PM Free and Celebrating Today Month 1

Today is a day to celebrate: it has been 31 days since I went porn and masturbation-free.

For those who are interested, here's the backstory, here's the tools I put into place, and here I am to inspire you and motivate you to take the action you need to get out of the addiction to porn.

Inspiration 1: One tangible result was on full display this past week. I am exhausted from a super-busy week at work, had an important presentation to give on Wednesday, and it was really well. I found myself with an intensity and focus in my mind, at complete ease in my body, and was 'present' in a way that I had not had before. It was like that hour-long presentation was over very quickly, and the commentary and feedback I received was really positive. Afterwards, I knew there is a temptation to 'celebrate by watching porn and masturbating to orgasm' so I made sure to call a few people afterwards, to tell my spouse about how well it went, and to email my AP's with the good news and share the good feelings.

Inspiration 2: A second tangible result is the openness to end arguments with my spouse. We had an epic fight a week ago, about something that she had put up with me for years (and we've argued about before). This time around, after about 45 minutes into the argument, I told her that in the middle of my changing my own behavior around pornography and masturbation, I would also take on this change, and was willing to do what it takes to behave differently in the future. I told her I would not be successful every time, and would be on a learning curve to do things I have never done before and frankly have never tried before, and wanted her help to give me feedback and guidance as I find my way past this flashpoint in our relationship. The argument ended soon after, and she then apologized for throwing a book at me during the argument. (Our arguments get heated, indeed! BTW it was a book I was reading, Doug Weiss' excellent 'The Final Freedom'.)

Inspiration 3: A third tangible result is my sexual energy can be put into helping others. I have recruited several new Accountability Partners and what a reminder of where I once was not that long ago, captive to the bondage of an addiction with a negotiation with pornography that if no one knew, then everything was 'fine'. All the time everything was NOT fine: I was self-medicating my fears, drowning my anxiety, suffocating my craving for approval, erasing any initiative that boredom could produce if I only removed pornography and getting off as an option. This past week, a person asked me 'why LuckyDog do you want to help me with my porn addiction?' and I answered I felt I owed it to others to share the very same help I've gratefully received. Another AP challenged me this week when I replied to a post in a not-so-sensitive manner. In a group call I was challenged about something I said about relapse. I do not mind putting the positive sexual energy to good use: to be unafraid of saying my opinion (used to be very bashful about getting my ideas out there in the past) and to be unafraid of being wrong so I can learn from it. Have been learning a lot, it's been great, while extending my time and energy to help (where I can).

For anyone reading this who is wondering, 'is becoming porn-free worth it?' I recommend you listen to this. I can say that after four decades of enjoying pornography and the high of masturbation and orgasm, I am leaving it all behind for good, by involving others in my recovery. The others include my spouse, my APs that I have found on this site, a weekly NoFap support call, and this coming week my first SAA and PAA meetings. Yes it is sad to leave behind all the terabytes and endless hours of watching strangers fuck, the countless orgasms and good feelings that brought; I'm starting now (at day 31 no less) to think about the grief over that loss (for reference, see the aforementioned Weiss book on page 85). Yet the good stuff is great - many hours of time freed up for creative pursuits and for new relationships, time freed up for deepening existing relationships and re-sparking old ones, time freed up to get all the sh!t done that I've left undone over the years. Yes, putting that sexual energy to use, investing that into my marriage, rather than to pixels on a screen (and clammy tissues in the trash).

In a few hours will leave with my spouse for an out-of-town celebration trip. Will be talking a lot, laughing a lot, and who knows maybe a few tears. I'm Porn and Masturbation free, and plan to come back here for Month 2 on May 24 and continue this.