Mastering my willpower--rewire my brain, get off the treadmill!

Hello NoFap Community,

I am 25 years old, and after having immersed myself in porn for more than 17 or 18 years, I have kept breaking my legs on this hedonic treadmill... One day after jerking it for 3 or 4 times in a row, I realized I have a crippling addiction--not just any old porn either. I spent years building up a collection of the best videos searched for hours like a hunter-gatherer with two very specific fetishes--feet and girl-on-girl "scissoring." I suffer from adhd, ocd, and probably Aspergers. The intelligence I possess comes with a high cost--isolation and some crushing realizations about reality and how when you take the side of truth no matter how pessimistic it may be, people are often repelled and say you're disagreeable and stubborn. But despite all this, I have a handful of very good friends I've known all my life, and family that loves me.

I quit cold turkey in anger of what I have become, how I have been sucked in. The "coomer" and "doomer" memes are I. I deleted everything, wiped my computer and mobile devices clean. I felt like Max from the 1998 movie "Pi" when he finally hits rock bottom and destroys all his computer equipment in a whirlwind of fury --destroying the anchors sunk deep within. That week, I had the worst case of blue balls you could ever imagine. I never felt it before--had to look it up to see wtf was happening to me! At work, I felt so tense. The week went by, I relapsed because while I stopped the porn, I still jerked off to my own fantasies. That was it--hands off.

I started to read about nofap, started working out after never having done so in a decade, started taking brisk walks with my music in the few parks I like. My profession involves creating investment strategies, and porn has been a major distraction blocking my creativity! I want to take new hobbies like cooking, programming, studying Buddhism, and economics which I've put off--spend less time at home and more time outside and at the library after work. Whenever the porn flashbacks came, I imagined them becoming shattered or falling apart until they were nothing but distorted images...almost like there was just an "idea" of sex, these desires. Like when you are a kid, and you only can imagine what it must be like. I was three weeks STRONG. Throughout the period, my penis would be dribbling a little bit if I felt some urges. Basically the blue balls but without the pain, and my pelvic floor muscle (perineum) would be tight, but no erections, not even morning wood.

However just the other night, a barrage of flashbacks came out of nowhere before I was ready for bed. I had a quite a few in the daytime, but managed to shrug them off. They came all at once, and it was so overwhelming I couldn't fight them all at once. Grabbing my ipad, I relapsed... just one peek...

I feel a bit disappointed, but I know to shrug it and keep going. All my life as an individualist, I've learned to solve my problems on my own as I mostly do, but this is one thing I can't do alone--I need your support guys! Just writing my story here has brought me great relief. I hate teams, but this is one team I want to be a part of, and to help others as well. We were not meant to have our brains hijacked! I never want to look at porn again!

Peace and Freedom to all.