My weird shameful Fetish // I feel like crap

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Rolo75, May 7, 2019.

  1. Rolo75

    Rolo75 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys,

    Porn has a really tough grip on me since i was a young teen. I've been watching porn since 12 now. Of course escalation came along the way. So here it is, i have a PEE fetish / Urolagnia. How did this came to me. Well the first time i saw a woman squirt in a porn movie i was fascinated. I remember being so aroused i couldn't control myself. But the stream wasn't enough. This is where the pee thing came in. The stream of pee reminded me of women squirting. Then i started watching pee videos, A LOT. Squirt videos don't do it for me anymore. Now i'm extremely (and i mean the extreme) aroused by women peeing.

    I binge watch voyeur videos of drunk women peeing outside in the street at night, women relieving themselves in men's mouth etc... It's even more arousing than regular porn. But the issue here is that i acted on it several times. Last year, i was wandering in the streets looking for women peeing outside at night. I would try to scoop the pee to taste it (and oh god that i loved it). I once asked a woman outside to pee and i would pay her. And even worse, i paid a sex worker to pee on me and i litteraly had a mental orgasm during it, I LOVED it..... The feeling of being humiliated, owned by this woman was so good.

    There i had to say it, i feel like i'm a dirty, weird, perverted person. I feel shameful for this behavior and never thought i'd go this low.
     
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  2. Hello, I’m proud of you for opening up about where you are in your sexuality/conviction. Your awareness of the situation and not running away from your shame is the first step to recovery. As someone who’s struggled with kink escalation, I want you to know that this struggle isn’t what has to define you. No matter how deep in the hole you are, freedom from bondage to your desires can be attained.
    Please remove yourself from as much exposure to voyeristic content/ pornography as possible and be relentless in changing your mental patterns that have lead you to take action in any capacity. Relief from satisfying your addiction will give you happiness, pain from leaving it and serving God/others will spark unspeakable joy. I’ll keep you in prayer, brother! You can do this!!!
     
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  3. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Porn induced fetishes are common. Time away from it will definitely help you.
     
    Rolo75 likes this.
  4. D.T.1989

    D.T.1989 Fapstronaut

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    Opening up about this will definitely help you out in the long run. When I used to binge fap to pornography, I too had escalated the addiction from just regular porn, which couldnt do it for me anymore, to extreme and twisted fetishes. It got so bad that it ended up ruining a relationship back in 2014, after which it escalated even further and darker. It took years, and I mean years, to finally win the war against the demons of PMO and the extreme fetishes I had developed back then.

    Keep on fighting bro! You can do it!
     
  5. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    I had this fetish for a little while. I watched plenty of videos of POV women peeing on me. This is a subset of femdom which I've struggled with for a long time, as have many others on this website. You need to get through this no matter how tempting these videos are. Good luck!

    Also you seem to be finding a real life outlet for your fetish. That's probably not a bad thing assuming it doesn't affect your self esteem. But you should probably find someone you love to do it with and not strangers and hookers. Also it's dirty but I've heard of more deprived things people are into.

    Either way the porn has to go. It is an unnecessary hurtle in life that causes nothing but trouble. We are addicts and we are in this together for the long road. You got this!
     
  6. Rolo75

    Rolo75 Fapstronaut

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    Hey Guys,

    Thanks all for your kind messages and the support. I'll stay strong as much as i can.The crazy thing is that even the evocation of women peeing starts arousing me. I'm a bit scared now because the triggers are EVERYWHERE. I can't go out at night with friends on week-ends because after 00h00 the alcohol starts running in and people pee everywhere outdoor (i live in a big city so it makes the problem worse smh). Same when i go to the gym, i have to go late because it's too crowded before 21h. So when i finish around 00h30 i am at high risk of seeing triggers. Even a text or internet article about a woman peeing outside triggers the sh*t out of me.
    Since i deleted all my saved pee videos (porn and youtube), unfollowed all the attractive instagram models. Instead i try to workout hard and brainwash myself into improving my life conditions (getting better at work, school, my drivers licence etc...)
    I already had a two week streak last time, but i relapsed because i had a crisis during the first week. I saw two drunk women walk in a dark alley and i knew what they where about to do. I live in a building that has a view on that alley. I couldn't help myself and went to watch... Guess what ! Urine EVERYWHERE, the alley was soaked. Immediately my head started hurting because i was trying to control the urge and the lust. I tamed it, but the following days i couldn't stop thinking about it. And then the next week-end, i relapsed. Binged for 6 hours, 8 wanks deep.... SMDH

    Guys its so hard :(

    Thank you my brothers
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2019

  7. You’re welcome, I’m happy to help! How have you been holding up with triggers and temptation?
     
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  8. Brown Boy

    Brown Boy Fapstronaut

    when did these fetishes come in ur mind for the first time?
     
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  9. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    There are two problems - the porn induced fetish - which you need to cure by staying away from porn and triggers.

    The second problem is your low self esteem which has led you to enjoy humiliation and shame. You have to do things to boost your self esteem also.
     
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  10. Rolo75

    Rolo75 Fapstronaut

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    Since my last message, i've been pretty ok since. No big triggers or anything. Everything is going smooth since.
    Temptation is ok too, no edging and i'm constantly removing content from ig and fb that resolves around sex as much as i can.
     
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  11. Rolo75

    Rolo75 Fapstronaut

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    Hey fam, thanks for your message.
    My taste in urine ? I'd say Around 3 or 4 years max ago. But i fulfilled my fantasy of being peed on last year on september.
     
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  12. Rolo75

    Rolo75 Fapstronaut

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    Hey bro, thanks for your message.
    Absolutely you are right on these two points. I try to remove all the possible triggers on my phone device as much as i can.
    Yes, on that part i'm working hard on it. I workout at the gym to change my body, I put on braces to fix my teeth and aspire to be an entrepreneur on day so yeah it'll come to fruition one day.
     
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  13. plzrlzme

    plzrlzme Fapstronaut

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    Lol. Move to the woods. I lived in a cabin with no running water for ten years and my lady would pee into a small bucket in the house during the winter and then throw it outside. From a guy who's seen it a million times, let me just tell you that it gets old fast. Especially if she has a tendency to rip ass while she pisses.

    I miss the good old days when she would get embarrassed and yell, "Don't listen to me!!" Every relationship should have some mystery.
     
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  14. Rolo75

    Rolo75 Fapstronaut

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    Hey,

    Lol that situation would probably not help me, seeing my girl pee would throw me over the edge lmao .
    But i get what you are saying bro. But i love living in cities way too much
     
  15. Rolo75

    Rolo75 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed today, i feel like shit :(
     
  16. countitjoy5

    countitjoy5 Fapstronaut

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    It's a dopamine thing, you should have bonded with your wife but you wired your neurology for this stuff. It's all about dopamine - pray for God to take your fascination for this kind of thing away.
     
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  17. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    Just keep trying. Never give up. You got this!
     
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  18. plzrlzme

    plzrlzme Fapstronaut

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    I don't want you to feel like shit. I really do not.

    When you talk about relapse, are you talking about engaging in behavior that interferes with your job, your family, your friendships, your relationship with your s.o., or in some other way negatively affects your ability to be a functioning, positive member of society?

    When you follow drunk women into alleys, that is totally wrong. You should definitely not do anything that would make someone else fear for their safety or undermine their reasonable assumption of privacy. If porn is a trigger for that behavior, cut it out of your life.

    But . . . why not find a nice girl who likes pee? If the internet has taught me anything, it is that they exist. Yes, it is going to severely curtail your dating life. You won't have as large a pool (no pun) of potential partners as someone who is into blondes or women with large breasts. That doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there for you though. I think what you want isn't the worst thing in the world, but the way you are looking for it is completely wrong.

    Man, there are people in this world who will think you are gross for eating toast without butter on it. That doesn't mean you need to be ashamed of it. I think it is kind of funny that you are into pee, but I don't think it makes you a bad person. Who knows? Maybe the driving force isn't the pee, maybe you are addicted to hating yourself. Maybe recovery, for you, starts by liking the person behind the braces and underneath the gym bod. Not saying that self-improvement is a bad thing, just that there seems to be a pattern of not liking the person you are right now.
     
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  19. countitjoy5

    countitjoy5 Fapstronaut

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    Reboot is your sledgehammer - disown the fetish, realize that it is not who you are; get back up and try again - I was getting consecutive streaks of over 90 days and I relapsed hard, it only makes me more determined to put the addiction to death
     
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  20. Rolo75

    Rolo75 Fapstronaut

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    Hey,

    Thanks for the headsup. I will definitely pray more. I need to win this battle against porn.
     
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