Mermaid's Journal (SO)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by BetrayedMermaid, Apr 20, 2018.

  1. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    70something days since Dday.
    I'm the one that husband had sexual thoughts about my daughter (age 18 now) for a year, then he MO thinking about her...

    Trying to heal, still bleeding....

    So I'm going to start this journal thing, but warning... I pissed tonight. There will be language...

    So my husband identified about a month ago that a show called 100's triggered him for 30 minutes being horny because he watched two girls kissing but not showing any nudity... this is a M-14 show... and he himself said, "I'm not gong to watch it anymore"... so he didn't.. as far as I can tell.

    But NOW, he started watching a MATURE show on Netflix and is 9 episodes in and in the first 20 minutes of the FIRST episode I just found out there were two girls not just kissing, but full frontal nudity sex scene with climax and all... I just lost it...

    I'm so fucking pissed that he would allow himself to watch this... the show is known for it's orgy scenes... according to my daughter.. who has only heard about it....

    WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING????

    He says that he "pushed the limits because I thought he was strong enough and I made a mistake"...

    ummmm. He was supposed to learn from the Mature 14 show!!!

    GOD!! I can't put my heart on the line for him to shatter again!! I can't do this!! FUCK HIM!!!! I'M SO MAD I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO DESTROY SOMETHING!!!!! UGH...

    HE IS SO CARELESS WITH MY HEART!!!!

    I think he wants me to be proud of him or something like... oh he told his counselor about it and decided that he shouldn't watch shows with sex scenes in them for 180 days.... IT WAS ALREADY DETERMINED THAT HE SHOULDN'T!!! GOD!!!!

    He doesn't learn and I'm not enough and he doesn't care about my heart.

    there.... done with the rant... this just happened and sigh... I feel a little better now... a little.... but still.... fuck him.
     
    Foxislander likes this.
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry. Swear away. We all need that sometimes. Fuck and bullshit are two of my favorites. ;)

    It sounds like he just doesn't get it yet. Did he reset his counter for that? It's a p-sub, the intent was the same as P. Is he doing a hard reboot? If not, a 30, 60 or 90 reboot may be a good idea to help get his brain chemistry back where it needs to be.
     
  3. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I don't know, I was too mad to talk to him, I just text vomited all over him... actually NO he didn't intend to reset his counter... he would have told me... he just adjusted his sobriety list to include that he wouldn't watch movies with sex scenes... his pride gets in the way of reseting that counter, this will be the second time... if he does, which I really think he should... cause that was totally psub... and he said he "fast forwarded" two of the sex scenes like that's supposed to make me feel better??? it's probably the gay men sex scenes that don't "do it" for him!!
     
  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yeah, total Psub. I went through this before I even knew what psub were and I was so fucking mad as well so I feel you on your post! That is when our big blow up happened and what started the counter I now have... a Psub. In my case, my husband convinced himself that it wasn't P, so it was fine. He lied to himself and he was still in that whole P mindset. I didn't know it then, but now looking back, I can totally see the difference and when the shift happened. When he stopped trying to push every boundary and he just changed. Anyway, I'm sorry. He was careless with your heart, and that most definitely is NOT the way to try to win you back. I hope he wakes up and realizes what he is doing and that this is only going to further push you further away.
     
  5. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Trying to Heal. I asked him to read my journal and the replies...and learn about Psubs... He set his sobriety counter back to zero. God I hate this so much. I hate my life right now.
     
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  6. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry, but I know exactly what you mean.
     
  7. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Today I don’t feel like hanging in there. Soooo much frustration in his ignorance and recklessness. I know these days are part of recovery for you guys but if you had an inkling of the pain it causes us.... you’d... um... loss for words. I’m not sure I can “hang in there” just to be sliced with a dull machete across the chest again—- that’s what it feels like. I’m not exaggerating either.
     
  8. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately we will never understand the pain we've caused. That is no excuse to cause it though. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Reading what you write helps me understand what pain I've caused my wife as well, so I'm thankful that you share these things. Praying for your strength and his.
     
  9. I am truly sorry .. for your pain .. and to all the SO's that go through so much pain and anguish.

    And I hope my comment to "hang in there" did not in any way trivialize the pain and trauma you are feeling---those are all valid and proper feelings/responses to what you've walked through and are walking through.

    ..

    Time is not your friend, I know, but, if possible / whenever possible, I strongly suggest/urge giving this whole horrible process time -- waiting one year to see how recovery is going for both the PA and the SO. Sometimes that is not possible .. and that is the right of the SO to make the final decision in the end.

    ..

    I hope and pray that you are able to find some measure of peace and serenity this weekend.
     
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  10. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Same to you friend.
     
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  11. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Ok TH2C, after listening to that and watching the water, I stopped crying now, .... but you know how I feel about God... I'm not real happy with Him right now.... but actually can't deny that I feel.... tranquil. I'm still mad at God.
     
  12. There'a nothing wrong with being mad at God.
     
  13. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Well, what about questioning his existence for the first time in my life? How bout that??
     
  14. Sounds familiar.
     
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  15. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Anna the Free- thanks, I know- I’m sorry for your situation. It does put things into perspective for me- He IS trying, it does help me heal faster that he is trying. I can’t imagine if he was just indifferent and stayed on the same sex addiction path- because we care about these men and they hurt us but it goes a long way when they are doing the work to get better. I appreciate you showing me that it could be worse. My heart is with yours Anna.
     
  16. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    THIS ENTRY: DARK AND DISTURBING THOUGHTS

    Today I hiked the trail of Wind Mountain. It's an ancient spiritual place where a vision is supposed to come to reveal one's guardian spirit and this spirit is supposed to remain with the person for a lifetime. No vision came... but it was nice and calm at the top and I read some inspirational quotes, thanks to Jagliana and TH2C, so I can say it was tranquil up there.

    BUT then I go to this mineral hot spring soaking pool afterwards and as I get in, a guy sitting by himself checks me out, I smile back... and I think, yep still got it, still rocking the bikini... and probably I got a hit of dopamine... just felt like maybe I'm not as ugly as I feel and it felt good to turn a head and he was staring me down.....BUT THEN... his girlfriend or wife comes out of the changing room and sits next to him. He was STILL staring me down, so I closed my eyes and every time I opened them, he is looking at me.... so here is where is turns really dark. I closed my eyes and started to have a fantasy...

    I closed my eyes and imagined me slowly seductively going over and putting my hands on his cheeks like I was going to kiss him but instead gouging his eyes out with my thumbs like I was taught in self defense... then punching him until the water started to turn red... yep, that was my fantasy... and I relished in it... this is how sick I have become... I even chuckled to myself. He'd never get to eye-fuck another woman again. His poor wife had no idea I think... and then it makes me wonder if my husband ever did that to another girl while I was sitting right next to him.

    I probably need to schedule another counseling session. I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. I also smashed a wedding gift my mother gave me today.
     
  17. I don't think it's too dark....I think it represents the anger raging inside of you.

    I don't think you would ever DO that, of course.
     
  18. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I would hope not. But I do have to gat dark mermaid side you know.
     

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