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My life depends on this...

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by dgree881, Jul 30, 2021.

  1. dgree881

    dgree881 New Fapstronaut

    Hey good people,

    I would like to extend a thank you to the creators of this website. Having a forum where people can reflect on their choices to delve into pornography and excessive masturbation is valuable in today's sexualized world. We live in a society that promotes sexual deviation in all forms. It is difficult to even justify sexual purity when everyone else is involved in hookup culture, loves porn, and sees no problem here.

    I'd like to share a little bit about me to get some context as to why I am here. I started consuming pornography when I was 14. This was also the time my parents got divorced, and my father moved out. I don't blame my father for my choices, but some of you may find this useful. I would go to grocery stores and libraries and look at magazines to get aroused. Eventually, I moved on to the internet, deftly dodging my parents and making excuses for prolonged periods to hunt for videos.

    Also during this time, and not surprisingly, I became extremely socially awkward. I watched my friends navigate social waters quite easily, getting girlfriends and becoming happy. I was often sidelined and given odd stares. I was afraid to interact because of repeated social failures.

    As I approached 18, I started to go on dates, and things seemed to get better. I was having friendships with girls and guys alike. I was still watching porn, however. I had a girlfriend when I was in high school. We tried to have sex, but I couldn't even achieve an erection because I was surprised she had pubic hair. Pornography literally ruined my first sexual experience because I expected shaved pubes to be a sexual norm.

    It didn't get much better when I entered college. I normally dated and had flings with overweight girls and women that I wasn't compatible with. I settled for these relationships because I had very low self-esteem. I approached dating with a gratitude mentality, often selling myself short. I was still watching pornography throughout college, and of course, this was enabled by peers who were using it too.

    I graduated college and got a full-time job. I was doing pretty well finding myself and figuring out who I wanted to be, but I was still consuming porn. I had the occasional fling here and there, but these opportunities were coincidental and rarely intentional.

    At around 27, I started listening to books and podcasts about game. The idea that men could exhibit their behavior to seduce women was an incredible revelation to me. I implemented game and had moderate success, but sometimes got lucky with some beautiful women.

    It wasn't until I started reading The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida that I started realizing how far gone I was. It was a very sobering fact that I had wasted much of my sexuality through pornography and mismatched flings in my younger years. I set out on a new path to re-wire my brain and conquer my porn addiction forever.

    For about two years, I was successful. I created a book of declarations that I would read each morning. I literally taught myself to become a better man. This led to the discovery of my current wife. We had a great relationship until about July of 2020. We had a massive argument and she left me. I slipped back into pornography because I was angry at her, and the concept of marriage in general.

    My wife and I did reunite, but she is discouraged by the fact that I am back on porn. She is furious with me, and I have more of a reason to quit now than ever. If I don't get control of this, I can kiss my marriage goodbye. My marriage is paramount to me, but being a great father is crucial to my existence. I could easily see myself committing suicide if my future children become misguided in the way I was when I was younger, and even a little bit now.

    I am here because I am back at porn about 1-2 times a month. I want to get that number down to 0, and I hope to abstain from porn and subsequently masturbation outside of the bedroom indefinitely. I look forward to your comments, suggestions, criticisms, and any information any of you have to offer.
    eternal fanatic and DM10 like this.
  2. Any updates? I feel bad that nobody replied to you. :(
  3. PlayApe

    PlayApe New Fapstronaut

    Hey man!
    1-2 times a month... I thought it'll be 1-2 times a day or something. To me couple times a month would be an achievement.

    Maybe there's something more to the marriage thing then masturbation? I mean IDK the reason of the fight you had, yes, but it does not seem like it was over fapping or something like that. It might be that there are deeper reasons for the fight and her being against you masturbating.

    I went through a divorce 2 years ago and almost got back together with my ex-wife, and after having lots of conversations with her, regarding figuring out what happened between us, I can say that there were some fundamental reasons related to hers and mine upbringing and expectations from relationships and unability to express the feelings and needs.

    What I'm trying to say is quitting porn may not be the key to a happy marriage, but rather figuring out your wants and needs.

    Don't wanna give you any advices, since I don't know you, just speaking from my own experience.
    eternal fanatic likes this.
  4. eternal fanatic

    eternal fanatic Fapstronaut

    Welcome! I would also be thrilled with 2 times a month. As bad as I think porn is, I've found that it's worse for some than others. Luckily, it's never affected my sex life with my wife. I've never had PIED for which I'm grateful.

    My wife also understands that porn for me is not me wanting to cheat on her but rather a coping mechanism, and that I would never actually want to have sex with any of the women in the videos. That said, she's still been hurt by it ... it's easy to understand why. Communication can go a long ways though. Women generally don't understand our problems with porn or what it's like for a man. Before we got married, my wife looked at porn as well. When we got married she was able to quit, no problem, while I wasn't. She thought I should've been able to drop it as easily as she did - she felt betrayed. A few good conversations later, she came to understand a little better why it's so much harder for me. You can find helpful articles that can help the women in our lives understand our struggles. If you have problems communicating, see a marriage counselor. It can really help.

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