Reebooting with wife. Needy and shameful.

Thanks and I got this unknown wisdom a voice in my head said give you guys a fighting chance stay off my porn and dating hookup sites like Grindr Tinder, Adult Friend Finder Doublelist new version of Craigslist Porn Hub Literotica VOD Hotmovies AEBN bisexual playground many other. And break it off with FWB . Not fair to wait on me and my wife comes first. Truthfully this was on day zero found nofap too.

And I'm planning on sticking to it I told her Friday 10/9/20 if she tried to make this work I would cutout all outside sex if she would try too. I said I didn't want to do this but needed sex too. Porn sex addiction induced.

And also on day zero I said to my wife without knowing that what you guys did before nofap website even. Was for the next 60 days we are going to and have been touching but no sex hugging cuddling to get framilar with our bodies again. And then I read you and your hubby did it too to help reset.

I will admit though that I fell today pmo 1,0,0 but I did it 4x a little while ago with no porn and hard each time my body fighting me. After making it PMO 8,13,13 but I got angry not at my wife but frustrated about business things.

And one last thing have you used EMDR

 

My addiction doesn't go as deep as yours, but you need to hear this: Your problem is all about *you.*

Your wife could get killed in a car accident today. You could remarry the woman of your dreams tomorrow. And you would bring your addictions with you. All the same problems would re-emerge in your new relationship.

The journey of NoFap isn't just about changing some habits. It's also a spiritual and emotional journey inside, to the places in your heart, soul, and psyche that you have been afraid to deal with for a long, long time.

You're driven by shame. You've been swimming in shame for so long, you're not even aware of it. Maybe it's all you've ever known. You probably cannot comprehend the kind of freedom that you read about elsewhere on this forum from guys who've gone through a whole reboot.

You think you're addicted to sex. You're not. You're addicted to the dopamine/endorphin rush that sex, porn, and orgasm provide. You need to break yourself from that cycle of gratification.

You are enough. This addiction is spoiling who you really are. I don't know your wife, but I bet she wants to love you (emotionally, spiritually, and especially sexually). I know for a fact that God loves you. But I think that you're so caught-up in your own shame and addiction, you don't have any idea what it's like to love yourself.

Break those cycles. Be free. Enjoy true, deep, rewarding love - and let sex become an expression of that kind of relationship.

 

I'm not trying to justify anything but wife and I both have issues. It's takes two to make this work.

I have so much shame total hate myself and I don't have a clue what a healthy love/sex life should be.

I'm working right now over lunch reply more.

Thanks for the reply and all points true.

 

TRIGGER WARNING read with caution.

After a long day to think about it. You are spot on in so many ways. I cannot truly visualize being free ever or the shame guilt and fear of what was done to me and what I have done sexually. The more perverse the more I hate and lothe myself.

I actually am deeply afraid of the true God have had strange miracles and hear the voice I think is God.

But that injured 5 year old trapped up in my soul is afraid if I expose all this ugliness of my soul he won't even want me. I am afraid of I was totally alone with him in a locked room I would be deathly afraid that he would hurt me too.

One of my Christian freinds told me about a guy who had a vision of a young adult man who went to heaven I guess and God and him went into their own room God locked the door.I cringed had to leave got me that agitated. Only time I remember a door locked was when an adult forcefully trapped me in a room and raped me. Why the hell does this stuff have to come up in my memories now why the fuck does it have to hurt so fucking much?? Why can I just keep forgetting.this why can't I just stay numb?

I seem to in all my addiction short circuited the God path and the only way I feel that it was all right is when I find mmf bi three-way with a MF couple. When that goes on seeing a woman go into warp drive soaking wet encouraging me telling me it's sexy to see me be the bottom. Somehow takes shame away albeit temporarily a few days most. I'm tearing up as I am writing this . But by her liking seeing men together and I have regular sex with her too. It takes the shame and feeling I'm not a man away makes me feel like it's ok . I hate myself later. And give God another reason to punish me.

My wife truly loves me and has told me it's ok she look best me either and always says she doesn't think less of me as a man.

I do not know what love is i i su don't know how to love myself . I feel I have fused hate and abusive violence into love and affection.

And the thing that I'm not sure of as there'semorirs have started to wear my out they started first day on NoFap. I have been free from hard drugs alcohal for 26 years this Halloween 10/31/1994 buy rralyy feel like this might take me down to hell again and so much pain I might relapse I can't stand it.

 

My husband used emdr. He’s had multiple traumas. It is only as good as the therapist who administers it, some are better than others. My brother in law also did it, he had a lot of childhood trauma. Literally changed him. Really helped my husband with something from childhood.

 

That includes your sins.

Do you believe? Christ died to take away all of the sin and shame you are bearing right now. If only you would surrender to God's love and grace, to let him begin the work of unwinding these addictions?

You will never overcome your sin in your own power. You might find tricks to get by, but if God is tugging at your heart, it will only be through fully surrendering to him and enjoying the grace and love of his forgiveness.

Life. Don't delay. Ask him for what you need. Don't presume you know. If God is wrestling with you, let his Spirit in to do his work. That's what I've done, and my life has been changing more rapidly than I could have imagined.

I will pray for you, brother. I dont know you, but I love you. I believe you can see it through to the other side, if you have the strength to open your heart to what God might want to do in your heart.

 

It's not in me at all to change I am not fighting this in my own power.

What I wrote above I see I'm so shattered and afraid God Jesus will hurt me to reject me too.

I see what you say about Jesus but with my crackness and what I saw in S Iraq think I'm too far gone actually to ever be good. I have asked Jesus help before but can't seem to surrender all or say I doo but call of the wild comes and I run.

I'm afraid of God like I said. Best example is Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams has the moment with Matt Dameon where it's ackward thinking Robin Williams going to hurt him too.

I am going to say a simple prayer feel something hovering over me that's good as I'm writing.

 

It's not in me at all to change I am not fighting this in my own power.

What I wrote above I see I'm so shattered and afraid God Jesus will hurt me to reject me too.

I see what you say about Jesus but with my crackness and what I saw in S Iraq think I'm too far gone actually to ever be good.

I now feel something hovering over me and said some things in prayer not sureasure be appropriate to say here (these words came out of my mouth Jesus I will try again then heard say may the blood of the lamb cover all my sexual sins may the blood of the lamb cover my sin's of idolitry from making porn my god may the blood of the lamb remove my shame and anger.) Felt like high voltage electricity go through my body shivvers and now feel better

Maybe I'm not too far gone.

 

Thar sounds exactly right. Enjoy that. Let it happen. This might only be the beginning.