My cognitive scoring journal.

Years ago I had to have sessions with a psychologist because of anger issues I had. It the sessions the psychologist made me give a score from 1 to 10 for various emotions or things happening in my life. The exercise helped me realize there was a correlation between my anger and my idleness. It also helped me identify what things helped and helped me track my progress. I assumed that a similar approach would help me in my NoFap journey.

A little bit about me. I am 31 years old. I am a New Zealander but I currently work in Iraq. I am a devout born again Christian. I have been masturbating since I was 11. Throughout my adolescence I masturbated every day or two. I usually masturbated prone, laid out on my stomach, because that is how I discovered it. I very rarely used porn and I felt a bit self righteous because of that. Sometimes I would get off from lingerie catalogues that would be in the mail.

As I entered University I began to notice my behavior didn't align with the people around me. I was terribly awkward around girls, I could never get a date, and rejection was absolutely soul destroying. I spent many nights crying into my pillow because of this. Sometimes, out of religious conviction that it was a sin, I tried to stop masturbating. I got to 90 days on three occasions but it was a white knuckle ride that led to edging and eventually falling off the wagon.

When I was 25 I, finally, got my first girlfriend. She was just as damaged and needy and desperate as I was. That is why she said yes I am sure. We dated for 3 months and in that time I was disgusted how I treated her. We were both virgins and we never slept together as we were both convicted Christians. Nonetheless that didn't stop me treating her terribly. I was so horny around her all the time and she noticed this. In frustration I would lash out and say hurtful things. I broke up with because I was not the man I wanted to be and the relationship was revealing just how wretched I really was.

I had given up on my efforts to nofap. I read all sorts of weird liberal theologies to convince myself that masturbating wasn't a sin. three years ago I started dabbling more and more into online pornography. But after another rejection I just knew I had to stop. I hated women in my heart and it was showing in how I treated them. I was dependent on masturbation and I couldn't sleep without it. I could also no longer masturbate without porn. I discovered nofap and my journey began. that was two years ago.

At the same time I fell in love and I have been married to my beautiful wife for over 18 months. Initially my NoFap is easy. Sex was great. I am so thankful to God for giving me this outlet for sexual desire. After a while though I fell back into my old habits. To my shame I still don't think I have ever broken my personal best of 90 days even though I am now sexually active. I don't want to hurt my wife. She would never be the same if she knew. I am committed to reforming my ways. Holy Spirit, help me on this road of sanctification. Change me daily more into the likeness of Jesus Christ my Lord.

 

Day 18 PM free:
I'm keeping busier these days and I am more productive. I have started writing a book on how to learn Arabic. I have also started learning Kurdish. My confidence that I will stay PM free is increasing. Yesterday was a marginally harder day but it passed.

scores 1 to 10
Overall Mood: 6
How much energy do you have: 7
How busy are you: 7
How is your bible reading/prayer life: 3
Are you busy with ministry to others today:2
How captivated are you with Christ right now: 7
attraction to my wife: 7
Desire to PM: 4
Confidence that I will stay PM free today: 10
Confidence that I will stay PM free this week: 5
Confidence that I will stay PM free this year: 3