Just Another Journal

Hey Y'all. I am apart of the discord server thats affialiated with this group I believe! Figure I throw my story on here, and start a journal here too. Won't be super consistent on here because I only have access to open internet on my PC which is in my GF's room and has A2U and CE on it. Not on my PC too much, so maybe weekly updates.

I guess it's good for me to write out my story and be open about it. When I was 11 my parents got divorced. Grew up in a Christian home. My mother cheated on my dad with a few different men. My dad is not tresspassless either though. My brother and I lived with my dad. Around this same time I had a surgery that required me to stay overnight at the hospital.

My mom and dad were arguing outside the room. I was very upset that they couldn't just focus on me. Later came to find out that my mom was just trying to leave and go to see a "friend from highschool" in a town a few hours away. She ended up going.

So often when I spent time at my moms house felt like walking on egg shells constantly. Early on after their divorce she would skip weekends that she was supposed to have us.

When I was at my dad's, early on he was having issues. Many times my dad would dissapear at night, id go find him downstairs balling. Him and my brother constantly fighting, my brother blaming him for our mom leaving. I was the peace keeper. I thought I was doing well with my feeling, but in reality I was bottling them up. For that first year after she left, there was screaming often between my dad and brother, and occiasionally me. My dad saw what I was doing, saw that I was bottling stuff up. He sometimes would pick at me to get my feelings out, which to some degree was good awareness on his part

None-the-less I still managed to bottle most my feelings about everything, to be "the strong one"

Eventually things calmed down.

But within 11-12 years old I discovered porn (I remember my dad telling us to stay away from it when we were young and that he was just starting to beat his own problems with it and it made me curious)

Other things that were going on around this time, I was being called gay on the school bus and at school sometimes because I had super blonde long hair. My best frined and my brother became bestfriends, many times leaving me out. When we'd all hangout together, I felt like I was third wheeling. They were both very "know it all" type people and I was wanting to be like that. i'd often step in and talk on topics I wasn't knowledgeable on and they'd shoot me down and insult me all the time like it was funny and just what friends do.

^^Most that was in middle school.

Late middle school my mother got a boyfriend from a far away state, that she was living with, that was a muslim, and convicted felon.

Me and my brother told her it was us or him. She chose him.

Didn't talk to her for about two years. Made it into highschool around this time too.

Had my first girlfriend my freshman year of highschool dated for a few months, ended up leaving me because I was annoying (I was OFTENLY called annoying throughout my entire life)

I was an extrovert up until my mom left, then I went into my shell until late freshman year. I got "saved" or made my faith my own my freshman year. When to a camp called Chrysalis, was ready to blow my brains out because I kept going back to porn and hated it and hated me. Look into the mirrior and told God, if you don't show up this weekend I am done" Not sure if i meant done with calling myself a Christian or kill myself.

God did show up that weekend and I felt his presence a ton. Gave my life to him, or thought I did? Later it became conditional. I'd only be of faith if I felt him. which later on I had awhile where I stopped feeling him, and stopped reading my bible and pretty much quit faith entirely. I did quit porn for 3 months during this time. I kept going to church and calling myself a christian.

Sophomore year, had my second girlfriend. She left me because "if I would have known you had issues with porn, we would have got you fixed and then started dating" She felt grossed out by me.

Junior year, met my to be wife. She was a freshman and not long before had turn 14 and I was 16 (cradle robber I know). I told her about my addiction a few months in. She told me she'd love me and support me through it. She didn't really process her feelings about it. Had some time where I'd tell her every time I'd relapse. Our relationship was toxic as heck during this time. Always at each others throats, she was holding my addiction over me the whole time. I don't blame her, she was 14 and that made her feel less than.

Around my senior year of highschool, my brother met some girl. He had been in the area working. He met her and 3 month later proposed and moved in with her in a town 2 hours away. We were actually best friends then. Had a decent relationship. He just up and left. I rarely saw him after that. He'd go with her to visit her faimly literally every single weekend, which was a short drive from me. Yet never made the time to come see me. He was at her families house on my birthday which is like a 30 minute drive, and my girlfriend asked him to come see me for my bday a few days prior, and he said he'd be too busy to even stop by and take an hour or two out of his day. I felt abandoned by him. Long story, but lots of crap came up between him and her, and me and my girlfriend, and I about didn't go to his wedding. I frankly don't want much to do with him anymore, yet still miss him.

That cycle with the girlfriend of toxicity went on for about two year, slightly getting healthier over that time but not much. We'd go to bible studies, church and youth group together. I then graduated, and decided to tell her "God just flipped a switch in my head" and that I thought only she was beautiful and I didn't want porn at all anymore and I had no urge to watch it. Didn't have the heart to tell her, and thought I was protecting her . I lied to her for TWO years about it, telling her I was clean. Yet, when they say a woman's intuitions thing, they aren't wrong. She'd often question me, even after a year and a half. She'd tell me she was proud of me sometimes, and I'd thank her. At the beginning of this year she started talking about getting engaged this year.

I had a heart attack. Realized I'd been putting off porn for so long because I thought marriage was so far away and I didn't really HAVE to take care of it until then. January 4th was my last time with porn. Quit, haven't gone back. Tbh the first 30 days was just freedom due to sticker shock of engagement and that we were that close to marriage

after the first month, I told her about it. Was really getting alot of suicidal thoughts during that night of telling her. I can still see her face when I told her. Thinking about it is literally making me cry. It was the most painful experience I've ever had in my 21 years of life. She screamed and cried, yelled at me, and told me every last thought she had about it. In a very painful way. Which i was well deserving of.

The next day she spent hours doing research on how she can support me in my battle and how I can make my battle last. And put it in the dirt for good. She has been such a great supporter and loved me so well since that. Moments of pain still, yet still so amazing. She's been such an amazing gift that I am so so so greatful for.

The day after I told her, I got right with God. I realized it felt like I woke up all the sudden and I was dark and all alone spiritually. I wanted God and I didn't know where to go. I felt empty. So empty. It was incredibly painful and I yearned for God. I missed him so much and had been basically without him for 2 years, willingly. I realized everything I cared about was me making up for me feeling worthless and abandoned by many in my life. The things I bought, the car i drove, my hobbies etc. Was all me trying to make someone proud of me, or thing I was manly, or cool or that I had worth.

I cried out to God that night, and he showed up. He saved my life. He has been my rock and my salvation in this journey, and I am eternal grateful

Since then, rather than just trying harder to beat porn, i've just been rooted in God. I've made a commitment to NO PMO, and made sure I make God my priority in all things.

Been taking it one day at a time and one thought at a time

Praise Jesus

Day 81

 

Thanks man! Much appreciated. I couldn't imagine going on to one knee knowing that I am lying to her willingly.

I have really been getting into the battle of the heart, which I realize now that I left out in my first journal. I struggle so so often with behaviors that are me trying to feel like someone's proud, or that I am not less than. I have been using the freedom process on these behaviors when I recongnize them. I still find myself lacking trust in God, not outright, but in situations where I worry or stress or try and control things that I cannot. I've gotten leaps and bounds better, but still not fixed. I can confidently say, I do not want PMO deep down or anywhere in me. I actually had a buddy tell me he relapsed and I almost felt sick (kind of odd and maybe a coincidence but very real) I don't want PMO, it's never gonna give me what I have with God now. Now that I have this with God, I don't want anything else to comfort me, nothing else is good enough. That's the really one of the first times i've said that truthfully in my 21 years on earth. Nothing else is enough, it won't make me whole, and it won't help me long term.

That same damaged little boy that went to porn in the first place we still there once PMO was gone, and I found I had a crap TON to deal with.

My dad has mentioned this type of thing to me before, the type of porn you watched has to do with your damage. I honestly don't really want to read that article at the moment, because I don't want for my girlfriend to get curious and hurt. BUT, my dad actually gave me the book "Unwanted" last week and I've yet to get on it. I'll take this as another sign that it's something for me to do next.

I appreciate the help and the pray, much love my friend!

 

I appreciate you alot man! Good conversation this AM, look forward to next week! You've been a great help in this fight, even in the short time I've "known" you

 

I know I said weekly. It seems like for a bit it's gonna be more than that. getting into Unwanted. Absolutely destroying me. Not gonna give the detailed explanation or maybe I might who knows. I thought my issues with porn were solely because my mom left and made me feel less than. Realizing there is quite a bit more at play. Nonstop crying for awhile now, God showed up to my cry out to him and has given me peace. Pain and anguish are still there.

Things I need to make note of

When Dad would have to do phone calls for fundraising and do newsletters for ministry - he'd disconnect from us for what felt like months on end. "Don't talk to dad, he's busy" "don't be loud" "dads busy tonight" It KILLED me because I wanted my dad. I wanted to see him and be with him. But he was too busy. I couldn't tell you the exact age I was, how long it lasted each time he'd have to do this, or how frequently. But that doesn't matter it hurt me. I was seen as annoying or felt annoying and abandoned. My first taste of abandonment

When mom left. Dad and brother were at each other's throats constantly. ALWAYS yelling and screaming. ALWAYS. I was the peacekeeper. No one asked me to be, but no one stopped me from being it. This damaged me SO deeply. The focus was never on my pain, I didn't get the attention, and I felt responsible for my brother and fathers well being. I HAD TO HOLD STRONG.

Later years of adolescents, maybe brother was out of the house. Him and dad got along Just great. Say that with some spite. My dad would say in reference to my brother "oh the apple didn't fall from the tree with this one" Constantly talking about how similar they were. How they communicated the same. That hurt me. I remember my dad telling me that he had a harder time with communication and getting me because I was alot more like my mother. I HATED my mother. So that made me feel just flipping great. WHY COULDNT HE LOVE ME AND BE PROUD. I know he was. But boy you wouldn't believe it when him and I would talk. He'd always get my brother. Never me. Never me.

I didn't proper human connection for probably a decade. I didn't deserve that. I wasn't worth that.

I am sure I'll refine this tomorrow. Just raw thoughts for now. My heart aches. God I need you, this is way too much for me to handle.

I will not turn to porn or anything other than God in this. It doesn't heal. I think I really mean this but I'd sooner blow my brains out before going back to the pit. Not sure if that's right or wrong, sinful or not, but I don't care. I can't go back I will not go back.

One thing to clarify ^^ that is not a threat. Nor is that a situation that will come to fruition due to this pain. Not going there.

One last time, Jesus I need you.

 

Still processing this. Turned from a sharp heart pain to somewhat of an ache. Took a break from unwanted yesterday, had zero emotional capacity for it. Will possibly pick back up tonight but I do have youth group to help with tonight so we will see. MASSIVE accomplishment last night thought, was in bed at 10:30! and up at 5:40!!!

 

Another big step forward. Had a AP/mentor give me some encouraging words to me today, but it didn't feed the same part of me that it used to. I used to only feel worth when people told me they appreciated me and then that feeling wouldn't last long. I'd almost feel as if I had worth then. So, that'd almost cause me to seek attention, that's the same root to my previous porn addiction as well. When he said those encouraging words to me, but it didn't make me feel whole or worth or anything like that. It was just nice. No one gives me worth aside from Christ. Praise you Lord for working in my life. I love you with ALL my heart. Thank you so much for not just freedom from porn, but true freedom in you.

 

Well guys, here I am saying I was going to be doing a weekly check in. Now checking in often lol. I've found great community here. Thank you all! Had a wonderful experience tonight with God. Had a crap ton going on, afraid of losing my job (probably less than a week or two and a long story), im an emotional wreck, and on top of that have had a head cold the last few days. Tonight my girlfriend called me out for swearing, easily snapping, and judging others (common early signs of the flesh for me) I thought I was trusting in God with my pain and hurt and anxiety, but im not sure. I didn't even realize how much i was off course. I had a pounding headache all night. Prayed with her, and rebuked satan and his obvious plans in the name of Jesus. Told him the battle is already won and he has NO power over me. That he isn't welcome in my mind and that I belong to Christ. Went inside because we were sitting in the car. Sat down and realized my pounding headache is completely gone. Wanted to share God's goodness and lovingness. Thank you Jesus!!

 

Unwanted is a book wrote by Jay Stringer. It is wrote on the premise that our unwanted sexual behavior (porn for us) actually is a road map to finding the damage that we are self medicating with said unwanted sexual behavior. It actually goes as far to tell you what kinds of porn are related to certain kinds of childhood trauma. Pretty dang cool, was true for me! More than anything, it's helped me dig up and navigate my childhood trauma and ID it. HIGHLY recommend it, but I will warn that it could be a bit triggering for some, as you do have to think back to what type of P you watched.

 

thought I was on 87, maybe its 86 according to my tracker. I don't really got too much to say which is good. Worked through some really uncomfortable thoughts these last few days. I think I dug up most my child hood trauma? I think. I don't know for sure. Had some anger with God earlier this week, realized I was point a finger at him for my childhood abandonment. Over that now, its a crappy view. I am not equal to or above God, so why do I feel entitled enough to tell him he did it wrong? Learning that my scars are what make me individually beautiful and now those scars point to him.

Overall great. Thank I am going to have a couple hour silence tomorrow, that way I can listen for God. I'll be outside and alone, both of which are my spiritual pathways. Should give me some good spiritual recharge.

 

Thanks for being the push I needed to read this book my friend!

 

Day 90 - Cool milestone. Focusing on God's goodness. Wanting someone to tell me I am doing good and that they are proud crept in on me earlier. Not going there. Will not let that be fed. This day is just the same as any other, Jesus. Memorization verse Corinthians 3:23 - Romans 12:2 - 1 Corinthians 10:13 all have proven to be highly effective in redirecting my actions and thoughts throughout the day, in conjunction with the freedom process. Finally feel like they're well memorized. Open to a few more verses if anyone has suggestions!

PRAISE JESUS FOR FREEDOM AND JOY. Finding my entire life is SO different than it was prior to me becoming serious about Jesus and walking in step with the spirit. Been two months now that I've been walking with him. If I think of my mind as a house, it was a hoarders house and hadn't been cleaned in years, and Jesus stepped in and has cleaned so so much. I am joyous, not just now while I am good but in all things. Thank you Lord

Thank you all for your support, and big big big thank you to @Tao Jones for being a wonderful mentor and AP throughout this journey, and telling me the TRUTH in LOVE always.

 

I think @RedeemedIowan managed to make me chew some on behaviors I need to quit. I find myself on Linkedin (have to have it for work) I don't think I am hunting and seeking consciously, but I think I need to recognize it as dangerous. Rarely is there any form of psub on there, and if there ever has been I scroll by before any kind of thought can enter my head, I never have lingered for even a moment.. But nonetheless it's dangerous. I commit to stopping this behavior. I also find myself on the christian NF discord alot, checking it almost like I used to check FB for a new notification. I am not seeing how this is dangerous in this context, but it could be dangerous in other contexts. Something in me craves for... Entertainment? I'm not sure. Still rooting around on this one. Maybe it's because I want someone to talk to because I work remotely and don't get enough human interaction. I don't know what I'm feeding and that's dangerous, I think.

I also check one of my blockers that has a community on it like FB in the same way. So obviously there's something in me looking for something. What is it?

Is there any verses I could memorize for either of these? Not sure on a battle plan, but I'll be arriving there soon.