One day down many more to go

You know I never would have thought I'd find myself on a site like this but then again I never would have thought I had a problem with porn until I took a real long hard evaluation of myself.

So to tell you all about me I am 29 and single. I have a degree in mathematics and working towards a masters in computer science and work as a math tutor for the university I attend. My dad passed away 3 months ago I loved him dearly but I've yet to have that "breakdown" moment and it's left me wondering if I am just an emotionless bastard for not feeling much of anything and I can't help but wonder if maybe porn fried that part of my brain.

I started looking at porn when I was young if I had to put an age to paper I'd say I was around 9. It started out benign enough I suppose looking at naked girls showing their tits and ass and as a young man i was captivated by it. However, since I did not have a computer at home it was few and far between when I looked up pornographic stuff. I do remember looking up alot of porn when My parents finally got a home computer when I was around 12 or so.

I liken porn as a sort of Pandora's box once it's opened it releases all of its evils into your mind and it's just a slippery slope from just looking at tits and ass to the very dark recesses of the human mind Before I knew it I was looking up hardcore porn, humilation, rape, beastiality and as a young man it was all interesting and very very wrong but I found myself deriving a certain sadistic aroual when I looked at this disgusting trash but I couldn't stop looking at it.

Eventually I got away from all that and it didn't interest me anymore my tastes became more tame in comparison but I continued to just read and watch porn as a way to temporarily feel "release" and I imagine I'm not alone when I say this I didn't think I had a problem at the time.

Then it struck me when I was in my late teens when I first had sex and I couldn't maintain an erection or if I did it was because I had my girlfriend do some sort of demeaning task so I could get my rocks off... (truly disgusted thinking about it) I didn't know what was wrong with me and it made me feel less of a man so right away I knew the answer was surely more porn because it had to have been my girlfriend's fault as to why I wasn't aroused enough!

So I would retreat to my masturbation station and look up porn until the early morning hours as a way to make myself feel manly and just a little bit more dead inside. little did I know it was only hurting me in the long run and this cycle would repeat itself.

Relationship wise they never lasted long a couple weeks to few months the longest relationship was for a couple of years. I still don't know why she stuck around with me for as long as she did...

Interpersonal relationships were at a low I didn't have much friends I don't know if it was because of porn or if it was because I believed that having more friends than one could count on one hand was a liability the truth is probably somewhere in between. As a result I would find myself more interested in manning my masturbation station rather than hanging out with my friends and developing other relationships

It got to the point where I convinced myself that I don't need friends, I am perfectly happy being alone even though deep down inside if I had been truthful with myself I would have known that I am was actually truly depressed, angry, sad and alone.

Finally, one day this was maybe about a month ago I was reading fictional horror stories and the internet being the weird beast that it is you can be reading one thing and before you know it you did a complete 180 from what you were initially doing/reading And I saw this article signs that you are a porn addict. Going in I was laughing to myself thinking I would have none of those "symptoms" turned out I had every single one of them.

To my dismay and to convince myself that I wasn't a porn addict I did more research trying to prove to myself that I was perfectly fine that I was most definitely not a porn addict. But every article I read, every video I watched broght me close to the truth and that is I have a problem... I am a porn addict... a loser... a loser that truly believed looking at and watching porn is a "manly" thing to do.

Reading resource after resource doing research, reading other people's personal struggle with porn I realized I was no different and that I need and wanted to change. It finally brought me here which I am glad so thank you all.

I turned 29 this past July the 15th to be exact and my present to myself was that I wasn't going to be a loser anymore. Operation Better Self was given the green light and I was going to make a concussion effort to better myself and I swore off porn and masturbation.

It hasn't been easy some days are more difficult than other but I am happy to announce that I've been clean for 20 days and I haven't relapsed I can tell the difference in my personality I'm not as angry anymore, much more rested and relaxed

I am able to actually hold conversations with other people and women much more easily. I can look at a good looking woman and not think about what they would look like naked or what sort of demeaning things I'd like to do to them... instead I approach them (which I wouldn't have done in the past)
and enjoy the conversation at hand and truly listen to what is being said. it's a refreshing feeling and I love this new lease on life

I know that this is a rather long post and a lot of it was hard to type but it's time I let go of all this stuff that I've been holding on to and never told anyone before and be truthful about it all. I can not expect to be victorious in this fight if I'm not honest with myself.

So if you've read this far I appreciate that and thank you. Let us conquer this beast together! And just as porn is like a Pandora's box the one thing that remained inside was hope and that is what I'm believing in. The hope of being better.

Tomorrow will be the longest streak I've had. One day down many more to go.

 

Thanks it's nice to know I'm not alone any more now that I have all of you here.
that great advice I should start a journal I haven't even thought about doing that!

 

Yeah it's very uncomfortable accepting that truth and your right I can't move forward unless I accept it. Thanks!

 

Thank you for the warm welcome and kind words. It's nice to know I'm not alone and I have a great community that has my back.

My current strategies. Well I've always been the type that once I know what is wrong, and have identified the enemy and how it operates I attack the problem head on.

Knowing how the enemy operates especially p in a subversive way seeking to undermine you at every move. This means I have to be subversive and eliminate the threat before it manifests itself.

So far what I have done to be successful is deleting all of my trash, lots of cold showers, meditation, exercising, and staying away from old triggers. I have also installed good firewalls on my phone and computer. I've also began writing again as a creative outlet as a way to relax. And of course a determined one track mind that I will not fail also helps.

Sometimes an image or thought might manifest itself and at times it can be relentless in its pursuit to dominate me. It's a battle of wills and I refuse to lie down and be submissive to it like I used to be. When it all comes down to it is me versus the world and when the world pushes me I have to push back ten times harder.

 

awesome, thanks for the resource!