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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by BetrayedMermaid, Apr 20, 2018.
I'm so sorry. Hugs.
Yes- I have spoken with him about it- he will do what I decide about the matter. I think he’s ok with disclosure. His counselor says timing is extremely important and it doesn’t need to be detailed.
We will wait until I decide if I’m workout g on the marriage. My counselor said if we go our separate ways there is no need to tell her... so that is one more “con” for working on the marriage- my heart is tearing... that is a good description.
I don't think he gets the right to a vote. JMO. Besides, wouldn't it seem like he would be telling/asking her to choose him over her daughter, even if that wasn't the intent?
My concern would be that if what if someday she found out anyway? As we all have learned, these things have a funny way of coming out in the open eventually. :/
That's a good point.
I just don't understand why mermaid's daughter HAS TO KNOW that he fantasized about her -- not in the spirit of covering stuff up, but is it part of his repentance / one of the 12 steps or something? (I am not that well versed in the 12 steps)
I am not a trained therapist / counselor ... but I just don't get it. You mentioned it's "for her safety". But if her safety is really, really in jeopardy -- doesn't that tell the whole story right there? (and I hate that that comes across so damning .. because I really am hopeful that you two ARE working towards restoration/reconciliation)
This is why am freaking out over this a little bit and I really don’t agree Because I have told her that I am not allowing her to be around him because I don’t trust him. I have told her that he looked at 18-year-old born and that his brain is sick with this addiction disease. I’ve told her that his counselor said that he cannot be trusted with her. So isn’t that enough? She is safe. She is protecting herself as well.
@EyesWideOpen - yes I’m scared that the full disgusting details will somehow be disclosed at some point- you’re right- they do have a way of surfacing. I just don’t know what to do.
Her daughter has every right to know that she has been unknowingly objectified. He has been in a position of authority over her and has abused that authority, even if in his own mind. "For her safety" doesn't necessarily mean only physical safety. She has come to know and love and trust this man as a parent and authority figure and he has used her as sexual object, a masturbatory aid. She has the right to full disclosure to decide if she is comfortable ever being around him again. He violated their relationship.
IMO, she should know whether her mother continues a relationship or not. She thinks of him as her dad and more than likely would want to still see him after a divorce.
@BetrayedMermaid I didn't mean to put more pressure on you. I was just answering @TryingHard2Change 's question, explaining what I assume to be the therapists' reasoning.
I am so sorry that he has put you in this position. But when you get down to it, from one mama to another: you always pick your kids.
She doesn’t want to see him since DDay. She told him off a few days later and since then hasn’t wanted to see him. But good point @EyesWideOpen as sick as it makes me...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine the anguish you must feel in having to make this decision when none of it is your fault. This is so tough because, while I agree with what @EyesWideOpen said about her right to know, there's also the maternal instinct to protect her from being hurt because finding out about this will be painful for her, too. This addiction is such an ugly f*@#ing beast.
You're smart, and you're strong, and although it may not feel like it right now, I believe you'll find the right path to follow. Hugs.
Thank you hope4healing.
OK. I'm tired of feeling mopey... I'm tired of feeling self-conscious and unbeautiful (that's not a word, but it's better than ugly).... and I'm tired of feeling out of control.
This is what's going to happen:
1. I'm going to work my ass off to get this house sold.
2. I will find a beautiful little home to make my own with my daughter.
3. He can do what he wants... he can do his addiction thing, have sex with whoever he wants.
4. If he wants me, he knows what I expect and he can try to do the efforts to win me back.
5. I'll either trust him or I won't and it's NOT my fault if he has ruined the trust completely and NOT my fault if I can't get over the fact he used my daughter mentally for his pleasure.
6. I'm going to relax, try to get my "spark" back that my friends say is gone and I'm going to do fun stuff!
I cannot control him and I'm not putting the energy into trying.
I am beautiful even though I don't feel like it now, I'll get there again... (at least I've lost that 15 lbs I've been trying to lose for a while.. looking on the bright side).
There. That's my journal for tonight. Gonna go shampoo carpets.
Sounds like an EXCELLENT plan!
You're right...you are beautiful, and you will get your spark back. Just takes a little time. Sounds like you're headed in the right direction, though.
Mother’s Day was awesome with my kids! I’m so thankful for them.
Something I learned today-
My husband and I went for a hike and icecream today: (not a date but spending time together).
I’m not ready to go out in public with my husband. The two of us went for a hike, talked while we hiked, some girls in shorts were “baby triggers” for me but they passed quickly on the trail...- but the icecream girl- Big trigger. It’s beenover 3 months, I wonder if or when it gets better.
He did a good job of not ogling her but actually turned his back on her (which is not like him, he’s a friendly guy)... and that made me even more self conscious like “oh God, this must really be a trigger for him if he has to entirely turn around” and it went down hill from there.
Anyway I have come to the conclusion that I’m not ready to go out in public with him to spend time with him. I mean I don’t even know if I want to work on the marriage yet so why am I going on a hike and getting ice cream with him anyway? Ugh. Because I miss doing those things with him.
Today was hard.
I had a study patient trying a new chemotherapy for cancer and I can't mess up even once or the study is for nothing. Talk about stress!! Only have a tiny window to draw the blood, get the EKG done, etc.
One of my favorite patients signed on to hospice today and saying goodbye was heart wrenching. He can't speak understandable words now (glioblastoma brain cancer) but looking in each other's eye's is how we communicated. I hugged him goodbye- said "See you on the other side" trying to smile, but tears just kept coming. My scrubs still smell like his cologne.
Then after Work- Full Disclosure Prep:
Today I met with my husband’s sex addiction counselor. Contrary to what I wanted (which was full disclosure in two weeks) we are not doing full disclosure until July.
I guess I understand that they want the fog to clear so that it all can come out at once. Whatever. He said not to make any major decisions until after disclosure.
I HAVE to make major decisions!!!
I had to get to a state of safety: Legally separate for financial safety, physically separate him from my daughter for hers and my safety. I couldn't WAIT on these major decisions!!! Wait, so that more damage can occur?
My security has been breached! Defenses maximized!!
I have more major decisions to make and I can’t wait for the disclosure, so if it must happen in July, fine.
I'm selling the house (major decision) because I don't want to miss out on buying a decent house and by July, many of the for sale houses this summer will be gone. My brain wants to think that all this can be salvaged somehow, but it can't. The house is tainted. My bathtub was my place of solace but that is where Dday happened... there used to be so much life in this big house with the kids roaming around and now it's quiet, just me here, empty and sad or haunted... and I can't take a shower without thinking that he came all over the shower walls at the thought of my daughter.
Sigh... I'm being dramatic I guess but like I said... today was hard.
Sorry that the day was hard .. sorry that disclosure is not when you want it. I don't think there is any perfect timing to do disclosure. But I think we have to trust our counselors / therapists. In my meantime, we all just have to live out life to the best of our ability.
I know that is not very helpful advice -- more waiting sucks, I'm sure.
Have you been able to dive into any new books? about betrayal trauma or anything recovery-related?
Wait.... Why july
I'm interrupting.... Please forgive me dear,
But he's been clean How long now?
And July will be... What?
Brain fog disappears for MOST by 90 days - unless complicated by PIED.
Hence the side of the reboot program that exists... Here. (NoFap)
I'm pretty sure you have been here longer.
I don't know if PIED is a thing or not for you, that can be a major complication... And slow everything wayyyy down. Brain fog for months beyond and reboot and penile dysfunction for 2+ years...
But I did not think you guys had these problems?
I do know the clock resets somewhere random, after relapse or reset... So....
Why suddenly July?
I'm sorry you had a difficult day.
I just was very shocked to read that.
I struck me as odd.
I hope things continue to improve.
If you need this information for the therapist, it's in the NoFap Handbook.
If you can't find it on the front of the site, I can send it to you.
Feb 5th was DDay- He had to reset his counter two times because one time he looked at topless Women on YouTube on the filtered computer at work I think on day 30. And then he watched a Netflix show called Sense8 that basically has porn in it and I think that was on day 70 something. So it’s been over 90 days and he hasn’t had an actual blown relapse So to speak but definitely a breach of sobriety. July will be six months.