Recovering from the trauma of the past

Quite a subject eh?

Struggling to find the correct place for this, but feel it needs to be part of a reboot as it seems to be inextricably linked to our identity as sexual beings - well it is for me at least.

When I say trauma I don't necessarily mean anything hugely abusive - but I am convinced that most of my sexual acting out stems from childhood difficulties. My first introduction to porn was when I was a young teenager, and it was always a place of comfort when I struggled to meet the expectations of my parents, peers, teachers and so on. I got in trouble at school following my parent's divorce, ended up on drugs (now clean many years) and well, ended up pretty much messed up as a result.

Now every time I date and the relationship fails or I suffer a rejection I head towards acting out with sex -- porn, dating websites, fetish websites and generally looking for hookups with who I consider "second best" women who simply don't match my higher purpose or ultimate relationship goal. After that comes food and binge eating, but there always seems to be something.

My self esteem tells me I'm not worthy of a decent relationship. It happens time and time again and I'm convinced that it always will happen until I sort out the learned behaviours that seem to stem from a very young age.

I have a spiritual practice that involves surrendering to a Higher Power and I also meditate daily.

So, what healing processes have you tried for releasing trapped trauma and hurt, and how has it helped your reboot?

 

I've never been a "nice guy" in that sense, but my history is definitely connected to the way I've been in relationships and sex.

That hole or place of lack - it's something in the past. Messages that we're not good enough, not being able to live up to the expectations of others -- and creating an identity to mask that.