Never in my life have I felt so lonely - laying next to my wife in the bed I built

Did she leave with a girl friend for girls week away or someone she met? and how do you guys talk about logistics of things, like does she say, i'm planning a weekend away can you watch the kids? i'm just trying to determine based on her behavior and what she says if she might still be raging?

Sorry you feel this way, i'm not going to defend your wife's actions but I have a certain feeling of why she is doing this. If she has started a constant pattern of disappearing or meeting up with a specific person it might mean she's already left the relationship but if she's just going on dates, i believe she's just trying to get validation back and move away from the betrayel and hurt and its coming out in anger. Time, as hard as time is proving to be, is all that you can hope for, that she will realize that her behaviors are just destructive to her too. Can i ask if you have been viewing her differently lately knowing that she is dating now? do you think the porn blinded you of who and what you had and now that you realize its taking away your life that you are sobering up to all the great things you had?

No matter what happens, porn or any type of self destructive behavior is not the answer, all addictions progress and you would be exchanging one problem for the other. What you said about your children is true, you want to show your son a better path and your daughter how a man should treat her. I know it may seem a long way from not only recovery but happiness in general but think of how far you have come, 66+ days and if you stick in there you will have a year behind you and by then maybe things will have improved in your marriage, maybe too much damage has been done already, but you can't go on with life viewing it as your determination to change is so you can keep your wife. It should be first and foremost so you can be a healthier better person for yourself so that you can be a good father and if she is still there, husband as well.
I'm very happy you have disclosed this to your family and friends and hope you are reaching out to them in your moments of despair so they can help you get through it. In my moments i reach out, i come to this website, i journal, i read on addiction, codepency, self help sites, etc.. this is something your wife needs to do eventually too and you might be surprised if she may be up for it one day, just not now as her wounds are still so raw. I recommend you trying the book, "how can i forgive you" it is written for both the addict and the SO. It might help you to read on books of what she is going through just as it would be helpful that she does the same for you. I know you feel that she is one way and would never go to a therapist, etc... for help, but she may if she hits her rock bottom. Just like the addict, the SO may sometimes need to hit their rock bottom during their rage to realize that their behaviors is unbecoming of them or not something they are proud of or really want to engage in. She has children with you, she may eventually wake up and realize how much she is going to hurt them too. Either way, she has forgiven before, so now she may feel she is done easily giving you a chance and she is figuring this out another way. Did you end up going to couples counseling?

Hang in there! you dont have to believe in GOD but most people believe in a "higher power", whats the saying - You reap, What you sow? Stay on the right path and you will be doing the right thing for you and your kids. Your future with anyone, especially yourself depends on it.

 

hope bring you some strength

 

I'm a bit confused, didn't she last say she plans to stay married till the kids are in college? now she is ready to split?
I think her need to go out with her gfs is a way, again, to gain her self esteem and power back, and really dependent on the types of friends she has, if she doesnt' have a mind of her own and comes across gf's who think more strongly about these things, they may be giving her support to move on. The problem with your situation is tht there has been a history of relapses and then a long period of time of usage without her knowing, so she may assume you never stopped using. She may think you have gone farther. there are all so many things that can come to play. You can only just sit back and let her figure out in her mind if this is what she really wants to do and yes, you need to accept it. Like i said, the life of an addict is never a fulfilling one and there will always be problems because the addict can not be there in whole for his family and then the family detaches. You sound as though you are very active in your childrens lives and I am so happy to hear about that. you have to look forward, you can't change the past. Maybe it is the end for your marriage but your marriage the way it was was headed no where. Maybe it is better these things come to light before you did do more then just porn. It may seem that the end is here but based on her back and forth reactions, she is still not in touch with her feelings because she is not reaching out fof the help and support she needs to deal with this. You have, so, follow your path, dont let your emotions set you back, think of positive thoughts and ways to make yourself better for the future.

was she your first love? the way i think of things during break ups is i remember back when i thought my life would end when i broke up with someone i loved, i realized that time heals wounds and you tend to learn lessons from those relationships and become a better person. That is what you should do, become a better person for your future and whomever is in it.

 

@ParvusSapentia As a SO of a PA I feel the need to reply. I really think you need to see things from your wife's perspective. You are victimizing yourself when you were the catalyst for hurt in your relationship.

My husband of 14 years just told me about his PA 9 days ago. The depth of my feelings about this betrayal have been shocking to me. Initially I also asked for a divorce. I felt like if my husband has lied to me about this for our entire marriage, what else is he lying about?

A huge issue for me is the amount of porn that he consumed and the sheer amount of nudity and lusting over other women that he did. Women who are Photoshoped, edited made up, and posed so they don't even resemble themselves any more. No woman wants to be compared to fake. Compare me to a real woman, but not a fake photo of one.

Also, because of my husband's addiction, I was ROBBED of a loving partner for many years. I was ROBBED of a healthy and active sex life and when we did have sex, it was all about him fulfilling his needs. I actually look back now and feel like 100 other women were in the room with us.

Now I am a very attractive woman, but under the guise of pornography my husband was blinded and could not see how pretty I am. I was ROBBED of an admiring spouse. I was ROBBED of intimacy, touch, and adoration. And my self esteem plummeted because of it. This whole time I could feel his energy change towards me. I knew and asked, but he always lied.

He is rebooting. Broke his phone, got a flip phone, started working out again, has started counselling, and is willing to do WHATEVER it takes to repair the damage. And you know ehat? He has started looking at me again. Appreciating me. And admiring me. And it feels amazing.

I guess what I am trying to say is that your wife's feelings are totally valid. You did this-you need to repair it, instead of playing the victim.

 

hi @Sadgirl, im so happy you are sharing your story and i'm hopeful it will help others as well as yourself. As for @ParvusSapentia, i think he is finally learning the impact and trying to be honest to himself for recovery. Unfortunately it took this extent of a few relapses to get it but i believe he only got it because this time it may just be the end ,sometimes this is the path some people need to have their epitomy. I think that his wife's reaction might be beneficial for him, although it might not seem this way, only because as she has forgiven him before, nothing changed with her ability to give it another try and he only hid it more, now it's time for him to surrender fully to the fact that he has a disease that requires support outside from himself, to which thankfully he has. So no matter where his life lies and ends up, it can't be any worse then where he was, still in his addiction, still cheating his wife, kids, himself of a full life.
Things happen for a reason, you dont get different outcomes doing the same thing. It has reached a point in his life where he is being forced off to face his real problems and i think deep inside he is happy he is eventhought is so painful to come to terms with. Maybe ultimately this time apart, separation and time for reflection for them both will bring about the desire to want to try it again doing it differently. When i read your story, it helps to remind me how so many others are suffering and how the addicts may truly not realize what a traumatic, life changing thing and "not just porn".
You've spent so many years of your life feeling you've living a lie, i've only had two years and it traumatized me pretty badly so i can't imagine the pain you or others are going through, i'm sorry for what you went through and am glad that your husband is doing everything to show you he wants to change and that there is a chance to saving your family.

 

I've been reading your story for a while and to be honest I don't have any good advise to give to you, but I want you to know that you are not alone, your struggle really impacted me and I wish the best for your life. You said that you are not religious but I'll be praying for you and for your family.

 

I'm sorry,this is so funny I just had to post sign up and reply even though I usually just lurk.First off,this is not all the op's fault,the wife's lack of intimacy clearly also caused a rift in their relationship.All relationships are about give and take,and I've seen so many breakups due to lack of intimacy.Your post sounds like your are pinpointing everything on the op.He is so vulnerable right now that he is willing to grab onto any life line even if it blinds him,soI really just want to give him a second perspective.

Secondly,you do realized that sometimes things just don''t work out?This woman,from his description, is clearly sick of their relationship.Match site?No ring?Going out all night?.A picture is worth a thousand words,in this case,her actions are worth a thousand pictures. Independence should be proven by one's actions.She has done just that,verbally and physically.You are under the assumptions that she is 'healing' and needs time when she maybe is just done?

finally,If she changed her mind about when to split then that pretty much means that she is 'done' imo.The constant theme with him and his wife is that she doesn't love him anymore,its been going on for years.This have been proven with actions and words.If anything,by not accepting things for what they are and assuming,not only are you undermining his wife but also establish her as someone who is not independent enough to know what she wants.She is capable,she has proven it.

OP:I'm sorry about your situation,and I clearly sense you love her very much but sometimes you just got to reevaluate your situation with a clear mind.Go to a therapist for professional help.It is alot better than getting help on Nofap as they look at things objectively. Its ok to try and savage a relationship, but don't let allow your partner to manipulate you into a web of bondage.As a buddhist,you are taught that the more you hold on to,the more suffering you feel,the both of you.Sit and her down and have a serious talk with her,tell her your perspective.If he says it is over,then it IS over.It is ridiculous to think that over the 6 years that this is going on,that she does not really know what she wants and is just 'recovering'.

Lastly op,as much as anyone on this forum says,all the Nofap in the world won't save you from this one.Because sometimes,its no longer about you.Although with that being said,if you ever divorce,on your next relationship,you would have become a different man,so never give in to the urge.

 

I feel like this is a tad unfair,considering how your circumstances differ quite a bit.For one,you clearly love your partner hence you accepted his change.His wife ,on the other hand,had abused him emotionally to the point of crying.Has opening stated,and acted on, her feelings of disgust towards him daily.She has visited dating sites and has even outright stated her intentions for divorce,even going as far as shortening said date.This all happened in the span of 6 years or so.Maybe there is nothing left to repair?Also the op stated that this started from a lack of intimacy from his wife,so maybe the problem has taking roots before the Pmo, and that pmo only exacerbated the problem

OP:Once again,visit a professional who deals with marriages.They are more objective about everything.When you take advice from people who've gone through the situation but on the receiving end,they tend to be much more biased and emotional.People are rarely 'fair' by nature.From my objective point of view,your wife is past the 'I'm a victim part'.

 

@ParvusSapentia I read your OP, and it makes me sad, I couldn't imagine the pain you must be feeling knowing your own wife doesn't like being with you, and doesn't understand how hard addiction is, I feel for you... All I really want in life is to find love, someone I can wake up to every morning, someone I can sneak out of bed and make breakfast for, I want someone I can cherish and make things for, I'm very lonely, its hard to imagine the pain of having your loved one reject you. I hope you get through this and congratulations on hitting 70 days porn free!!! Don't give up hope, you can still fix it and your relationship, once your free from the sin that is porn, you CAN fix this... I'll be praying for you bud, keep on trucking and don't give up!

 

I'm not sure what you find so funny? I guess as someone who isnt' on the end of the short stick, it would be funny.
it's PA's like you that make other PA's go off the track and get more confused. First off did you read his history? He has had this issue for a long time, hid it during the marriage, it was a problem before the children (i think even marriage) came along and escalated after. I'm not saying his wife is right in her behavior but if you are anywhere near recovery to which you are able to have emotions, feelings, empathy, a clear brain, then you would have more understanding and respect for a woman who has basically lost her husband to years of hidden addiction and betrayal. She didn't go off on a dating website of her own accord because she didnt' like how his face looked or how he spoke, when you are lied to consistently or even periodically in a relationship or at all! the relationship becomes a lie, if you didn't hear this from your SO, you can hear it from me, there are really no such things as small lies, if it's something you have to lie about you probably shouldn't do it, if the shoe were on the other foot you might agree. Unless that is maybe the life style or morals you grew up with and that has lead you here? A website you are putting down by telling him he will get no help?.. yet you come here to read and give others advice to give up on their significant others because they are not behaving in the way that you think is acceptable? If that were the case she would've given up on him the first 2 times her world was rocked. Where does this bring us? a world where people live not growing, learning from mistakes, having children and moving on if they dont like what they see or hear? are you that superficial, unemotional, detached?
Maybe the man wants to make amends to the mother of his children? and now he has to pay the price with her own destructive behavior and figure out if he is willing to stay until she will or even can work through this damage going through her mind. You can only hit a dog for so long before it bites back.
What is funny is you are implying that the person who has committed the crime should now call himself the victim and point the finger? and blame her mental issues on this. What lesson are you teaching a person who is owning up to his mistakes? If and when he is ready to give up on his wife, he hopefully will, for the reasons that he has done all he can to save what he had, not because he doesn't like the fact that his wife who has born his children on the premise of having a life together is now in a position where she feels she doesn't even know who the person she married is.

Until you are in the shoes of being that someone screwed over, i think you should save your laughter and negativity and bad advice of giving up on his marriage because his wife is depressed. Maybe it is over, but it has been only since Jan that she found out that once again she has been betrayed, and so, for her she is wondering if he ever was recovered. I dont think she's sitting there thinking, well this must be a mistake and he's going to be fine, been there, done that.

 

I think it's great you are offering positive reinforcement, thoughts, wishes, no matter where this path may take him, going on the right one and doing the right thing will free his soul. I hope that your own recovery is going well and you keep the faith too!

 

This is part of the big problem with what is happening in the world. Their is a problem with oversexualation of women in the media. Men philandering is taken as them being "the man", Women are viewed as just either wives/moms or arm candy/sex pots. You can not watch a movie these days without some sexualization of women, even in cartoons. This happens in commercials, billboards, marketing for a burger even?... The head honchos in the business knows sex sells, they know it is addictive, they know if they put it out there and sell it as a MANLY thing that they will make the $$$. On the other end of the spectrum of capitalizing off of women using sex is It then sells breast/butt implants, face lifts, rejuvenations, you name the problem, they have a "procedure" for it. Look at the news/social sites - MTV/VH1/BRAVO, their shows are about selling sex and bad behavior. Watch tmz? they are always glorifying some athlete who's "banged" some strippers or some strippers who have hoodwinked some rich guy. We live in a world where your daughters have Kim Kardashian as a role model basically? what does that say about what's going on in the world? Just as in porn, the push for extremes is what sells, it becomes addictive and then it becomes a big problem. But sadly sex/porn is not spoken of, it's not suppose to be a problem, it's "cool", until you see the divorce rate is up to like 70% 8(. There's nothing wrong with having sex with alot of woman, any time anywhere is the thought process and sex is just an act, And ok, this may be for some people but to capitalize on it by allowing it to be in main stream media, on a billboard, commercial, social sites without some adult content filtering and forcing it upon us and our children is highly wrong. Maybe i dont want myself nor my child to see a mans penus in tight underwear on a billboard or a basically naked lady in a thong and bra at the bus stop sign?....
It also makes it harder for those stuck in this sex trap to recover because it basically is being forced down your face when you turn on the tv or leave your house. 8(