Ultimate hell is when you meet the person you could have been. That what happened to me, at least in a dream, a nightmare! Will u excuse my English please, I am 31 yo physically, healthy person who been around every forum and page of Internet that has any relation with pmo since I first time experienced PIED at the age of 24. Quick numbers: Age 13.17: masturbating to video clips and magazine ( no nudes, just female wearing swimming clothes). Age 17-21.: masturbating to softcore porn. Age21.23: interracial fetish ( Had no problem having sex but quite rarely) Age 23: Experienced PIED for the first time two nights in a row, then spending all the night searching untill I found what I was looking for. Immediately starting rebooting. Age 23.25: trying to reboot with no success ( lasting between 1 week to 1 months max). No binging. Sex sometimes using small Ed drugs amounts. Age 26: I met a women that I really liked, starting a good streak that last 2 months, having sex with her using ed meds.. then stop using them successfully. Age 27.29 : Relapse once every 1 or two months, no need for ed meds. Life was great. Achieve a perfect body through bodybuilding and swimming, owned a house and car, starting a side business. Then one day my gf died, and the world crushed. Age 29.31: - Stopped working out - pmo daily and edging for hours to heavy stuff ( interracial,cuckold, transgender...) . Lost my side business due to covid.. Nearly lost my job due my absences... Age 31. I met a wonderful person, tried to man up and start life again, did a streak of 2 months, had sex with ed( was quite hard at the beginning to achieve an errection, but it works later not as good as years before, and I couldn't stop from relapsing and binging once in a month or so. I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship with that woman even though she was anything I wanted in a female. That was a year ago, and I couldn't complety moved on ... I had a streak of 2 months and a few nights stands using the ed pills. Then binging again. I'm not a dramatic person, and I had a great education, good job, own a house and have a good life and I have no problems at having women... But I'm empty inside. Anyway I had that dream yesterday where I met myself, the same person, the same DNA and genes..... But the other was disciplined. It was the worst nightmare I ever had. So since nothing worked for me, even psychological services... And still not aware of the real roots of my addiction. I give this a try. I will use this a journal and see if it will works . You can't believe how many times I relapsed, counting days, scheduling my life to that 90 days number, how many nights I spent regretting what happened, how long I stayed at the rock bottom, imaging how life could be if internet wasn't discovered. Living a double life, wearing an alpha confident man while can't even control own desires. Day1 : I forgive myself.. I will have a 2 weeks holiday, that I will spent camping and surfing through some wild beach alone. Trying to reborn after what happened to me in the last few years.
Welcome. I like your approach and attitude. Your journey is a lot like mine. We go through so many ups and downs. But after so many years, enough is enough. I find some nuggets of wisdom here on the forum and enjoy talking recovery with others. Maybe you'll find the same. Be kind to yourself and don't give up. I think you will become that person you met in the dream quickly.
Thank I really appreciate Ur reply, actually I'm from a Muslim background too, but somehow I lost my faith at a young age ( sometimes I relate that with the start of pmo ... Crazy I know).... But I really believe that Porn was one of the things that lead me to nihilism in a phase of my life, still affect my personality though, the absence of meaning... Well that's an other story.
I like that 2 week camping approach! Just you, nature, no technology, maybe a good book, or two, and time to heal. Man, stay on track, you got this!
