Shame and moving on

C

Circles and circles

New Fapstronaut
Does anyone have any insight in moving on from shame from your addiction? I'm on my fourth day which I know is still very early, but it’s been a heavy, emotional week. Gf of 3 years and I split up and, of course, porn was a factor even though it was never directly said. So I’ve tried use this very sad event to quit. Very small background - addicted to porn and using it as a emotion blocker for 13/14 years. 27 years old.

Inside my head I get thoughts like:

“She broke up with you, obviously you made her unhappy, why do you get to develop from this?”

“You don’t deserve happiness”

“Oh you can quit now, so I guess you weren’t really addicted. Why couldn’t you do it for her?”

And then of course the classic just generally disliking yourself that go round your head like a broken record.
 
When you decide to quit porn, you acknowledge there is something in your behavior that you don't like. It's okay to feel that, a good motivation to change. Maybe it helps if you write down for yourself (or here) what you feel shame about. And then, after putting it all out, say goodbye to it, and focus on your new life without porn. I'm sure the shame will disappear once you get into the routine of living without porn. You will feel better about yourself.
 
I started reading 12 steps which was aimed primarily at alcoholics. But it can be applied to many addictions. First step is admitting you are powerless and have no control over your addiction. It’s pretty much admitting you’ve hit rock bottom but then you build from there. The 12 steps helps you deal with aspects like shame. I go to support groups and it’s been helpful dealing with it.
 
Watch the TED talk by Brene Brown or read some of her material (blog, books). It's super helpful to get a handle on how much shame you're dealing with and how to be resilient to it. Shame is the main trigger for me towards porn and I didn't understand how much shame I was carrying until just a few years ago. Yikes.

Also, the double standard method from the book Feeling Great by David Burns is super helpful for squashing negative thoughts about yourself.
 
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