Surreal - my journey as the wife of an addict.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by A new day, Nov 24, 2017.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    *Hugs
     
    self healing and anewhope like this.
  2. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi @blk45

    I am sorry you are going through such pain. Impossible though it seems at present, you have to decide what future you want for yourself and your children. Is there anyone you trust that you can share this with and talk through what you might do? For completely understandable reasons your emotions are all over the place. You may not be in a fit state to make life-altering decisions on your own. Is there someone who you can turn to?

    ANH
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2017
    A new day, Torn and Kenzi like this.
  3. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    This unfit state will pass. It’s a necessary bottoming out. Howling at the moon. I’ve been in denial a long time. I had to let go of hope that I could somehow go on pretending. I know I can’t. Getting ready to put the ball in his court since that’s the next logical step that matches my values.
     
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  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hence... Hugs!
    We all need to let our Crazy out of the bag sometimes :)
     
    A new day and anewhope like this.
  5. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    @blk45 I’m sorry you’re hurting so much right now. I can definitely relate to the pain, hurt, and anger you’re feeling. Do you have someone you can talk to? A trusted friend or a therapist? I know I have benefited from talking over things with both of those as I’ve gone through this process. Thinking of you and sending big, big hugs!
     
    self healing, A new day and anewhope like this.
  6. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I’ve been talking to the Lord and you kind people. It’s enough for right now. I’m thankful to have a place to vent some of this without consequences.
     
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  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    This is a amazing place
     
  8. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I’m feel so many things right now that aren’t uplifting but one thing I do feel is grateful that somehow I always get led to the healing people and places.

    Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened.
     
    TryingHard2Change, anewhope and Torn like this.
  9. jyvais

    jyvais Fapstronaut

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    @blk45 I'm really sorry you are in this mess and sincerely wish that everything is gonna be fine. I always thought my wife didn't know but after reading your thread it's obvious she does but remain silent. I never imagined she could feel this way, I didn't want to hurt her. I love her and I'll stay committed, I can do this. Thanks for telling the way it is
     
  10. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Do try with all your might. God bless you.
     
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm giving you the biggest, tightest cyber hug right now. Let it all pour out. We've all been right here.
     
  12. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    It's true, we do. There is a lot my husband does not know I know. There is just no reason to tell him because it serve no purpose except to make things worse. Just know we know and fix yourselves and your marriages.
     
  13. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    So last night was a continuation of a gut wrenching day.

    One of oldest friends married a recovering drug addict in 2009. They were engaged and nearly had weddings two times before since they met in 2005. She called it off due to reservations about his character in general and potential relapses. Everyone that knew them tried to talk her out of it. But she was just intoxicated by him. She was also desperate for a baby.

    They are on the verge of divorce. She’s in the depths of pain and remorse. They have a 7 year old girl. She didn’t share too much about why. But enough to conclude it’s the addictions and surrounding chaos again.

    She is a classic over functioning codependent reliving her parents’ sicknesses. She knows it. The rear view mirror is kicking her butt. The unknowns are kicking her butt.

    I just hurt for her. I’ve been there with my daughter’s dad. Only I wasn’t in love with him, just living out my own childhood trauma with someone good at helping me beat myself.

    It’s so hard to watch a decent, high character, brilliant person struggle with the chaos created by their own demons. To be humbled and humiliated.

    The irony is this last week of realizing my SO’s addiction has helped me help her. The timing of all this is not lost on me.

    I feel honored that she entrusted me with her pain.

    If you have the inclination, join me in lifting her in prayer.
     
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  14. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday I woke up early to realize SO was in the living room on his phone. Thought maybe fapping so of course I couldn’t go back to sleep. I lost a little more dignity attempting to see/hear. Didn’t seem like it so I went in.

    Had a pretty good day. But really this feels like having a cheater around. Always wondering what he’s up to.

    We just had a fight about something stupid. I know it’s partly because I’m raw about the PMO addiction. But also because I felt dismissed when he overrode my idea about something before I even finished saying it. Then he got pissed because of my silent attitude. So I responded to that. Off to the races.

    I know I have to do a better job of communication. I’m fighting about stuff that’s only mildly important to avoid saying anything about his problem. I could see this escalating.

    Sometimes it feels like he thinks he gets to run the show and not explain himself. Doesn’t like it if I question him. He feels blamed or something if I don’t agree with his approach. He acts like he’s the only one bearing burdens. I’m so fucking sick of it. I’m just supposed to sit back while things happen that I don’t understand and maybe don’t agree with. I’m supposed to bear the fallout for all the actions he takes without complaint.

    Just like the addiction.

    We might need marriage counseling. But he won’t agree to spend money unless it’s something he’s got to have. Then money is no object.

    Did I marry a completely selfish person? I always thought of him as generous. But maybe that’s just what suited him at the time.
     
  15. Thank you both for these truths! It’s nice to see the reminders! And we need them especially more when struggling with our emotions.

    All of this familiar...overworking..overspending....video games..garage...

    It’s all avoidance and retreat.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  16. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I guess he must regret marrying me too.
     
  17. No way! I don’t believe that at all! I believe they have deeper rooted issues that they use PMO..overworking..overspending...video games...any anything used in excess to escape from having to deal with their actual feelings/issues. It honestly has nothing to do with us SOs although it can feel that. But this is 100% not your fault and you are adequate in every way I promise you that!
     
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  18. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. It was inevitable that I would turn on myself. This is how my pattern has been. Man acts like an ass, I get pissed, he gets pissed, I blame myself. I’m pretty sick of it. What to do about it? I don’t know.
     
  19. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Today I took another step down the road of my own reset.

    I’ve realized that I’ve gone far away from what I know works in communicating with men. It started during pregnancy when I just couldn’t muster the will to do the work. Then it was just backsliding. I have to admit I’m that way in nearly all of my life right now. I know what to do but I’m not doing it.

    So I spent some time listening to some things that really made a difference in the past from a relationship coach. I spent some time in the Bible. I know I’ll have get back to my healthy eating which has taken a hit for a few weeks now. Need to get back to the gym. Since I’ve let these things slide I’ve been noticeably edgier. That’s not going to help anything.

    It’s not that I think I’m responsible for what he’s doing. I have not been taking care of me to varying degrees. Especially over the last couple months. I really need to.
     
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  20. self healing

    self healing Fapstronaut

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    I've been reading through this thread, and having a variety of emotions. I've replied before to you, blk45, saying how much I relate to your situation, so a lot of my buttons are being pushed. I feel so angry reading through this.
    You are SO NOT PERMANENTLY DAMAGED!!! I hope that you come here to work on yourself and take care of yourself. You are important, and so worth it!!
    The fact that you've been putting so much effort into NoFap tells me what a good person you are, as you care deeply about your family! You will find even more support and strength here.
    I take issue with some of the advice given you. HE is the addict. HE needs to take responsibility for HIS addiction. Also, your marriage is a partnership. YOU cannot take care of it alone. HE must take EQUAL responsibility for your marriage. YOU can offer help and support for his problem, but HE has to come up with HIS OWN SOLUTIONS! It is impossible for you to fix him. I'm a caretaker, and have to watch my own tendencies towards that.
    I genuinely don't have an opinion (a novelty!) if, in your case, the gentle approach will work in your case. It totally did not work for us. It took an ultimatum from me for him to earnestly address his porn addiction. Although I told him in the past 5 years on several occasions of my pain, about a month ago I went on a 1/2 hour rage, pacing the floor, telling him what I've had bottled up. To his credit, he listened. I wasn't insulting, but I was blunt. Again, I don't recommend this necessarily. But that's what it took to get through to my husband to take me seriously.
    You mentioned that he brings in most of the money in the marriage. I understand staying married may be a matter of survival for you. I stood to lose financially, but would be able to support myself reasonably if need be. I also have no kids to consider.

    I don't know if this helps you, but it sure helped me to get this off my chest!
     
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