Should I confront my boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by worried girlfriend, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. worried girlfriend

    worried girlfriend New Fapstronaut

    I am new here and found this forum after hours of searching the internet in the attempt to understand my boyfriends addiction, dishonesty and behavior. I will describe the situation and problems and would greatly appreciate any feedback.
    I have been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, he is 47, I am 31 and after dating for 4 months I had to move back to Ukraine. Going into the relationship I knew he was a sober alcoholic and he goes to meetings almost daily for the past 12 years as well as being depressed and on antidepressants.
    Shortly before moving back I found his journal and while I know I should not have read it, I did. Through reading his journal i found out that he was not only addicted to alcohol, but also to porn, sex and escorts. This explained some of his behavior and also explained the reason for his DE or rather not ejaculating at all during sex (he specifically wrote that he has a porn addiction and it is the only way he can cum). He cheated on all his past girlfriends and has slipped in his sobriety, though he has also kept his relapses and his troubling sexual behavior (prostitutes etc.) from his sponsor. At this point I did not say anything because I did not want him to find out that I went through his personal things.
    After spending 2 months in Ukraine, I returned to visit him for 3 months and worrying about his activities while I was gone I went through his email, internet history, text messages, IG etc. my suspicions were confirmed that he was watching porn, sent messages to prostitutes, met with at least 2 of them, looks at escorts and other women on IG constantly. While I was there he was communicating with some trans girls about seeing them once I have left. He also kept looking up porn girls, prostitutes etc. while I was there. He claims he has not had a drink in many years, but I know from his journals etc. that it isn’t true. He wrote about wanting to stop PMO, all the bad behavior with women and the cheating and lying in general in his journal and I believe that, but he is clearly not doing a good job at it. We do have sex every or every other day when we are together, but the DE is somewhat of a problem and I generally have a stronger sex drive than him, but maybe it is because of all his other behavior that he doesn’t want it more often.
    I am conflicted about confronting him as I should not have snooped. I am also worried that this whole relationship can not work and makes no sense with his many problems. I am moving to Canada in 2 months and we are talking about him moving there too in the next 6 months so we can be together and start a family. I am confused because I trust his feelings for me but what if he can never change? I am not hurt by his behavior as I know It has nothing to do with his emotions or feelings for me but I am angry about his lies and find myself doubting his honesty regarding other things. How can I trust him when he is lying to me? And should I try to confront him even though he might just hide his activities better, but might not change and then I won’t be able to control his behavior? I have tried to condense the information, so as not to make this too long, so hopefully this makes sense :)
    Thanks for any thoughts or recommendations!!
    Nugget9 likes this.
  2. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    This is a big one, @worried girlfriend . There are several aspects at play here.

    Before you read any further, I have to say, sorry, but there is only one solution to this.
    • He has lied to you, and continues to lie to you. This is a clear indication that he is nowhere close enough to giving up his addiction.
    • He hasn't even admitted it to you. Again, a clear indication that he is still in full addiction and denial.
    • He has cheated on you, continues to cheat on you, and has no intention of being faithful. Again, a clear indication.
    • His lies have led to you doing something that goes against your own ethics: snooping. (It's not your fault, I must emphasise. It's his fault.)
    • This will not stop until he admits his problem in full; commits to fixing it in full; and gets therapy that is successful. It could go on for many years like this.
    Ask yourself some hard questions.
    • "Do I want to live with, and trust, a man like this?"
    • "Do I want a man like this to father my children?"
    • "Do I want this man to be my children's father and role model?"
    • "Am I prepared to live with these lies and this cheating for many years to come?"
    • "Do I enjoy being treated this way, and to have such dissatisfying sex?"
    • "Do I want to continue to violate my own ethics and feel that I have to keep snooping, keep being suspicious, for many years to come?"
    If even one of these answers is "no", you need to move on.

    There's no point in confronting him. As an addict (to both a drug — alcohol — and to porn), he will not respond positively. You would be faced with strong emotions. My guess is denial, anger, criticism, whatever. I could be wrong; perhaps he will be contrite and ask for forgiveness. But just as with a heroin addict, I cannot for a moment believe that, in his current state, any promises will be genuine. They are genuine only once he has actually stopped both addictions and truly committed to full honesty and full commitment. That isn't going to happen soon.

    Instead, I would calmly say to him, "I am aware that you are continuing with your porn and alcohol addictions, and that you are cheating on me while I'm away in Ukraine. I cannot continue a relationship like this. I'm sorry, but I have to move on."

    And that's it. No arguing. No accepting any false promises. This isn't a discussion, and it's not open to negotiation. This is what you are doing. End of story.

    If you have any worry whatsoever that he might become abusive, do this in a public place, e.g. in a coffee shop, and be prepared to walk away and never see him again.

    I'll say that again: Be prepared to walk away and never see him again. That's important, because if you see him again, he might convince you to try again — I don't know if he's a gaslighter, but the signs are that he is, and you will never win against one (I know from personal experience).

    You need to be strong, girl, and you have my full sympathies.

    You will cry.
    You will feel awful for a while.
    Then, you will begin to heal.
    After you've started to heal, you'll thank God or fate or whatever you believe in that you left him.
    And I believe that you will find a better man.

    I wish you luck.

    Post here again if you need support.
  3. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

    Definitely problems on the horizon, possibly for your as-yet unborn kids, too.
    Give home the opportunity to change but also accept that maybe he will not. You probably have a lot going for you, so remember that you have only been together 9 months and this may not be the right man.
    Nugget9 and anewhope like this.
  4. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    Maybe try confronting him about the DE and see if he will speak openly about it and maybe more? Be supportive and genuinely wanting to help him. But if he does not come out with the truth then I would probably leave him, he will just cause you serious sorrow in the future and he won't learn anything unless he hits a low of losing you.
    Nugget9, anewhope and SirErnest like this.
  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    What would you tell
    another female friend said this
    About their bf?

    STDs? Is he really your friend?

    Read the journals in the SO group here. You will see what the prognosis is going forward.

    Confronting is good
    as is moving on,
    Getting informed
    and understanding
    is best.
    Nugget9, anewhope and Dyka like this.
  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    You need to talk with him. You can ask him questions and try to get the truth from him. But this needs to come out into the open. Also you need to get yourself checked for STD's if he is physically cheating. It may have been wrong to snoop but he is putting your health and life at risk with his behaviors.
    I will say that you are early in your relationship and you really need to think about if this is something you are willing or able to deal with for the rest of your relationship with him. I've been with my BF for 16 years and if I would have know what I was in for I think I would have left when this first started. It is hard to say that. It hasn't all been bad, but it is hard and is painful. The lies and doubting is a killer. I can not stress enough do not move in together until this is out in the open and he is working on recovery. Living together will not make the PA/SA lessen or go away.
    Nugget9, EyesWideOpen and Trappist like this.
  7. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

  8. RollerCoaster

    RollerCoaster Fapstronaut

  9. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    You didn't answer "why" to my original post. What did I say wrong in my first post?
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    I have two words for you. Walk away.

    You have not been in this relationship long. You are separated by literal countries. He is an active addict, lying to you from the very beginning of your relationship. He has no regard for your well being, emotionally or physically. If he is meeting up with escorts, prostitutes, and transsexuals, he is putting his, and your health at risk.

    You will not be able to help him and support him with the distance between you, and based on the extent of his addiction, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment.

    My best suggestion is to run as fast as you can and never look back. You deserve better.
  11. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

    You give the most amazing advice.

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