Here we are again. Trying again... Seems like I do this quite often and never get very far. Typically I can go about 2-3 days and then I just give up. I installed covenant eyes on all of my devices and it does exactly what it's designed to do - I've actually gone almost an entire month since I've looked at porn. Except my brain is devious and gets the same satisfaction off of instagram - unfortunately covenant eyes doesn't block instagram. Instagram is full of women who might not be allowed to show their full body naked, but they sure do try. So I un-installed instagram, but how long till I decide just to reinstall it. I'm very depressed these days, and I feel like my girlfriend is going to break up with me. I am a 44 year old man who has no friends, I work a lot because I own my own business and I feel like I'm constantly there for everyone around me, but very few are there for me. When I look at porn, all those feelings go away. In fact, when I surf instagram at work, I can handle all of the stress that work brings. I even feel like I actually think better, where as when I'm trying to quit, I'm always in this fog, and feel even more depressed. Here's the thing, I know it's all tied together. I know that my addiction, makes me depressed, I know that because I'm depressed I'm more emotional and that is putting a wedge between my girlfriend and I. I know that because of my addiction, for years I've gotten an artificial emotional connection with pictures that I should be building with other people. I hate myself almost all the time, and it all relates to that I'm addicted. The worst part of it all, is that I have a numbness to God. It feels like the harder I try, the further God feels. The harder I try, the more people expect me to be perfect. I feel like I'll never win. I feel like trying isn't even worth it anymore, even though I know these things. Would you please pray for me.
I have been, and still am sometimes, at the same place as you, when it comes to seeking sexual impulses from IG. For me, the advantage of it was that it didn't feel as bad as porn, however this was simultaneously the largest disadvantage, as it kept me at the same spot. In order to be free we need to break with any form of seeking sexual thrills on the internet, as it will draw us back to that dark place. I don't have a clearcut for your other problems, but in my experience whenever I put God first in my life my days are much brighter in colour. The problems are often still there, but they take up much less room in my head. This is so, because I put God in the place where my problems used to be. How one put God first in his/her life depends on the type of worship with which you feel closest to God. Speaking for myself, I feel as if I am putting God first in my life when I wake up each day a little bit earlier to spend some time in prayer and do some bible reading. After lunch I try to meditate on a psalm. And after dinner I read some more bible and pray. When I don't know what to pray for I use a liturgical prayer. In case you are already doing these things but still feel distant from God, try something else. Listen to christian music, memorize a bible verse or listen to a christian podcast. I am praying for you brother. He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8
Our stories are not so different. I can relate to a lot of what you say. We become what we focus on and whatever we focus on only grows bigger. So we must be careful what we give our attention to. You are right: You have fostered artificial connection in lieu of genuine, and genuine connection has suffered as a result. If you'd like to consider using something like Accountable2You as a way to stay off of IG and other unhelpful sites, I'd be happy to work with you as an AP. At the end of the day, it is our hearts that must change. We must learn to love something better than lies and illusion. A better life awaits you. It is up to you to decide if you will step into it. I am praying for you and cheering you on.
I was trapped in this loop for nearly 50 years. Like you, I vowed to quit more times than I could count and like you, work was my primary focus for many years. Fortunately, almost three years ago, I hit rock bottom. Although deeply ashamed of myself, I asked God, once more, to reach down and pull me out of the cesspit I had dug for myself and mercifully He did with grace and some insight. He led me to see that every serious attempt I made at quitting failed with two invariable mistakes. (1) I attempted to fulfill my vow to daily prayer with praying by rote instead of taking the time to tell Him what was in my heart (2) Facilitated by the first mistake, I let my eyes linger on tempting women and tempting pictures which led my thoughts to PMO. As the years rolled by, PMO was often spurred by a desire to procrastinate before commencing some work related task. The healing process begins with prayer from your heart. Praying the psalms or reading the gospel are great things to do and I encourage it but unless you are deeply connected to what is written there, these things won't be enough. Every morning begin your day with a self composed prayer using the formula - A.C.T.S. Admiration, Contrition, Thanks, Supplication. The order is important, don't skip to Supplication first. One primary point of this is to get to know God and appreciate all that He does for us. There are more important points but this is the primary one. If I can help you, feel free to create a conversation with me.
