Rejected by wife

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by ParvusSapentia, Jun 10, 2017.

  1. Spiff

    Spiff Fapstronaut

    432
    847
    93
    I say it's worth it to pursue reconciliation. There's no harm in giving her some time and seeing if it can work out. Maybe you should figure out and then tell her exactly what you think a marriage ought to be like - both your end and hers - and see if she agrees with you. If she's really only sticking around for financial comfort - that's certainly a problem. You should be able to tell if she's faking affection just to get her way.

    Personally - I think marriages should be held on to even if it requires self-sacrifice. It seems like a good idea to wait until you're at least a year PMO free and then see what's going on, and how much you're willing to put up with to save a marriage.
     
  2. Before you split, get each other's needs heard clearly. That way, any passive aggressive behavior will be disabled and the kids won't bear the brunt of festering resentment. Just a suggestion. You've come this far may as well try it in the therapy session.
    It's important to say needs only. Without blame, critisms, judgement, analysis, education, regret or apologies because your true message will not be heard if it contains these. Post what you might say here or PM me, and I can help word it for you if you like? Sounds like she is nearly ready to hear your needs if you can word it well. Hope this is ok asking you this? KOW
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2017
    ParvusSapentia and Kenzi like this.
  3. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

    198
    393
    63
    Thanks, I'll have to think about how to say this to her... off the top of my head:

    I need to be loved, respected, shown affection, apreciated, cared for, desired, made love to and made a priority. I also need a partner who will work as tirelessly as I do to make sure our family is provided for, and scrimp and save our resources not fritter them away with no thought of tomorrow.

    I want to be part of a family where we spend time together, have healthy boundaries, and firm rules and limits for the kids.

    Sadly I do not think she is willing to provide some and isn't capable of giving others.

    I have honestly tried to expressed these things over the years and have been laughed at or blown off. Particularly now any time I express anything she is uses my past mistakes as justification for invalidating anything I say.

    I value my marriage immensely and realize that porn may have destroyed it... but now that my head is clear I see there is a lot of reasons I was numbing my brain!

    Really appreciate your response.
     
  4. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

    694
    661
    93
    A word of caution with how you say this...see, everyone grossly overestimates what they're bringing to the table and discount what they don't see the other person do. Is this objectively true? What does it look like from her perspective?
     
    anewhope and ParvusSapentia like this.
  5. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

    198
    393
    63
    Point taken, thank you very much.

    These are not my 'needs' - they're points of frustration. I'll stick to the first half of what I said, and think of a better way of approaching money and child rearing. Sadly I think this is an impasse.

    Honestly not sure it's worth saying anything at this point. She isn't committed or capable of changing.
    I've been rejected by her so many times (not just in the bedroom), that I'm not sure we have a healthy future together.
     
  6. You know what you want and have taken some time to decide on it well done...hard part, how do you express them so your wife can clearly hear? It looks like there is some serious 'enemy image' going on, meaning no matter what you say she only hears blame , criticism, etc. damn. Not to blame either of you only to say that when someone has an image of you from a past experience it is very hard to break through to there empathy. Honestly I don't know you situation apart from your posts but I am hopeful that a slight tweak may show some improvement in you connection with your wife. "I need to be loved, respected, shown affection, apreciated, cared for, desired, made love to and made a priority" personally I think this is ok to say this and you will want to follow up with specific doable action requests like saying 'darling when I remember we haven't been together for many months, I get depressed and anxious because I want to have a deep connection with you show you how much I love you. Are you willing to approach me and give me a hug right now or to talk to me about it?' once you make your request it is up to her how to respond...if your wife isn't willing to hear your needs or meet your requests at all, then someone else will. Its your life and you need things to happen so your happy. Your happiness is primary.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2017
    ParvusSapentia and anewhope like this.
  7. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

    198
    393
    63
    Thanks, I have tried several times recently to express to her that in order for us to have a healthy relationship for ourselves and be a good example for the kids of how married couples relate that we need to be more than roommates...

    I even told her I understand if she needs to work gradually towards sex because she feels betrayed. I can wait as long as she needs for sex... if she can move in my direction and make spending time with me or holding my hand or hugging me a priority of her life I can accept that we can move slowly towards a healthy, loving relationship... it could even be better than it ever was!

    She has made it clear she has zero interest in ANY form of intimacy with me now or ever, and doesn't want to spend more time with me than is absolutely necessary.

    This is not a situation I am willing to participate in. She isn't my wife anymore, hasn't worn her ring since March.

    We have four different therapists we're trying to schedule time with... I'll try this all again including apology and promise of 100% honesty about any break in P/M abstinence, but if she remains firm in her position, the conversation is going to shift to how to uncouple.

    I'm shopping for lawyers, I can not raise kids and pay for the life of someone who would prefer I was dead.

    Yes I struggle with addiction and depression but I am an amazing person and I deserve love.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2017
  8. I just noticed your signature! Holy moly 73 days HM. That is awesome. Especially with the conditions you've got going on there. A true champion if I may say. All of us here at NoFap are supporting you want to see you happier and taking the steps to move forward. I am glad to hear you place your feelings and needs before your wife's because looking after yourself is vital yeah. Knowing her needs is also important but not at the compromise of your own.
    I'm not sure what to say for you now, only that I hope you can work on getting a little bit of peace for what ever happens next.
    When the timing is right Can you say " I am sad and in pain because of this distance between us and I just want to deeply connect with you and express my love for you, are you willing to give me hug right now?"
    Only a suggestion. Can you tell me what happens when you say this?
    I'm sure she doesn't wish you were dead man, unless she said this?

    Onwards and upwards. KOW
     
    anewhope and i_wanna_get_better1 like this.
  9. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

    198
    393
    63
    She may give me a hug, she may say 'ew' or she may tell me I'm an asshole and to go find someone else to hug depending on her mood.

    I'm not going to live my life waiting for affection. While her witholding is not responsible for me turning to porn, all the rejection is incredibly triggering and is harming me.

    I've apologized enough, I'll live my apology by never getting pulled back into a Pmo hole. By taking care of our kids.

    She is slowly killing me by spending money we don't have and whittleing away the what little money we do have. When you have 200 to feed a family for 2 weeks you don't go to Whole Foods! She is deliberately spending money to hurt me. I don't care about money, but it's all resting on my shoulders.

    I found a lawyer but don't know how
    I'll pay her. This is not what I want, but I have come to the conclusion that the only way for me to live in a healthy way and be a good father is to divorce.

    Thanks for the validation, the struggle continues daily. I've never been in a lower place in my life.

    Besides being desperately horny, I am utterly heartbroken and trying unsuccessfully to keep from crying daily. Still managing to go to work every day because the kids need me to keep it all afloat somehow.
     
  10. kattskagg

    kattskagg Fapstronaut

    127
    99
    43
    It's your money, just don't let her spend any unless it's for something essential.


    Kattskägg
     
  11. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

    198
    393
    63
    Absolutely. I just cancelled the last credit card that was supposed to be for emergencies only because she spent 60 on getting her eyelashes darkened. Is that a thing? She has the most beautiful eyes i don't know why she'd do that!?!

    When I asked her how that was ok when I go to the office looking ragged she got angry and said she was trying to make herself feel better.

    That's great, happy she's finally taking care of herself after being martyr mamma for a decade - but she's literally stealing from my kids future every cent has to be paid back but she has no job and I can't even make the minimum payments on all the debt.

    I have no interest in being controlling or vindictive but I'm done having my hard work wasted to fill a bottomless hole inside of her.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  12. kattskagg

    kattskagg Fapstronaut

    127
    99
    43
    She can't buy happiness, people need to realize that. Glad you've made those decisions, really hope she can get out of her misery and fix herself up. I know you'll be a great support for her when and if she wants your help.


    Kattskägg
     
  13. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

    198
    393
    63
    I sure will try. She thinks I'm going to screw her in the divorce... I think I may kind of have to... if I don't two years from now she'll have a new wardrobe and a Range Rover and my kids will be hungry.
     
    SOSo, anewhope and Kenzi like this.
  14. snappedouttafap

    snappedouttafap Fapstronaut

    71
    28
    18
  15. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

    198
    393
    63
    Thanks for asking, means more than you know that someone cares about me!

    Update is that I saw a lawyer for a consult, and she didn't sugar coat things... Basically I have to be patient because if I'm not then it will hurt my kids. If it was just the wife and I we could move forward now... but with her not working there is zero chance we can run two households. She's looking for work but it will be minimum wage, so I have to deal with this situation somehow for a while so kids can stay in the only town they've ever known.

    My lawyer suggested filing bankruptcy, will have to think about it.

    So my wife "wins" for now - gets exactly what she wants- all her bills paid, gets to stay a married housewife while she plays the field and comes and goes as she pleases all while I work my butt off.

    So stuck, suicide and PMO are not answers. My life is like Humpty Dumpty, feel like I will never be able to put the pieces back together.

    Numbness is not going to solve anything. I'm doing weekly therapy and going to the gym as much as I can.
     
    snappedouttafap likes this.
  16. snappedouttafap

    snappedouttafap Fapstronaut

    71
    28
    18
    I'm sorry to hear. But there is a bright side. Once you're finally divorced, have a schedule in place for childcare, you're free to explore! Imagine that, the ability to find someone else who can and will want to tick every box to make you happy. Without a doubt it's sad that your marriage has become what it's become, but I have strong faith that life after this mess is going to be incredibly sweet for you, and it's incredibly important you always keep this in mind. With the toxicity no longer present, you can begin to fill your life with things that promote change for the better. You can solely focus on you, opposed to "us" and work to be the best version of you. And once you're there, you'll be in a great place, content and happy enough with how you are that finding someone else will just be a short matter of time. You'll look back and realise that it was all most likely meant to be, but you did you darn hardest to make it happen and that effort and fight is eternal. You can always hold you head up high and say I did my best. Enjoy the ride pal, I know it hurts and things may feel impossible at times, but the personal journey you're undergoing and the person that you will be at the end will make it all worth it.
     
  17. Yes, @ParvusSapentia. Be patient and think ahead, always a step or two ahead of her. For the sake of the kids don't make any rush decisions. Always let them know they are loved no matter what. And never say anything bad about your wife to them, especially when they are young. Show them who's the good guy with love and actions you do for them, with the time you spend with them, with the hugs and kisses, never with words. They will feel it. When young, they need both parents, no matter how narcissistic (sorry, your wife sounds a bit like that). When they grow up, they will make up their own mind based on experience.

    I wish you success in your recovery, and despite the horribleness of your circumstances, you're doing great! 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, lifetime!!!

    Please, come vent here whenever. It helps :)
     
  18. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    I've read through some of this thread, and it makes me so sad :( I'm not sure I really have any advice, but I just wanted to say I feel for you, man. The only advice I could give, and I'm not sure if it's already been given or not, is marriage counseling. I know that's such a hard thing to begin, and both of you have to be on board, but I noticed in a lot of what you said that you want her to hear you, and that she isn't understanding you and your heart. It seems like a lot of miscommunication, and couples therapy can really really help with that. Having an objective third party who can help explain your thoughts and feelings to her in a way that she hasn't been able to understand before, and vice versa, could be really beneficial if she's willing to give it a chance.


    Anyway, if you still have any desire to make things work, that's what I would suggest. Just like we come on these forums to ask for a third party, objective perspective on a situation, marriage therapy can work the same way. But of course it's only effective if she agrees to be involved, and it sounds like she might just be done. :/ unfortunately nothing you can do at that point. But I wish you the best <3 so sorry you're going through such a rough time!
     
  19. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

    198
    393
    63
    Thanks for the positive words! That is absolutely what I'm doing - focusing on my kisa and myself, I'm also trying to keep positive towards my 'roommate', but that is a whole different struggle. I'll never let them hear me say a bad word about their mom, who I honestly think may be bipolar or something... though according to her it's just being married to me.

    Being a dad means everything to me, and realistically only way to keep my two loves above the poverty line and with me every day is for me to just deal with the current situation... monk mode is not fun, but worth it if it means they are protected. While she may be out playing the field I don't think that's a healthy life for me... so I'll put myself on hold to a certain extent. Not waiting to be happy, but definitely not expecting anything anymore from my wife.

    Kids are 7 and 10, so a few years from now may be a better time to split... Until then all I can do is keep on the path towards being who I want. I will keep trying to suggest getting us into therapy, but it's somewhat pointless to try to reconcile with someone who is not in touch with reality.
     
  20. snappedouttafap

    snappedouttafap Fapstronaut

    71
    28
    18
    How's things going for you now, pal?
     

Share This Page