Sad troll

In social situations, the fact that I have no friends makes me needy. Not solely around girls, it makes me needy around everyone in general. I can get very paranoid quite easily, I'm susceptible to blackmail and I can be a massive people-pleaser. I've noticed that friends only come around if there's something for them. This is why I end up being a kiss-ass, I'm afraid of being completely alone.

When I'm completely alone I don't feel happy. I have regrets of what I could have or should have done. This usually revolves around girls or people in general. I can keep myself busy easily, the thoughts keep coming back.

I know that I'm different and try to act in a different way. This includes personality tests. I look up charismatic MBTI types, I find ENTPs in the results, ergo I try to emulate them. I will go into social situations trying to, at least once, say something they would say. I go in with a script. I am thirsty for other peoples' validation.

I occasionally offend others, most of the time I come across as being nothing more than annoying. Because I really have nothing to say, I can jump from person to person telling unfunny jokes consecutively. Then I get hit by this sudden wave of sadness. It's because:
A. I wasn't being myself
B. I felt as though the conversation lacked meaning

I jump straight into things and ignore the small talk. I am shameless. I can walk up to random strangers and begin to act crazy. Even if there is a sense of control in the environment (which I adhere to), I will still be very expressive in the faces I pull and the voices that I convey. It's all done for attention.

When I'm alone at night I start to feel hopeless sometimes. I then start thinking, from my relationships with others, about my future. I think about all the decisions I could have made instead of the ones that I did make. I don't think about improving my life beyond what I'm already doing or have done. Even if I did, I wouldn't fully appreciate it. I never actually feel grateful for anything I've done or that other people do for me. I feel stuck in life.

Eventually the thoughts pile up into a relapse. It usually takes 2-3 relapses before I get onto a streak that can last anywhere from a day to about 25 days. Even if I go longer than that (longest being 42 days), I still have thoughts and obviously, relapse. I have to learn how to deal with this. Not by being the 'funny guy', by being a man.

I should also note about trolling. I troll people because I get bored easily and it's a quick outlet or release. 90% of the websites I go on have P on them. Some of them are practically online brothels. I troll on there, get bored, then jack off to the comments. Being inauthentic doesn't give me happiness. I do it to fit in, but I'm only putting myself into a box. It's the same few tricks too: I say my signature 'lines' to sound quirky and intelligent, I make puns out of peoples names, I sometimes repeat them and sometimes make puns out of what other people are saying. It's terrible.

One guy said that I'm the type of guy who girls would deliberately speak to other men in the chatroom because I'm so unsexy. Of course, I didn't come there to roleplay at the time, it did strike me as true when I compare it to situations in real life.