On 45 days

One of the things that happens when you give up an addiction that has basically run your life - whether it's fapping, food, alcohol, weed, getting angry or gambling-

Is that the sun comes up in your soul and you say to yourself, "OMG...all that time wasted. Wish I could get that time back."

Here is what fapping has cost me:

*Intimacy in my marriage (ex) and with my girlfriends
*Lack of sexual interest in my partners compared to what it would be if i hadn't (done this) this morning, or yesterday, despite the person being in bed with me being someone I am very attracted to.
*Wasting time chasing webmodels who don't care if I come or go, live or die, just want the money
*Embarrassment - keeping it to myself, but having a secret that I couldn't even tell a therapist
*The low self-esteem coming from the knowledge that there is something I do that I can't stop
*Raw and red you-know-what sometimes
*Work projects massively delayed, or late
*One time I parked a car outside my building, went inside to get something, ended up clicking on the computer, fapping to whatever, came down and the car had been towed away. Cost me $250 and four hours to get it back. I was gone 20 minutes instead of 30 seconds.

What I have gotten from NoFap:

*Nothing red or raw - just normal, ready to go if necessary instead of "Uh, oh, what if it doesn't come up? Geez, leave that thing alone for 5 minutes!"
*Self-confidence
*The feeling of overcoming something that was making me truly miserable
*Knowing, when i am talking to a new potential partner, that I don't have to also contend with my OTHER partner
*More time to do more productive things that bring satisfaction
*The overwhelming feeling of wanting to thrust, but understanding that I will thrust when there is someone to thrust with, not by myself because I OBVIOUSLY can't handle masturbation.
*Less anxiety
*Meeting people here who share the same struggles - I am not alone - and posting things which I thought maybe people would attack me for, and they haven't.
*More energy, better workouts - hopefully my new partner will appreciate! ("Working hard to serve you better.")
*Looking forward to the day I meet someone I click with and we can do all those things that make having a partner one of the nice things in life.

I'm also pretty severely lonely lately - wow, it really hurts. "But dude, we are in a pandemic, you haven't been to ANY clubs or restaurants or anywhere there are people - it's not your fault you are alone." (He said to himself.)

 

I have nothing to say except to say there is always someone in your neighborhood who is having a hard time and they think nobody cares...whatever it is you have to share, you can share it, it doesn't have to be physical labor.

 

Wanted to add that since I wrote the above, people have come into my life and I am no longer lonely like I was in the above post. Tomorrow, who knows? Today, that hungry part of me is sated.

 

84 days today. It feels like 300.

Wanted to add-

I have been joining OnlyFans accounts here and there - and regretting it. Not for any other reason than you can't see what's there until you pony up, and then I get someone who isn't very attractive (to me) or is a dimwit, which to me is a turn-off.

It isn't porn - it's just women without clothes who are of a certain physical type I love. I think porn is people fucking. Like this might be classified as "Art but with harsh lighting."

There is one I really like - I know her in person for 6 years now and she is, I will tell you guys, the most attractive woman I've ever met physically - and she I and go back and forth writing long messages. But when the subscription lapsed, I didn't renew, and so now I am off OnlyFans. I'm talking about I send actual Christmas cards in the mail to her - and her mother! I am lucky in that women like me. That's one thing I have going. Other things are not so clear, or easy, in this life, but that one thing is pretty solid.

I hope nobody thinks I'm full of shit because I've had 84 days NoFap except a fap every 30 days, on the 30th day - day 30, day 60, next one day 90 (If I want to - I have the option.) Make sense?

Anyway...date tonight, with bartender I've known for 6 years but who recently broke up with her bozo boyfriend. We're going to drive into the mountains, and I'm going to take her picture, click click click, then dinner or cawfee or ice cream or such. No specific plans for sex or such, but open to whatever wants to happen, or nothing. I usually wait for them to make the first move.

That is all...