Porn Addiction, Questioning Sexuality, HOCD, Trigger Warning, Reboot?

This is my first post in this forum and I want to mention right at the beginning that my post may contain triggers.

Since December 2020, I have been worrying about the issues of HOCD and Porn Addiction.
I divide my post into several sections to create a better understanding.

1) Porn use and sexuality (before December 2020).
I have always identified as heterosexual and never had the idea of entering into a relationship with a man, per se. At the club or on dating apps, I was always just focused on girls. Once when I was 16 I wondered if I could be gay, however that thought faded away after a week. I've never had a real relationship, but I've been on a few dates with girls. Sex happened only once, but it was very disappointing. I have never been in love and I have not had many crushes (once on my gym teacher). But I'm also the kind of person who asks himself the question, "How do you know you love someone or have a crush on someone?"

I've been watching porn regularly since I was 12/13 (at least 1-3x a week, if not more, I'm 21 now). I had breaks in between, but never longer than three weeks. I never used to realize how my porn consumption has changed. In the beginning exclusively straight. For years only straight. But even there, I escalated from vanilla porn to rough, hardcore, (interracial) gangbang and cuckold. I never thought about my consumption and took it as normal, as I was unconsciously just looking for a good dopamine kick, as normal porn became too boring for me. When I was 14 or 15 I clicked and masturbated on transgender porn and gay porn out of interest. I felt bad afterwards because I was worried that I could be gay now. The worries were amplified because masturbating was more intense (new dopamine kick because stimuli from new categories). But even those worries faded after a few days and by December 2020 I continued to watch only straight porn, but alternating between the above categories.

2) December 2020
I watched a transgender porn and asked myself the question if I am not gay and how it would be to sleep with a transgender. I researched and came across the site YourBrainOnPorn and the topic HOCD. It all made sense to me, but the dopamine kick was stronger, so I looked at more transgender porn (gangbang, rough, domination) and read transgender sex stories on Quora/reddit. Especially sex stories gave me a strong erection and I felt my head being flooded with dopamine.
I questioned my sexuality more and more searching the internet every day for an answer. I also tested myself all the time by always imagining how it would be to blow a man (or he to me) to see if I would like it/get aroused. The interest was, anal intercourse or kissing did not interest me at all. I was only focused on the blowjob. I also never considered the male body and the thought of an emotional/romantic connection with a man. As soon as I felt a groinal response, I got more anxious. I was just afraid/worried that I was gay. I never worried about consequences like coming out, negative family reaction (my father is somewhat homophobic) or anything else. I didn't think about that at all. I only concentrated on being gay myself, because it would have changed my complete identity. What if my previous life was a lie and I denied my sexuality?

The whole thing went on until February 2021. I turned on gay porn to test how I would react to it. I paid attention only to the cocks and the act itself. The men were not taken into account. My erection got really hard and I was overwhelmed by the dopamine. From that moment on transgender porn was boring for me and my sex stories were now gay sex stories. I didn't masturbate, I just watched/read the porn stories because it made me really aroused and my head couldn't think straight at all. And again: Focus more on the blowjob. The harder the sex story (e.g. group in gay club), the harder the erection and more dopamine.

The whole thing went on until May. I was very confused about my sexuality. Gay porn and sex stories didn't excite me as much as they did in the beginning and I didn't know anything about myself anymore. Even though gay porn, like transgender became boring, it didn't stop me from looking at porn or pictures of transgender/bi/gay and testing myself and seeing how I reacted to it. So slowly I got used to the thoughts with men and kissing didn't disgust me as much anymore. I also noticed that my eyes now would go to men's muscles and I would think to myself, "hmm, nice body." Such thoughts continued to worry me, but were also kind of uncomfortable.

3) Current status.
I never tried to suppress my gay thoughts. Whenever I did, I thought I was denying my sexuality. So I put a stop to all the worrying and said to myself, "I don't care what I am, as long as I'm happy. Whether I am straight, bi or gay, I will accept all thoughts and urges. I will go with the flow of life."
My HOCD thoughts were gone because I accepted every thought as it was. As soon as I saw a good looking man I said to myself "he catches your eye because you like him you like him because you are gay and that's ok." So I was also partially telling myself that I was gay. But somehow it all didn't feel quite right either. So I didn't worry about it anymore, I just tell myself that I just haven't accepted being gay 100% yet (the thought of being in denial worries me). I even started to worry about coming out (although this thought seems absurd to me and I don't even know why and for what I should come out). The coming out thought doesn't worry me because I would come out after I moved far away - so I care quite little what my current environment would think about it.

To sum up: I don't have any worries or stress like I did from December to May, but am still a bit confused about what sexuality I have now. Possibly I should stop looking for the appropriate label and just consider myself bi who prefers anything with a girl but also likes blowjobs (maybe).

4) Urge to give blowjobs.
Even though all the stress is gone and I feel much better, the thought of blowing is there.
As already alluded to, it all started with the urge to blow after several transgender porn. Currently, every few days it comes to me what it would be like to give a blowjob. I want to see if I like it just as much as in the imagination. I want no anal, no relationship nothing more from the boy (or do I deny myself? - Idk). I'm just excited by the thought of trying out the blowjob. What would you recommend me? Should I look for a blowjob date on Grindr now, or first reboot for at least 90 days (no masturbation and no porn, Quora, Reddit) and then see if the urge is still there as strong or not?

Also, can you guys recommend me some good guides for rebooting?

How should I continue in my life?

Should I completely abstain from porn, dating apps and other attractions forever and just see which gender I prefer in reality?


Finally, I would like to say a few words. Even though I meant earlier that I have mostly accepted the idea, of being bi/gay, I would still be sad at first if I fully realized I was bi/gay. I don't know why I would be sad (it's not the coming out fears, as I said before, those don't even exist with me). I would just be sad. Afterwards, I would see how I could continue to come to terms with the idea and try to live out my charms in reality. If I had the chance to remove all my charms concerning blowing or similar and to have my personality as before December 2020, I would take this chance.*

*Interesting: As I wrote the last sentence I got thoughts that I'm denialing my sexuality and I should live my urges and stimulus out.


If you read the whole text I thank you! I really appreciate it. Have a nice day

 

But is this really the right way? I think if try to avoid all possible cues then got thoughts like "I'm in denial because I consciously avoid the cues". And when is the point in my life where I can go back to erotic things like porn? Or should I avoid everything for ever?

 

idk man, it's difficult with all the thoughts.

 

Man, I think this can be more serious, I've seen reports that pornography really is like that and people go to the "extremities", but I recommend you to stay on the fap hard mod if possible, and transmute your energy and go understand what you really are and want for your life

 

What do you mean with serious?

 

Take fap seriously, it's just that I'm still learning the English language