Positively forging an identity, betrayal and a vigorously aged mind by stress

After losing almost everything - in psychological terms - as I approached 18yo (that exaggeration has a purpose) turning inward seemed like such a sound choice that for a while.

After registering down my main issues and patterns of thought-process, all my identity started gravitating around engineering a new version of myself, one more useful to those around me who wouldn't leave no longer. I really aimed at brainwashing the fuck out of my past thoughts and used every weapon at the psychology + neurotransmitter arsenal.

It worked amazingly and it was so fast that I got to heights that I weren't yet ready to breath such 'air'. Then I came crashing down like a meteor.

Rushing to get somewhere is dangerous because staying there isn't guaranteed, I learned.

Although Betrayals weren't new to me, now that my goals as a young adult were loftier and more noble than in the past, at first, I couldn't conceive why people that I intended good sabotaged my road to ascension. A new disease called cynical pessimism plagued my framework to navigating the world and constitutes my biggest obstacle today. In addition, having desensitized my neural network through PMO made this issue an even deadlier combo. Things that I used to enjoy began to lose effect and as soon as something appealing knocked on my door - I'd worry that it would either last shortly or get robbed by ill-intentioned people that were close to me.
Trusting someone became synonym to exposing vulnerability and risking it be used by the lowest angels of human nature. My interests in Philosophy and Psychology derived from the desire to read people's next moves and initiated thoughts before they could put them to action. To this day I'm always in preparation and it's freaking exhausting.

Know how people say that we should hope for the best and plan for the worst?
Try living like that after 4 Grand Betrayals before the age of 25. I feel like I've been 40yo ever since I was 20.
Stress age like a motherfucker, people.
I can't relate to people of my age, intellectualize things too much and sound too intelligent without trying since my way of interacting with the world mainly consisted of difficult written text and deep dialogues, as attempts to navigate the difficult seas of being a useful cog to society. How naive.
I'm not that smart, I just didn't learn to interact the proper way as a young adult.

That brings an almost unbearable loneliness due to communication issues and people or not having the attention span or not wanting to listen to the whole thing.

 

The mistakes I make while communicating push people away because they feel too I'm too 'intense' or technical or deep or tiring.
I actually had a clown personality when I was younger and was very proud of being capable to make people laugh both AT and WITH me. I didn't care I was being see in a 'bad' lens as long as a few people stuck around. The school principal wouldn't go a day without seeing me at her room for disrupting class. I still haven't found the right dose of adult seriousness mixed with playfulness, such struggle overwhelms people most of the time.