was around the same age, maybe a little bit older like 11/12. My friend had a porn video on his phone and I couldn't believe what I saw. From that day on I experimented with porn and myself on a daily basis, but I never knew it would end here... with NoFap!
So the crazy thing is I grew up in a household with only females. My mother bought many girly clothes and toys for my sisters and they would dress me up in girl clothing. My parents wouldn't think much of it and neither did I. I can even remember crying and screaming one night: "WHY CAN'T I BE A GIRL, MOM!" Again, my mother wouldn't think much of it and thought it was just a phase.
So back to the same age as the intro. I wouldn't always watch porn and then play with myself. I can remember before I even played with my p*nis once, I had a different view of sex. I would shove thing into my (you know where) and that became my first ever experiences of what I would call "sex". I don't know why I did it and still can't recall why I started with that, but I did.
Fast forward to a time when I was round 15/16. My porn taste changed so much over time, I was already really heavy into trans/transwoman porn and I didn't really look at anything else. I never thought of myself as gay or even bisexual in real life, I was just into some weird porn. The thought that a guy could achieve the same sexiness, the attractiveness that woman have, was just mind-blowing for me. The fact that it was a guy and not a woman just did something with me. In real life my "fetish" couldn't really satisfy me and I still thought the concept of a woman was the most attractive thing there is. So then I met a girl...
We started dating and real soon things were getting serious (for a 15 year old at least lol). I dated her and it was both our first sex experiences. I knew the first time I couldn't even get my little thing hard. I was nervous and thought nothing of it. It wasn't really embarrassing because it was both our first time so we just tried until it would eventually work. I dated her for a few good years and really loved her. I have never felt that love for somebody else, no girl or boy. The thing is. During that relationship I was still heavenly addicted to porn and not just any porn. I was addicted to looking at transwomen. Sometimes during sex I would fantasize about transwomen to be more in the mood. If the sex was boring I couldn't wait to go home and satisfy myself with something that would always work for me. It never really came to me that I had a problem, not a single thought like that entered my mind, but then... we broke up.
Aaaaaaaaaand you're single. So what now? I knew I could get easily depressed so I thought, no porn, no weed no nothing untill I feel like myself again. It worked. I was working out like crazy and I was really feeling good. I was with a lot of girls (not even sex), but I needed to prove to myself that I could get anyone. I needed that confidence. After a while I really didn't need to get with girls that bad, after a break-up the need is always higher. I started watching porn again, a lot. I was still into the same thing: transwomen. I was always the dominant one (I thought about f*cking one of those beautiful "girls" I saw in the videos). In real life you can't really put "transwoman" in your tinder search buttons (thank God for that lol), so I didn't really meet any real persons to have an intimate relationship with. I started smoking weed again and things started to take a turn on me.
When I smoked weed I could really "zone out", like for real. Smoking always seemed very spiritual to me. I would smoke and my ego would fall off. My personality was really lost every time I smoked some, but it felt good. I was never a social smoker. I smoke alone and that's the way I like it, but there is a danger in that. Every time I would watch porn, I would smoke. I forgot everything about the world around me and it was just me and porn for however long. This could sometimes result in staying up all night just because I couldn't get enough. So we all know about the Coolidge effect (if not look it up). My porn preferences changed like expected. I would go from "chicks with dicks" to "man in female clothing" (crossdressers) to "wanting to become the woman myself". Yup, I was and am addicted to sissy hypnosis, the worst of the worst when it comes to porn. It has been like that since the day I broke up.
So I have dated a few girls since I broke up with my girlfriend. It was never really getting somewhere, but I was and am still into girls in real life. I would quit the porn and fapping when I met a girl and became motivated to change for the better. I came across NoFap and thought why not? Like a year ago I met a girl and I really really liked her. I would quit porn for about a month or so and the effects were just crazy. The confidence, the energy. It was just like my whole personality changed. I came from a sort of depressing mood to just a general happiness overall. NoFap really works and I never doubted it.
We never really got together and I would fall back into my old habits. Watching a lot of porn and fapping all the time. No dating, no girls, no nothing. Just porn. For a year I wasn't even depressed. I was just normal for me, because I was into weird shit my whole life. The addiction became worse tho. These hypnosis videos are not for the weak. Combine that shit with weed and your done. When I smoked I really lived my fantasy and I can't say I didn't enjoy it when I was doing it, I loved it. But I knew it wasn't sustainable.
Now I'm here, again. I'm not sure what to do or even expect from the future. A month ago I watched porn ALL DAY and I didn't even want to do anything else. I hypnotized myself that all I wanted to do was watch porn and smoke weed, AND I COULD AFFORD IT!!! I had the time to really do nothing and watch that shit all day. I became so depressed that I wanted to k*ll myself. There was just nothing for me, was this all I'm ever gonna be? A guy who likes to dress up in woman's clothing and watch hypnosis videos all day. I couldn't live with that fact. I'm so blessed that I already knew about NoFap. I knew it was the time for it again and I've been restraining from PMO for about a week or so. I feel the effects always immediately. Now I'm here writing this story. I'm not depressed, I feel good and things are looking good again. But...
The thing is. I'm confused about myself, about my identity, my sexuality. I know I'm a man and I feel good in my body. Dressing up is just an addiction and a fantasy, but why do I like it so much. Why am I into girls in real life and never felt a love connection with a guy ever, I've never have a crush on a guy. I wouldn't even care if I'm bisexual of even gay, it's just that I don't even know what I am. I told the story of my childhood to let you know that the weird thing is. I've been into being girly and submissive when I was younger. Then it just vanished and weirdly enough I became addicted to sissy hypnosis. Could there be a connection with my childhood? Being dressed in girls clothing, could that may be the cause of my fetish? I can connect the dots now, but I'm just a little helpless. I don't even know what I like in real life. If there was a world without porn, would I still be into this? I'm just not sure what I want to get out of NoFap. I'm not like most guys here (no offense) but I'm a open-minded person. I wouldn't give a single fuck if I was really into guys or being submissive or anything. It's just that I don't know. I never write stories like this and I don't know why I'm doing it now. I've NEVER EVER told anyone online or in real life about this problem and I'm pretty sure nobody even knows about it. I'm good at hiding it. I just wanted to hear your take on this. What advice could you give me, if any?
I'm really blessed and fortunate that there is a community online for us. I feel like you are all my brothers, because you who will read this understands me. This is something you could get killed for in real life. The abuse people would give you if you would tell them. This is not something you can understand if you've never been through something familiar. So thank you guys for taking the time to read this insane thread. I'm sorry for the long story, but I'm glad you read it!
So the crazy thing is I grew up in a household with only females. My mother bought many girly clothes and toys for my sisters and they would dress me up in girl clothing. My parents wouldn't think much of it and neither did I. I can even remember crying and screaming one night: "WHY CAN'T I BE A GIRL, MOM!" Again, my mother wouldn't think much of it and thought it was just a phase.
So back to the same age as the intro. I wouldn't always watch porn and then play with myself. I can remember before I even played with my p*nis once, I had a different view of sex. I would shove thing into my (you know where) and that became my first ever experiences of what I would call "sex". I don't know why I did it and still can't recall why I started with that, but I did.
Fast forward to a time when I was round 15/16. My porn taste changed so much over time, I was already really heavy into trans/transwoman porn and I didn't really look at anything else. I never thought of myself as gay or even bisexual in real life, I was just into some weird porn. The thought that a guy could achieve the same sexiness, the attractiveness that woman have, was just mind-blowing for me. The fact that it was a guy and not a woman just did something with me. In real life my "fetish" couldn't really satisfy me and I still thought the concept of a woman was the most attractive thing there is. So then I met a girl...
We started dating and real soon things were getting serious (for a 15 year old at least lol). I dated her and it was both our first sex experiences. I knew the first time I couldn't even get my little thing hard. I was nervous and thought nothing of it. It wasn't really embarrassing because it was both our first time so we just tried until it would eventually work. I dated her for a few good years and really loved her. I have never felt that love for somebody else, no girl or boy. The thing is. During that relationship I was still heavenly addicted to porn and not just any porn. I was addicted to looking at transwomen. Sometimes during sex I would fantasize about transwomen to be more in the mood. If the sex was boring I couldn't wait to go home and satisfy myself with something that would always work for me. It never really came to me that I had a problem, not a single thought like that entered my mind, but then... we broke up.
Aaaaaaaaaand you're single. So what now? I knew I could get easily depressed so I thought, no porn, no weed no nothing untill I feel like myself again. It worked. I was working out like crazy and I was really feeling good. I was with a lot of girls (not even sex), but I needed to prove to myself that I could get anyone. I needed that confidence. After a while I really didn't need to get with girls that bad, after a break-up the need is always higher. I started watching porn again, a lot. I was still into the same thing: transwomen. I was always the dominant one (I thought about f*cking one of those beautiful "girls" I saw in the videos). In real life you can't really put "transwoman" in your tinder search buttons (thank God for that lol), so I didn't really meet any real persons to have an intimate relationship with. I started smoking weed again and things started to take a turn on me.
When I smoked weed I could really "zone out", like for real. Smoking always seemed very spiritual to me. I would smoke and my ego would fall off. My personality was really lost every time I smoked some, but it felt good. I was never a social smoker. I smoke alone and that's the way I like it, but there is a danger in that. Every time I would watch porn, I would smoke. I forgot everything about the world around me and it was just me and porn for however long. This could sometimes result in staying up all night just because I couldn't get enough. So we all know about the Coolidge effect (if not look it up). My porn preferences changed like expected. I would go from "chicks with dicks" to "man in female clothing" (crossdressers) to "wanting to become the woman myself". Yup, I was and am addicted to sissy hypnosis, the worst of the worst when it comes to porn. It has been like that since the day I broke up.
So I have dated a few girls since I broke up with my girlfriend. It was never really getting somewhere, but I was and am still into girls in real life. I would quit the porn and fapping when I met a girl and became motivated to change for the better. I came across NoFap and thought why not? Like a year ago I met a girl and I really really liked her. I would quit porn for about a month or so and the effects were just crazy. The confidence, the energy. It was just like my whole personality changed. I came from a sort of depressing mood to just a general happiness overall. NoFap really works and I never doubted it.
We never really got together and I would fall back into my old habits. Watching a lot of porn and fapping all the time. No dating, no girls, no nothing. Just porn. For a year I wasn't even depressed. I was just normal for me, because I was into weird shit my whole life. The addiction became worse tho. These hypnosis videos are not for the weak. Combine that shit with weed and your done. When I smoked I really lived my fantasy and I can't say I didn't enjoy it when I was doing it, I loved it. But I knew it wasn't sustainable.
Now I'm here, again. I'm not sure what to do or even expect from the future. A month ago I watched porn ALL DAY and I didn't even want to do anything else. I hypnotized myself that all I wanted to do was watch porn and smoke weed, AND I COULD AFFORD IT!!! I had the time to really do nothing and watch that shit all day. I became so depressed that I wanted to k*ll myself. There was just nothing for me, was this all I'm ever gonna be? A guy who likes to dress up in woman's clothing and watch hypnosis videos all day. I couldn't live with that fact. I'm so blessed that I already knew about NoFap. I knew it was the time for it again and I've been restraining from PMO for about a week or so. I feel the effects always immediately. Now I'm here writing this story. I'm not depressed, I feel good and things are looking good again. But...
The thing is. I'm confused about myself, about my identity, my sexuality. I know I'm a man and I feel good in my body. Dressing up is just an addiction and a fantasy, but why do I like it so much. Why am I into girls in real life and never felt a love connection with a guy ever, I've never have a crush on a guy. I wouldn't even care if I'm bisexual of even gay, it's just that I don't even know what I am. I told the story of my childhood to let you know that the weird thing is. I've been into being girly and submissive when I was younger. Then it just vanished and weirdly enough I became addicted to sissy hypnosis. Could there be a connection with my childhood? Being dressed in girls clothing, could that may be the cause of my fetish? I can connect the dots now, but I'm just a little helpless. I don't even know what I like in real life. If there was a world without porn, would I still be into this? I'm just not sure what I want to get out of NoFap. I'm not like most guys here (no offense) but I'm a open-minded person. I wouldn't give a single fuck if I was really into guys or being submissive or anything. It's just that I don't know. I never write stories like this and I don't know why I'm doing it now. I've NEVER EVER told anyone online or in real life about this problem and I'm pretty sure nobody even knows about it. I'm good at hiding it. I just wanted to hear your take on this. What advice could you give me, if any?
I'm really blessed and fortunate that there is a community online for us. I feel like you are all my brothers, because you who will read this understands me. This is something you could get killed for in real life. The abuse people would give you if you would tell them. This is not something you can understand if you've never been through something familiar. So thank you guys for taking the time to read this insane thread. I'm sorry for the long story, but I'm glad you read it!