My latetst relapse destroyed myself

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Deleted Account, Jun 9, 2019.

  1. (I‘m sorry if my English is bad)

    I don‘t know where to begin with.

    Before I learned about NoFap, I fapped everyday 3 times, at least. I was 12 when I started and 18 when I learned about NoFap. When I got 18 I realized, I‘m not heterosexual like I thought. I‘m asexual, so masturbation got harder and harder to me. Then I learned about NoFap, few days after my birthday.

    I want to point out, that since I learned about NoFap, I never got an erection again because of female anime girls. I was so glad about it. Because it disturbed me a lot, that I sometimes didn‘t concentrate to the story of an anime. Instead I often spend the time to stare at the body‘s of the female characters.

    That was last year in August. A few days later, I knew that this was the right decision. I was feeling so much better and I got more done.
    But a few weeks later, my first relapse happened. I was feeling so dump but I kept going and I was so confident that this will never happen again.
    But over the year, many many relapses happened to me. I felt often so depressed and sometimes I didn‘t want to live anymore.

    Then, the 26th April 2019 came. Another relapse happend and I felt dump again. But then I looked at my calender and got super motivated. Why? Because if I start this day with hard mode (90 days), I‘m done with it right before my birthday.

    So I went for it. The first days were a bit difficult but it got easier and easier. And even though, I had my finals in that time, I was motivated like never before. I wasn‘t even nervous.

    After my finals, vacation began. My motivation increased a lot. Even though I never liked to go outside, I rode my bicycle everyday. A few days later, I decided to watch an anime. (Note: I want to point out, how much I love anime. Everytime, I watch an anime, I feel like I‘m in another world. Maybe there‘s someone who knows these feelings, too.)

    After two episodes, I decided to spent the rest of the vacation only watching anime (and of course ride my bicycle). I felt everyday so comfortable and great, but I didn‘t know that I would be the one, who destroy these feelings.

    After two weeks, I got an erection. (Note: I got my last erection on 26th April) I panicked because I didn‘t know what to do. But luckily, I could distract myself.
    The next day, the erection got worse. Even if I distract myself, the erection tried to convince me to fap, but I got over the day.
    The day after, the erection was still there and even worse. Distracting me wasn‘t possible. I panicked and walked in my room back and forth. I began to think: Maybe it wouldn‘t be so bad if I fap.

    In the evening, I managed to watch another anime. After that, the erection got away. You can’t imagine how that felt. I never felt so great in my life.

    The next day (it was Sunday) I woke up and the great feeling was still there. But a few hours later, the erection came back. I got so mad but on that day, I managed it.

    Monday and Thursday were terrible days, though. The erection got maximized. Everytime, I touched my body anywhere, the erection got worse and worse. When I stood up and walked around, it got worse and worse.

    Wednesday, 5th June. The worst day of my life (maybe, but definitely one of those). I couldn‘t stand anymore and got weak. I relapsed.

    I raged. I couldn‘t stop raging. (At least I‘m not a guy who screams around and throws objects. When I rage, it‘s just inside me.)
    I couldn‘t believe what I just have done to me. All the process, gone. Forever. I got so mad you couldn’t believe me.

    I tried to say positive things to me like: „It isn‘t that bad. Now you know it‘s really not your thing. Don‘t be ashamed. Etc.
    But it didn‘t help.

    I watched an anime and I got even more mad. That warm feeling I felt the last days everytime I watched an anime was gone. It wasn‘t there anymore. Maybe you can imagine, how frustrated I was.

    Today is my 4th day. I woke up a few minutes ago. I‘m feeling a bit (but just a bit) better right know. But I‘m still so angry that I have done this.

    But what the most important thing is: I‘m so afraid that the warm feeling will never come back...
  2. ttigermask28

    ttigermask28 Fapstronaut

    1. From someone at 0 days-thank you so much for accumulating 4 days-seriously. I related to everything you felt-the rage regret and remorse. On both sides of the equation be it slips or streaks-its not one and done. It's a process of learning and planning and anticipating when emotions may run high and there could be moments of imbalance.
    Just a question-first off-awesome for loving anime. What series do you like? I hear Cowboy Bebop is pretty awesome.

    I hear what you're saying-theres a difference between minimizing and rationalizing and real genuine self compassion that allows for accountability thats both accepting and constructive-allows for progress.

    Today is my 4th day. I woke up a few minutes ago. I‘m feeling a bit (but just a bit) better right know. But I‘m still so angry that I have done this.[/QUOTE]

    I'm so glad you're feeling better-I was feeling WRETCHED yesterday-today I feel a bit better too. I felt angry, confused, ashamed as all get out. It's no fun. Joy is meant to be a consistent part of our lives-it helps us through the hard times.

    We can be cleansed of this illness-its a daily thing and a process.

    All the best :)
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. wheelgauge

    wheelgauge Fapstronaut

    Hey, man. I get what you're saying... It happened to me lots of times. Don't worry about these feelings about the animes. They will come back, but only if you keep strong to your purpose!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Wario32

    Wario32 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    huhh - I know what your talking about us well - I think because your more connected to the world and your dopamine receptors are recovering

    - I know when I have long streaks and play game - it feels amazing like - the first time playing a game before - im super invested into the sounds graphics game play etc
    after a relapse im back to grey and shit
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. uiop2

    uiop2 Fapstronaut

    The last summer, it was June 29 i relapsed after 117 days of no pmo due to some bad feelings crossing my head. I needed to distract myself so bad when the thought of using masturbation as a way to lift my mood, even if for a while occurred. I relapsed. It goes without saying that i felt like shit all the rest of the summer because to be honest i found out also that if it wasn't for porn (i wish i never got into it...) i would be a very chill guy and to some extent asexual as well. I'm not that much into sex. But porn turns you into another person and the more you watch it and act on it the more you need it in your life. I don't see myself like that macho guy who likes to make sex around but porn fucks your brain up. Those memories consolidates in your brain and slowly change your personality but it makes you feel good so who cares so you go on and on until your point of view changes completely.
    I used to see everything different in that span of time, everything was beautiful, waking up in the morning FULL of energy with the will to do tons of things, my ocd got better, i was feeling like detoxed from all the bullshit and calm all the time, no anxiety, clear mind...
    It brings out who i really am but anyway don't give up and you will do it soon again even better (after a week i usually start to feel better and you're on day 8 from what i see...) good luck!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. don't use that energy as a motivation- at least for a long time.
    maybe you should stop the anime for a while(?), and try and find another interest.

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