Road to freedom update !

Yes and yes, that’s true. I will right now. Well, I don’t want to miss anything. Yep. Yes and for sure. Yes I was. Yes, that is true.

okay and yes, I should do that.

 

Half a day, sep 24th complete: today was still crazy. I still touched the phone a lot today. I tried to stay away from P-subs, but they kept coming back. I saw images, I read stuff and tried not to look at sex.


Before I even start, you might miss this. I thought about going on a 3 month fast from all devices, (except for my computer because I have collage to do). What do you think of this ? The idea came from someone who said I should go on a 3 day, 72 hour device fast. I thought about doing way more than that.


Here’s the end of the day report:


Half a day, sep 24th complete: today was still crazy. I still touched my phone a lot. I tried to stay away from P-subs, but they kept coming back. Don’t think i P’d or MO or OM’d. If I did P, it wasn’t on purpose. Although the P-subs, ads ECT were just annoying me. No matter how hard or little I tried, it always found me. It was ridiculous. i read things and turning myself on. Lust was killing me. Lusting after my sister and sometimes my mom. I saw images, I read and looked on sex. No Disney movies as I deleted the Disney+ app. Lusting was a huge problem for me today. Again, I don’t think MO’d and OM’d. I had O at times. I still have the Bible app and wiki how deleted. I’m continuing to briefly download the bible app to give my best friend the verse of the day, then I delete it again. There was NFL Thursday Night Football. I made rules though, I’m only allowed to use these apps for useful things. Otherwise, I’m not allowed to download the apps. When i was at the hill looking at the view and creation God gave us, I didn’t talk to the trinity about sex and marriage that much at all. But for some reason it’s easy to do anything related to sex and marriage. I also replied to some people on nofap throughout the day. I was on nofap several times today. Again, I was wondering if what I did today requires a setback, reset, relapse ECT ?


Someone asked me what the word, “caution”, is for. For those who don’t know, me and my best friend thought that the word, “caution”, would be more appropriate than saying the words, “d*ck, and, “peinuis”. No sexualized dream. Thoughts were killing me. I did have triggers, but surprisingly never acted on them once at all, but I kinda was. It was terrible avoiding sexual things, including P-subs. But at times, it seems like I’m always bombarded by sexual things. I deleted YouTube because it was giving me access to unwanted P-subs. after doing this, i haven’t looked at P-subs in YouTube. I also deleted the Bible app and the wiki how because of the same thing. I deleted movies anywhere, Netflix and amazon prime. I also deleted a bunch of games that I haven’t played in forever. I deleted the Disney+ app and got rid of thousands of Trump emails and also other emails that could have been triggering and tempting for me. Anyway, Someone basically told me off. Actually thank you for doing that and waking me up, I feel like I needed that for sure. I watched NFL Thursday Night Football. No Disney movies. P-subs at times throughout the day. But I’m still having a hard time at not lusting. it was hard not to lust at times. It’s so hard to control and I just go straight to lusting without thinking twice. It’s annoying. I tried not to lust, but I was unsuccessful at times. I need help from others on how to control lust. Unfortunately, I lust after any girl or woman I see potentially and also men as well. When I say lust is an issue, I mean lust is a massive problem. It’s so very easy to lust at any humans and imagine and think about what they can do sexually and what they can for me. I fantasize about my future wife sometimes and really every girl or woman I see. Oing is also still an issue. When I say it’s an issue, it’s a massive problem. Many times when it starts, it doesn’t stop for a while. I had multiple Os without Ming. I did have Os at times throughout the day. Here’s something to add again. Thoughts are uncontrollable at times. But it was terrible today, especially for the lusting thoughts. Usually Many times I just give in without thinking once or twice. There are times when I would find truth in the Bible and something that speaks to me. But it works for a short time, then the enemy always finds a way to remove that truth and drag me back into the same sin. But now I’m praying and still praying that the trinity and the angels would guard me from losing truth and things that spoke to me in the Bible. it’s definitely helping and working. Back to what I learned several weeks ago now, it’s been a while now. My resistance is still weak because I’ve given in for so long. But it’s definitely getting better. It’s actually getting way stronger. i want to and will continue to pray that God will help me make my resistance to PMO and every sexual sin better. I know someone told me that the Holy Spirit doesn’t need backing up. I personally think it does because i now know how I work. Sometimes I easily give in to temptation and not listen or obey the spirit, that’s why I’m continuing to request backup to the Holy Spirit. So I will continue to request for backup to the Holy Spirit and ask God to command his angels to guard me and help me, along with Gabriel and Michael. I know I’ve posted about wanting love, but I’m gonna continue to trust, have faith and believe in the trinity to send me the girl or woman he wants me to be with. It takes one day at a time. I know in some posts I’ve complained way too much. I apologize for that. Everyone has been encouraging me, telling me truth, giving me amazing and great advice and also praying for me. I’m so thankful for that and I really appreciate it. This battle is hard and difficult at times. But as people have said, I will overcome this. It takes time though and I understand 100%. I thank you all so much and I love and really appreciate everyone. You all keep it up and don’t stop and give up. Keep fighting. Keep fighting the good fight. God Bless you all. Today was absolutely freakin insane. This morning, I went on nofap. When I got up, I did not do the song I usually do in the morning. Then I read my Bible and prayed. When I read my Bible several weeks ago now, The Holy Spirit taught me about unconditional love When it comes to Marriage and sex.


This is what I told my best friend:


“Well, basically about love. Unconditional love. He brought me back to, (my ex crush), and what you said was absolutely right. I was obsessed with her and wasn't loving her unconditionally. I hate to say it but I feel that's true. He also taught me about the love in marriage. If you've read the verses in epheines. There's a part that says that a wife must respect her husband and I said that because of all the crap I've been through in my life and all the sexual sin I've had, there's absolutely no way that I deserve to be respected by any woman, let alone the trinity themselves. Also if you've read 1 Corinthians 7. There is a part there that says a woman should give her husband all that he should have has his wife. I also said that I absolutely do not deserve to get anything from the wife I marry. I especially don’t deserve her body. The fact that a woman would unconditionally give herself including her body to someone like me is so freakin amazing. Also the classic verse from Geneses about a husband and wife coming together, the Holy Spirit helped me to see how beautiful that verse is. It's amazing that the God who has kept me from suicide and basically turned me into a totally different person and even created me, would create something so beautiful as love and marriage is. I started getting emotional because of all this. I want to love someone unconditionally. I told God, "If you bring my ex crush back into my life, great. If you bring someone else into my life, that's also great. But I want to love them unconditionally. But I'm not gonna talk or think about my ex crush. I don’t deserve any of this unconditional love from the trinity or a wife. What I do deserve is to be homeless, in a box, on the street, in rugged clothes and dirty as all get out, begging for money. That’s what I deserve. I don’t deserve a this unconditional love from the trinity. I don’t deserve a girl or woman. I don’t deserve a wife. I definitely don’t deserve her body at all. I deserve absolutely none of this at all”, (Forgot to add the last part).


Then I went outside and drove myself around in the ATV. I also drove my nephew around. Later he left and I drove myself around again, I did all that for a while. Later, I came in and took a shower. Then I came downstairs and basically warmed up for NFL Thursday Night Football. Sometime during the warm up, my sister, nephew, mom and me went to get the mail in the ATV. Later, after NFL Thursday Night Football had started and was going on, I went downstairs to workout. I watched NFL Thursday Night Football. Again I did not go to the rock to kneel and pray today as there is again smoke in the area from the wildfires. But to let you know, I’m doing this as an example for others to do. It’s the same as when Christ was in the garden before his arrest and all. After my workout, I came upstairs and talked to my mom for a little bit. Then I went upstairs and got ready for bed. I wanted to do collage, but i never got to it. I was gonna wrote this message when I got in bed, but I was exhausted, so I started and finished this message the next morning.


That’s what happened on that day.

 

Both confession and Back to 0 days: I had a wet dream last night. Earlier this morning, I almost MO’d and OM’d so I have a confession for that. Later this morning, I originally didn't want to. But I went and deactivated my accountability software I have, went, looked it up real quick, but I put the accountability software back on. Then Masturbated. Then I had an orgasm and masturbated more. I PMO’d. Back to square one. I don’t think I’m doing the 1 week or the 3 days, those won’t be enough. I’m probably gonna end up doing the 3 month thing.