Never in my life have I felt so lonely - laying next to my wife in the bed I built

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ParvusSapentia, Jun 16, 2017.

  1. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Thanks good advice. Love the Tolstoy quote, he's in my top 5.

    I know what I've done, I know who I am and I know what I need to do. I need to forgive her for any and all, because that's what I want from her.

    However I also can't be the only one to move towards healing... Her own words and actions suggest therapy is going to be more focused on ending things in an amicable way.

    She came home at 6, and wouldn't make eye contact with me. Instinct is telling me she is definitely not willing to work with me, she's busy finding someone else, and may have just spent the night in the arms of someone else.

    Overthinking isn't healthy. My heart is breaking and my family falling apart, but I'm not going to let this push me into a dark place.
     
  2. underthesky

    underthesky Fapstronaut

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    More dating sites and going late night out.Also telling you to find someone else....I think your lady knows what she wants.Not that you shouldn't try to make things work but still sometimes things just don't.At least you have come to term with the fact that its is not all your fault,some of the members on this site was actually trying to centralize you and pmo around the break down of your marriage.

    At this point,I would do a couple of things.Work Out,weight lift and LOOK BETTER.Your wife ,at least at this point, doesn't want to hear you talk.So focus on you and quit focusing on her,by simply taking all her crap without retaliating doesn't necessarily make you better in her eyes.Now I'm not talking about confrontation,just leave the lady alone and work on you.Coming off desperate would turn anyone off regardless....
     
  3. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Golden words. At least it would make you eventually feel better
     
    Aiyoshi likes this.
  4. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely thank you both!

    I've been trying to do just that, have been hitting weights pretty hard, going to gym from 8-10 pm and dropped nearly 40 pounds so far since last Christmas. Best shape I've been in since my early 20s!

    I harmed our relationship in numerous ways. I'm working on forgiving myself for this, and in the process have realized the breakdown of our relationship is not all my fault. We were both damaged when we met, and for a while helped each other.... but the stresses of life and poor coping mechanisms (pot & booze for both of us, porn for me, new clothes for her) means we never really tried to work on our issues.

    I agree she has explicitly told me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

    I'm having trouble accepting this because I am positive if we work together we could have a wonderful family life... but I can't make that happen on my own.

    I am focused on controlling the only thing I can - being the best version of myself that I can be. Despite my venting here and a lot of tears, I am making progress.

    Support here really helps!!!
     
  5. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Dear, I feel for you.
    More than ever I would love to hear my husband say these words, that he understands and willing to change. And that he wants happy life together, like you do.
    You did amazing job, really.
    The changes you are making makes you better person. I can relate to your pain and sorrow. Don't give up.
    Try to stay positive.
    Try to find inner happiness.
     
  6. I will win

    I will win Fapstronaut

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    So here's what you are gonna do:
    1.Calm your nervous and take a deep breath.

    2.Show her your account on nofap, so that she can understand that you want to overcome this addiction.

    3.Have a discussion with her calmly without getting nervous.

    4.Tell here that women can get addicted to porn. Show her personal experiences on the internet and studies.

    5. Tell her that if she were you, you would have been supportive to her and you would have understand what being addicted to something means.

    6.Tell her that if she were addicted to porn, you wouldn't have treat her the way she is treating you now.

    7.Tell her to help you to overcome this addiction.

    And in conclusion, best wishes to you!
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  7. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    I have said many of these things, but she is not willing to listen or participate in any way in my recovery. At first I thought this was her pain speaking but as time passes I'm starting to realize she really doesn't care about me anymore. Hasn't for years. Doesn't celebrate any of my successes (spends the money though!), doesn't try to offer solace or support when I'm down, and has flat out said she hates me.

    I don't need her to recover. I don't need her at all. I want to share my life with her but she has made it clear that she has decided she won't ever love me or be intimate with me again.

    She doesn't believe you can get addicted to porn, refuses to hear anything about dopamine (perhaps because she is in denial about her own addiction to online retail).

    Doesn't care or believe that I'm 70 days in, or that I've given up m to make sure I can break the addiction for real.

    This is an awesome list, will be among the topics of our first therapy session. regardless of whether we can reconcile, I owe her an apology for the harm I've caused.

    I'm not going to give up, Pmo may have been a part of my past but it is not who I am and has no part of my future regardless if I can share it with her.
     
  8. I will win

    I will win Fapstronaut

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    That sounds bad. Are you thinking about divorce? Is she also thinking about such a thing?
     
  9. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Yup, but I'm not done and still wearing my ring
     
  10. Estus

    Estus Banned

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    Parvus if you want an honest solution to your problems I have one for you.

    Simply unannounced disappear for a few weeks then come back randomly and never tell her where you went or even talk about it.

    Don't call either or pay any bills while you're gone. Just vanish and I'm sure when you come back she will respect you, at least a little and you can build from there.
     
  11. Andero21

    Andero21 New Fapstronaut

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    You have to accept the situation.
    You have changed. Now let this change be reflected outside.
    Change your clothing. Try different colour shades. Look better. Feel better. Bond better with the kids. Smile more. Take them out every weekends and sometimes on weekdays too. Your kids deserve happiness. You deserve happiness and also your wife deserve it. Let her be. Wish her good. Sacrifice is the greatest form of love. You can only hope that she recognises it one day. If she doesn't, then only wish her a happy life.
     
  12. Aiyoshi

    Aiyoshi Fapstronaut

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    While the solution gave here is harmful to the relationship and the kids, he is right about how getting away from her will create a better relationship.

    I used to have a similar problem with my mother, we spent years suffering together and harming each other, one of us would often pull the victim card and scream at each other.

    Howerever, after I became a christian and decided to change my behaviour I saw that the way I was reacting to her answering the phone mid conversation is a trigger and a sign of codependency.

    Then I changed it, started to do my thing whenever it happens and became emotionally independent. As consequence she one day saw that one of the problems was her grudges with me and granted forgiveness.

    This is only one example of how taking care of our problems before worring about others changes the situation and you're already doing it, which is GREAT!

    So try going one step further and do everything in your way to solve YOUR problems in a good way friend and let her be. Leave her where she is for a while and endure this pain.

    Divorce now is a foolish idea, she said 11 years together and this has been going for a month, your kids are older than this fight and they deserve more.

    "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

    She will come back once you become the independent and strong alpha male that you're capable of being and when it happens, you'll be in a much better spot to help her.
     
  13. seraphim64

    seraphim64 Fapstronaut

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    Wow you sound like my twin brother. My wife responded in the same way, however it was relieving to take the mask off myself and let her see the real me to be come vulnerable. Our Pastor even encouraged her to work with me through this journey but she feels betrayed and cheated on. she is leaving me. I feel your pain brother.
     
    ParvusSapentia likes this.
  14. I will win

    I will win Fapstronaut

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  15. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Reboot going strong!

    I think at this point unfortunately my marriage is dead. She is completely indifferent to me, not even angry or hurt. She thinks the only way to be happy is without me.

    Counselling + mediation is next step... my therapist says the end of an important relationship is a lot like a death ... I've reached the aceptance phase I think.

    i will somehow figure the rest out
     
    nelloJ and Hanging by a thread like this.
  16. Ocguy

    Ocguy Fapstronaut

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    She's punishing you and you need to say Enough! " Say, yea I made a mistake and it's not me anymore. I love you I provide for you and i.m still the same person you fell in love with, if that's not enough then let's end it because I.m not going to allow you to punish me in perpetuity.
    Then simply grab your balls, find some activities after work, join a pool league, or something , invite her see what she says. let her mistreatment of you blow off your back. No biggie. Even if it hurts like hell. U will not get her back any other way. She has lost all respect and u have to earn it back by not being a little cowering bitch. Be a man. Tell her you love her. Don't gush and go on with your life. She will see that her power trip is over and she will come back around. Or she will agree with the decision to end it and you can at least go on with your life. But this will never stop until u take control again. In a loving yet firm way
     
  17. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    i dont think grabbing your balls or playing pool will be the answer. That's probably part of the problem in the first place. I think alot of men have the conception that treating a women disrespectful, betraying, lying, etc... should be forgiven with a sorry, i wont do it again? and when it happens again and again, they still think they should be believed or forgiven with by simple gesture of sympathy?. Maybe some reflection and truth to your parts and ofcourse the SO reflecting on their parts would do better then grabbing balls, whipping chains, drinking beer, disappearing, would help? Its the "caveman" idealism that women need to "be put in their place", "forgive and forget", "its a guy thing" that is the problem. She is definitely not dealing with this issue the way she should, just as he didn't, but giving advice as to be "A Man" by going to have beer and play pool might not be the best. Perhaps the answer is you just have to own up to your shit, bad behaviors and not blame anyone else but yourself for the hole you just dug yourself in?... for her, she is digging her own hole. Maybe the good thing to do is do right and make it right, not with an eye for an eye. Maybe the forgiveness you seek is the forgiveness you should give? I think this dude is being a REAL man and a human being by owning up to his shit and not playing these tit for tat games. It's going to help him really heal himself, regardless of if she is there or not.
     
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  18. Tim M.

    Tim M. Fapstronaut

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    ParvusSapentia,

    Thank you for posting about this. This is my exact situation; My wife and I have been married for 8 years, going on 9, and she made clear recently that my PMO addiction is the reason why she'll never touch me again. We have 3 kids, and divorce is not an option, for myself or for her, but the loneliness is the worst I have felt in forever.

    It looks like we can keep things civil, but the fact that I hug her to show affection, and she just basically goes stiff and doesn't reciprocate even that much, shows just how much damage has been done. I am barely starting in this fight, but your handling of your situation and your viewpoint give me hope.

    Thank you again.
     
  19. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

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    If it is going that way, look into Restorative mediation (I think that's what it's called) - it's a trend in family law toward more peaceful separations.
     
  20. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your response. Unfortunately my house has descended into madness... but you are very right in one sense - other people's emotions should not dictate your own.

    No matter what she says or does, I am showing up for life. Doesn't matter what names she calls me, doesn't matter if the kids need her and she's not here. Doesn't matter if she stays out all night or caused our bank to go into overdraft.

    All of this is horrible and painful. Part of my world is forever changed. Divorce and my children's suffering is in front of me.

    All of this could be fuel for a relapse. Instead I choose to draw strength from my challenges. I choose to not go backwards.
     

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