Surreal - my journey as the wife of an addict.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by A new day, Nov 24, 2017.

  1. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    He didn’t know I was awake in bed when he got up and started looking for the t shirt he cleans up with. Digging around in the sheets and on the floor on his side. I knew he was headed to the living room with his phone and headphones. I didn’t go back to sleep. He was out there for an hour. I could hear the sound. I was so embarrassed for him. I was so pissed.

    Then last night he goes to bed early as he does many nights. Which is code for PMO. He came back I few minutes later. He was mad cause the battery on his headphones was dead. I’m thinking why do you need headphones if you are going to sleep. Do I look stupid.

    Every time he’s gone for too long I wonder is he pulled over somewhere doing it again.

    He doesn’t know I think he’s PA with PIED. I’m just standing back observing all these things I’ve blinded myself to. Im educating myself thanks to all of you so I’ll be better prepared for the battle to come.

    Thanks. I just needed to tell someone about these things that seem to be happening like a bad dream.
    NinaP, Kenzi, EyesWideOpen and 2 others like this.
  2. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

    I am really so sorry that you are here. It sounds like your instincts are correct.
    kropo82, anewhope and Deleted Account like this.
  3. @blk45 welcome in this great community!
    This is not a battle!
    It's a war!
    It's a war that your husband has to fight! He needs to know he is in the middle of an addiction and he needs to understand that he MUST win this war in order to stay by your side!
    I'm a porn addict myself fighting to get free from that! I want to tell you that, from my little experience in this war, as my healing is in progress, my wife's trauma healing is in progress, too!
    That addiction left a wound on me, a big scar is taking porn's place. A similar scar is replacing my wife's trauma.
    This is where love comes in, and she loves me with my scar and I love her with hers. The difference is that I caused it on her. So I won't ever stop nursing her! This is a new start for both of us! It was totally her decision if she wanted to stay with me or leave me because of my addiction.
    Since she decided to stay, it is totally our attitude to use my past on porn to built again a new, stronger and a better future for us! It's totally on us to use it in aid of or against us!
    I'm sorry you go through this and I'm wishing you the very best!
  4. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    I’m certain you are right. I’m praying he is willing to fight it.

    Last night as he was headed to bed early again, he asked if I was going to stay up to watch tv. That’s what I’ve been doing to deal with the loneliness. I asked if he was going to sleep. He said he was tired. So I said ok. I could tell he was trying to say something to me and trying to read my feelings. He knows something is up with me. I guess we both are afraid to say something.

    I stayed up for a short time. When I went to bed he woke up and we fooled around for a bit. It felt great to have his attention. After I felt a huge wave of emotion. This is positive since I’ve been clamping them down even before I realized about the addiction etc. I knew he knew that I was sad about how little physical contact we’ve had. I also knew he did it that way because of the PE.

    I’m so hoping he’s willing to be open to what I have to say, willing to accept that it might be the source of our problems, and willing to commit to treatment.

    Ultimately, I think that’s why I haven’t spoken yet. Because I’m afraid he won’t be willing.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. Add my wishes and prayers with yours! Stay positive!
    Most of the time a woman's sense is right, so I can suggest that next time you feel like your husband wants to talk to you, just tell him that! Tell him that you feel like he wants to talk to you about something!
    A new day likes this.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You have a TV in your living room?
    If he has headphones in... Turning the TV on behind him, on full blast is a great way to throw him off.
    People who are thrown off mental balance are angrier but But less likely to lie.
    Just saying...
    That sounds like a good opportunity waiting to happen.
    (to start the conversation)
  7. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    I wish I was that bold. :)
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's time to cowboy up. :)
  9. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut


    Lol. Thanks for giggle. I’m sure that cowboy is in there somewhere.
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yeah... You never know how strong you need to be until strong is all you have left
  11. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

  12. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    Well I’ve danced around the subject quite a bit with him. Never said what I think.

    After reading so many stories of your struggles I’m on the fence wondering if the status quo is good enough. Truth is I never had a problem with his porn use. A few days ago I found out the PIED is a thing which explains our dismal sex life. I wonder if I’d rather accept a sexless marriage than put us through what it’s going to take to recover something closer to what we used to have. I wonder if he’d even be willing. I wonder if it opening this up would ruin what is otherwise a satisfying relationship. I wonder if considering doing that makes me pathetic. I feel so lonely and sad. I’m not alone. But I’m alone in these thoughts. Normally I’d talk to him about anything. This just seems like it could blow up everything. I know that’s my fear talking. I should be braver. I guess we will see.
    anewhope and Deleted Account like this.
  13. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut


    I meant ED not PE.
  14. If we settle for less that’s what we’ll always get. Examine your heart and what you truly want to be happy. Remember good things result from hard work ;) and diamonds are made from high temps & pressure on coal! Do you want your relationship to be just coal or a diamond? :emoji_gem::emoji_ring:
  15. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

    Your vulnerability and honesty is really palpable here. I venture to say that a sexless marriage is no fun and that not just sex is impacted with P use-intimacy and closeness is as well.
    Is there a specific reason that you are concerned to bring it up to your partner (fear of anger? Fear of rejection?). Thinking of you. This is hard work. Like Brene Brown says: We can do hard things.
    A new day and Torn like this.
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    PIED is horrible.
    As a partner of a man who struggles with PIED I will tell you it's not a easy fix.
    It takes true commitment or it does not go away.
    It's two years almost for us and there are still days... Not often, but some... And it does take years to recover from, and only a true commitment can heal because all the little bumps can effect the road.
    It is so trying.
    Wildfire of emotions.
    It's like nothing else when porn use becomes PIED and you are being chosen again and again and he won't for you but he will break his dick for a screen until he but still can't for them to, yet he will force it.
    I know, I truly know it's the long road right now.
    Whatever you are scared of.... Unless it's physically scared of him.... I think it's time to look at your priorities.
    He's already decided his.
    That would be my two cents.
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2017
  17. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    Rhonda Britten says your comfort zone isn’t necessarily all that comfortable but it’s a known evil vs unknown.

    Doing her work I practiced what she called stretch, risk, and die.

    Stretch=knowing you could do something but you don’t for example: Drink more water.

    Risk=not sure you could do something you know you should do.

    Die=rather die than do something.

    The problem here is my husband feels most change of any sort like a die. Even if it’s beneficial. This is not just a change. This is asking him to find a whole new way to live, to cope. Yet I know this discovery has been the same for me. I now have to contemplate an entirely different marriage than what I expected and even without addressing it I am living a much different marriage than I expected.

    We dated for 6 years before he could summon the courage to marry. I think all the coping he’s had to do with the inevitable upheaval of a marriage, step-fatherhood, new baby, new business has driven him deeper into this addictive cycle. I just wonder if he has any energy to spare to go into recovery. Has he been this way for too long? Is his stubbornness too much too take on?

    I wonder if I let it go, knowing I could have helped it, will I regret it down the road. If I tackle it, will it ruin my family with what I expect to be a fight like nothing I’ve ever seen. My husband is kind and generous and gentle. But he will defend his ways. Do I have what it takes to stand for me, for us? I don’t know.
    anewhope likes this.
  18. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    I’ve been through so many damaging relationships in the past. We found each other and it seemed I finally found someone I’d be safe being me around. I grew and blossomed. But this feels like a lie now. I’m not safe being me. Being me is going to involve risking everything again. I just don’t know if I can find the strength to do this. I might have to be a women that doesn’t mind the porn mistress.

    Is it possible that he could love himself, me and our family enough to even open his eyes much less try? I don’t have much faith. Previous experience has taught me not to count on it.
    anewhope, Jennica and Deleted Account like this.
  19. Awe :( I’m sry you’re feeling like this and that you’ve been through so much in the past. Those scars can stay w us forever.
    self healing, Jennica and Kenzi like this.
  20. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi @blk45

    You are wrestling with a dilemma. Do you put up with the current, unsatisfactory situation where your initmacy with your husband, other aspects of your relationship and your self-esteem are all being damaged by his porn habit, or do you confront him to try to get him to change and risk making everything worse? You are actively considering settling for the status-quo, because the alternative might be worse. You look around this site and you can see many instances of the SOs going through pain as their PAs fail to address their problems post D-Day and ask yourself whether you want to exchange what you currently have for that kind of future.

    It may be that in your particular circumstances and with your current mind-set, you have an alternative available to you which wouldn't work for the majority of PA/SO couples but might be worth trying for you.

    In your case, there has been no big D-Day bust up. You have known about your husband's porn use for a long time. While he doesn't announce what he is doing, he is almost certainly aware that you know he PMOs. He will also be aware that you are not making love very often and that he has ED.

    The approach you could take is to take the confrontation out of the issue. If you don't confront or blame, then he won't become defensive and you are more likely to have honest open communication. So you find a time when you are both relaxed and have time to talk, maybe have a glass of wine each:
    • Tell him you love him with all your heart and as you enter middle age you want to strengthen your bond by making love more often. You don't want your sex lives to dwindle the way it can in some marriages. Would he like to have more sex?
    • Tell him that you'd like him to experiment by giving up porn for a while and directing all his sexual energy towards you. Tell him that many couples report that getting porn out of their lives has been the key to a dramatic improvement in their sex lives and you'd like to see if that works for you too.
    • Ask him if he thinks he can abstain from Porn and Masturbation for two months while together you see if it works. Tell him it can be a difficult habit to break and ask him if he thinks he can do it? Tell him that you'd like him to try but if he does try he has to be completely honest and not cheat, otherwise that will invalidate the experiment.
    • Tell him that during the two months you might want to introduce more variety too - breaking old habits, trying new things, more cuddling, more naked time.
    This way your are not blaming him for a problem. You are not even mentioning the PIED (which will be a sensitive topic). You are not asking him to give something up for no tangible gain. You are reinforcing the fact that you love him. You are not making his masturbating and using porn issues of shame - just a habit which is stopping him getting better sex.

    I think it is worth trying this approach. If your husband doesn't go for it, then you should be no worse off than you are in your current dilemma, but if he does then you've a least given yourself the chance of changing your sex life for the better.

    As I said, I wouldn't normally recommend this softly-softly approach, but from what you have said in your other posts, it may be worth considering.

    Good luck

    Last edited: Nov 27, 2017

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