Should I confront my boyfriend?

W

worried girlfriend

New Fapstronaut
I am new here and found this forum after hours of searching the internet in the attempt to understand my boyfriends addiction, dishonesty and behavior. I will describe the situation and problems and would greatly appreciate any feedback.
I have been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, he is 47, I am 31 and after dating for 4 months I had to move back to Ukraine. Going into the relationship I knew he was a sober alcoholic and he goes to meetings almost daily for the past 12 years as well as being depressed and on antidepressants.
Shortly before moving back I found his journal and while I know I should not have read it, I did. Through reading his journal i found out that he was not only addicted to alcohol, but also to porn, sex and escorts. This explained some of his behavior and also explained the reason for his DE or rather not ejaculating at all during sex (he specifically wrote that he has a porn addiction and it is the only way he can cum). He cheated on all his past girlfriends and has slipped in his sobriety, though he has also kept his relapses and his troubling sexual behavior (prostitutes etc.) from his sponsor. At this point I did not say anything because I did not want him to find out that I went through his personal things.
After spending 2 months in Ukraine, I returned to visit him for 3 months and worrying about his activities while I was gone I went through his email, internet history, text messages, IG etc. my suspicions were confirmed that he was watching porn, sent messages to prostitutes, met with at least 2 of them, looks at escorts and other women on IG constantly. While I was there he was communicating with some trans girls about seeing them once I have left. He also kept looking up porn girls, prostitutes etc. while I was there. He claims he has not had a drink in many years, but I know from his journals etc. that it isn’t true. He wrote about wanting to stop PMO, all the bad behavior with women and the cheating and lying in general in his journal and I believe that, but he is clearly not doing a good job at it. We do have sex every or every other day when we are together, but the DE is somewhat of a problem and I generally have a stronger sex drive than him, but maybe it is because of all his other behavior that he doesn’t want it more often.
I am conflicted about confronting him as I should not have snooped. I am also worried that this whole relationship can not work and makes no sense with his many problems. I am moving to Canada in 2 months and we are talking about him moving there too in the next 6 months so we can be together and start a family. I am confused because I trust his feelings for me but what if he can never change? I am not hurt by his behavior as I know It has nothing to do with his emotions or feelings for me but I am angry about his lies and find myself doubting his honesty regarding other things. How can I trust him when he is lying to me? And should I try to confront him even though he might just hide his activities better, but might not change and then I won’t be able to control his behavior? I have tried to condense the information, so as not to make this too long, so hopefully this makes sense :)
Thanks for any thoughts or recommendations!!
 
This is a big one, @worried girlfriend . There are several aspects at play here.

Before you read any further, I have to say, sorry, but there is only one solution to this.
  • He has lied to you, and continues to lie to you. This is a clear indication that he is nowhere close enough to giving up his addiction.
  • He hasn't even admitted it to you. Again, a clear indication that he is still in full addiction and denial.
  • He has cheated on you, continues to cheat on you, and has no intention of being faithful. Again, a clear indication.
  • His lies have led to you doing something that goes against your own ethics: snooping. (It's not your fault, I must emphasise. It's his fault.)
  • This will not stop until he admits his problem in full; commits to fixing it in full; and gets therapy that is successful. It could go on for many years like this.
Ask yourself some hard questions.
  • "Do I want to live with, and trust, a man like this?"
  • "Do I want a man like this to father my children?"
  • "Do I want this man to be my children's father and role model?"
  • "Am I prepared to live with these lies and this cheating for many years to come?"
  • "Do I enjoy being treated this way, and to have such dissatisfying sex?"
  • "Do I want to continue to violate my own ethics and feel that I have to keep snooping, keep being suspicious, for many years to come?"
If even one of these answers is "no", you need to move on.

There's no point in confronting him. As an addict (to both a drug — alcohol — and to porn), he will not respond positively. You would be faced with strong emotions. My guess is denial, anger, criticism, whatever. I could be wrong; perhaps he will be contrite and ask for forgiveness. But just as with a heroin addict, I cannot for a moment believe that, in his current state, any promises will be genuine. They are genuine only once he has actually stopped both addictions and truly committed to full honesty and full commitment. That isn't going to happen soon.

Instead, I would calmly say to him, "I am aware that you are continuing with your porn and alcohol addictions, and that you are cheating on me while I'm away in Ukraine. I cannot continue a relationship like this. I'm sorry, but I have to move on."

And that's it. No arguing. No accepting any false promises. This isn't a discussion, and it's not open to negotiation. This is what you are doing. End of story.

If you have any worry whatsoever that he might become abusive, do this in a public place, e.g. in a coffee shop, and be prepared to walk away and never see him again.

I'll say that again: Be prepared to walk away and never see him again. That's important, because if you see him again, he might convince you to try again — I don't know if he's a gaslighter, but the signs are that he is, and you will never win against one (I know from personal experience).

You need to be strong, girl, and you have my full sympathies.

You will cry.
You will feel awful for a while.
Then, you will begin to heal.
After you've started to heal, you'll thank God or fate or whatever you believe in that you left him.
And I believe that you will find a better man.

I wish you luck.

Post here again if you need support.
 
worried girlfriend said:
I am new here and found this forum after hours of searching the internet in the attempt to understand my boyfriends addiction, dishonesty and behavior. I will describe the situation and problems and would greatly appreciate any feedback.
I have been with my boyfriend for only 9 months, he is 47, I am 31 and after dating for 4 months I had to move back to Ukraine. Going into the relationship I knew he was a sober alcoholic and he goes to meetings almost daily for the past 12 years as well as being depressed and on antidepressants.
Shortly before moving back I found his journal and while I know I should not have read it, I did. Through reading his journal i found out that he was not only addicted to alcohol, but also to porn, sex and escorts. This explained some of his behavior and also explained the reason for his DE or rather not ejaculating at all during sex (he specifically wrote that he has a porn addiction and it is the only way he can cum). He cheated on all his past girlfriends and has slipped in his sobriety, though he has also kept his relapses and his troubling sexual behavior (prostitutes etc.) from his sponsor. At this point I did not say anything because I did not want him to find out that I went through his personal things.
After spending 2 months in Ukraine, I returned to visit him for 3 months and worrying about his activities while I was gone I went through his email, internet history, text messages, IG etc. my suspicions were confirmed that he was watching porn, sent messages to prostitutes, met with at least 2 of them, looks at escorts and other women on IG constantly. While I was there he was communicating with some trans girls about seeing them once I have left. He also kept looking up porn girls, prostitutes etc. while I was there. He claims he has not had a drink in many years, but I know from his journals etc. that it isn’t true. He wrote about wanting to stop PMO, all the bad behavior with women and the cheating and lying in general in his journal and I believe that, but he is clearly not doing a good job at it. We do have sex every or every other day when we are together, but the DE is somewhat of a problem and I generally have a stronger sex drive than him, but maybe it is because of all his other behavior that he doesn’t want it more often.
I am conflicted about confronting him as I should not have snooped. I am also worried that this whole relationship can not work and makes no sense with his many problems. I am moving to Canada in 2 months and we are talking about him moving there too in the next 6 months so we can be together and start a family. I am confused because I trust his feelings for me but what if he can never change? I am not hurt by his behavior as I know It has nothing to do with his emotions or feelings for me but I am angry about his lies and find myself doubting his honesty regarding other things. How can I trust him when he is lying to me? And should I try to confront him even though he might just hide his activities better, but might not change and then I won’t be able to control his behavior? I have tried to condense the information, so as not to make this too long, so hopefully this makes sense :)
Thanks for any thoughts or recommendations!!
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Definitely problems on the horizon, possibly for your as-yet unborn kids, too.
Give home the opportunity to change but also accept that maybe he will not. You probably have a lot going for you, so remember that you have only been together 9 months and this may not be the right man.
 
Maybe try confronting him about the DE and see if he will speak openly about it and maybe more? Be supportive and genuinely wanting to help him. But if he does not come out with the truth then I would probably leave him, he will just cause you serious sorrow in the future and he won't learn anything unless he hits a low of losing you.
 
You need to talk with him. You can ask him questions and try to get the truth from him. But this needs to come out into the open. Also you need to get yourself checked for STD's if he is physically cheating. It may have been wrong to snoop but he is putting your health and life at risk with his behaviors.
I will say that you are early in your relationship and you really need to think about if this is something you are willing or able to deal with for the rest of your relationship with him. I've been with my BF for 16 years and if I would have know what I was in for I think I would have left when this first started. It is hard to say that. It hasn't all been bad, but it is hard and is painful. The lies and doubting is a killer. I can not stress enough do not move in together until this is out in the open and he is working on recovery. Living together will not make the PA/SA lessen or go away.
 
GhostWriter said:
A) She has only 9 months invested in the relationship
B) The entire relationship is built upon a lie
C) A very dangerous to her health lie
D) There is so much underlying shit to work through, as little time as she has invested, and I don't take this recommendation lightly at all, she needs to cut her losses and move on, and he needs her to cut her losses and move on. Call it a healthy dose of reality and an incredible wake up call. He needs a "Rock Bottom" moment.
E) He's 47. She's 31. He has spent a lifetime of patronizing and manipulating people. It's going to be most difficult to compete with that.
F) His DE is as significant as a gnat on a dinosaur's ass with respect to everything else going on in the relationship.
G) This is one of only a hand full of situations I'd advise a person to walk away from.
H) I'll bet you a $100 to a dime with a hole in it, if/when she does confront him, he'll initially lie his ass off. He will perceive it as "there is no way in hell she could possibly know", yet unbeknownst to him, she has seen his journal. Ironically, people just don't write shit in their own private journal that isn't true. What'd be the point? Lying to yourself?

There is just too many cons to any pro there may be to continue in this relationship. Of course, she can do whatever she wants. That's my advice, and it is also consistent with others. If she had years vested and finances and children, etc., I'd give consideration to a very different approach. Not this time.
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You didn't answer "why" to my original post. What did I say wrong in my first post?
 
I have two words for you. Walk away.

You have not been in this relationship long. You are separated by literal countries. He is an active addict, lying to you from the very beginning of your relationship. He has no regard for your well being, emotionally or physically. If he is meeting up with escorts, prostitutes, and transsexuals, he is putting his, and your health at risk.

You will not be able to help him and support him with the distance between you, and based on the extent of his addiction, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment.

My best suggestion is to run as fast as you can and never look back. You deserve better.
 
GhostWriter said:
Welcome @worried girlfriend,

I would like to say I am glad that you are here, but not really. When you show up here, things are already a huge mess. With that in mind...

This is quite a story. You should be ashamed of yourself for reading his journal. Do you say that to yourself? DON'T! If there were driving forces (i.e. "gut instincts", "women's intuition", "sixth sense"), you'd never have considered reading it would you? So please, do not beat yourself up or feel the least bit of shame for reading it.

I don't know if @Mordobarn was reading my mind when he wrote this, but I couldn't have articulated it any better. He's right ya know. There's only one component missing that I will get to later. You should very much heed this message.

Ignore this!

And heed this. @Trappist actually brought up what I was going to say is a MUST for you. He is an addict. He has some serious problems and unspoken boundary violations. I say "unspoken boundary violations", because they are "unspoken", and quite frankly, they should be so obvious to the most casual observer, they needn't be spoken. His actions have severely compromised your health. You need to make an appointment with your Gynecologist immediately and discuss with your Doctor his inappropriate sexual conduct, and have a whole battery of tests run, including but not limited to, RPR, Herpes, HIV, etc. An addict has no moral compass no matter how moral the individual addict has projected themselves to be. They are a fraud. Seriously, this has jeopardized your health. That would be the very first thing that I would do.

As for the relationship, and there are very few that I say this for, "END IT"! You have only 9 months of a relationship with he who has betrayed you at every angle of it. Even if you do lead the horse to water, in this case, the likelihood you'll get the horse to drink is almost ZERO. He, through his journal, has demonstrated that his addiction has him so out of control, he can't think clearly enough to rationalize the damage he is causing, not only to himself, but everyone in his life. The best thing you can do for yourself, is to end it. The best thing you can do for him, is to end it. He needs that hard dose of reality.

BTW, when you do end it? I WOULD tell him why I am ending the relationship. I wouldn't negotiate. I wouldn't bargain. I would be explicit and matter of fact, and as was stated above, in a public place so as to prevent you from being subject to any repercussions. And when you end it, end it and be done with it. I assure you, any continued relationship with him is going to be an imminent recipe for disaster. You'll wake up 10 years from now "WTF was I thinking?"

END IT!
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You give the most amazing advice.
 
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