I love your honesty and self reflection in this post. Keep doing this work, I know you’ll find the truth you’re searching for. Forgive me for not going back through your whole journal, but are you spiritual? Do you believe in God? In your last sentence it seems like you’re wrestling with judgement and forgiveness. I believe those alone are the province of God. If you want to get biblical, I believe that (judgement, shame, forgiveness, etc.) was the knowledge from the fruit of the tree that Adam and Eve ate that God never wanted to be a burden to us. Can you trust God with carrying that regarding your husband? I know it’s hard for me to let go of my judgement, but I’m trying to get better. I hope you and your husband can work through this and have the best marriage possible. Last comment. My two cents, keep having sex. Sex between husband and wife is always blessed. Go on YouTube and search “kosher lust”. Best wishes and many blessings!