The lonely wife of PA spouse

Whoo!

 

Um, if he is addicted to porn, he is objectifying the woman and getting off using her visylually as an object. There can also be sexual excitement to stockings, shoes, feet, that the porn contains. Sex/porn addicts in general all have objectafelia i woukd think, they objectify people and things. Sounds like it might be an excuse to soften the blow that hes a porn afdict who likes to lool at other women or men or whatwver he looks at. My ex loved painted feet and nails. Another man I knew said he loved shoes. Being sexually excited by body parts or actual objects is all in the sex addiction/objectification category. Yes, even a tree! 8 (

 

It might be worth looking for different therapist, that sounds very strange. But tbh it could be him making the excuses. My ex blamed his extherapist for fallig off the wagon the first time, and yes she was nuts but for addicts, they use situatuons (excuses) to try to justify or soften things and behaviors. If his therapist was really serious about that when even your hubby thinks that's Cray Cray, find another addiction specialist. Btw, I would highly recommend an actual addiction specialist then a regular counselor. Addiction is a diifferent animal to deal with then your regular depression, ocd or whatever that you think is causing your sex/porn addiction. The addict needs to first learn how to get a grip on the dopamine searching, i think addict specialist are more qualified to give advice, tips, info. Our therapist lwas good but he wasn't qualified to help the core of the problem, addiction! So it failed.

 

its amazing what you can do to heal yourself when you stop focusing your life on someone else, especially someone you love who is hurting you. its not about just leaving someone but truly loving yourself first, having boundaries and stopping the enabling behaviors that keep you in the addict cycle and trance. he is addicted to porn and you are addicted to him. free yourself so you can love yourself and if you truly love him you will not enable either, as hard as it is to let go and see them fall, for addicts they need a real rock bottom, they can never get there if you constantly catch them, and addicts know how to get you to catch their fall. The book made me realize why my life had gone so terribly wrong and why i let so much of my life pass in this codependent state, i'm finally really becoming self aware of my problem - codependency!
glad you are slowly seeing the light, its just the beggining, keep educating yourself, reaching out, sharing, your strength really does grows.

 

we all feel your pain and understand. good you get these feelings out, even better to educate. sex/porn addiction is the most personal of all. as much as we read that its them and not us, it still doesnt make the pain or low self esteem go away, as much as you read that its the dopamine they are seeking and not the woman, it doesnt make us feel that we were ever their real love. betrayel is a hard pill to swallow and for some the risk of going down that path is not a possibility. maybe if you can let all these feelings out and educate yourself on what your hubby is going through in his addiction, you will be able to move forward more easily with a decision to stay or go. some women can not deal with the objectification, triggers, being out in public with their sig others or even have sex or look at them, if you are at that point it pretty much is a done deal and your both just hanging on to eachther for the wrong reasons (children, finances, loneliness?...) in the mean time, as he is doing his work on himself, it is important that you work on yourself too because if you cant process your feelings any choice you make will still keep you stuck, its called unresolved feelings which for many haunts and stops them from living a full life.
stay strong, keep reading books, the how can i forgive you book is good too. on days i start to feel sad, desperate, hurt i read the books, contact a friend, check in here, journal, etc.. finding your normal life before all this nightmare is important. right now it may feel as though this is what your whole life is going to be about, sexual issues, thoughts, anger, but its not if you live your life and dont let him or his disease take over your outlook of what normal is. theres a normal, good, happy life out there, we were just unfortunate to have chosen someone who is sick, but its done, you cant change the past, take the good things you had with him and move on, look forward, learn and grow. anger and bitterness will hold you back, he is a sick person who has the choice to heal himself, only he can make that choice and ut doesnt have anything to do with how much he loves you, its about him being able to love himself enough to know he is worth more then wanking off to porn for the dopamine and losing his family. keep sharing! i like to hear you are feeling strong.

 

i think youre educated on what causes addiction, like me. we sre

i just saw a fb post tonight on a whole community of "ecosexuals". they F nature, literally! the dirt, a tree, bushes. there was even a marriage ceremony of earth.
i dont judge for what people are attracted to but why the F do these men get into false relationships with double lives and hurt innocent people? why cant tey find swingers, open relationships, ecosexuals, transgendered people, what ever the f it is that they desire. why the need to lie, cheat, deceit, innocent people who only want to love them. that is the main part i cant get around? i figure is it because their addicted to the double life? the scare, the thrill, the lies get them going? which i hear is the real trance and not the avtual sex or orgasm, its the chase, the searching, the conquering. there are whole communities into everything, why pick someone and be so dishonest?! just so sad and i think why most of us cant get over this, the betrayel, disrespect and lies. yes, the answer all boils down to the usual, addicts arent in the right frame of mind bs. this is why it is hard to get over and understand, why someone you love would betray you and put you in this position when there are so many people willing to live their type lifestyles. 8(

 

I agree 100%, I honestly believe they don't want to be this way but are damaged and mentally impaired by something, someone, maybe past trauma, abuse?... and so they live these double lives hoping to not get caught which then creates other compulsive behaviors to keep the brain flowing with dopamine to cope. But, it still is a lie and yes they are damaging other people's lives, even lives they've created! Until they can get sober enough, all these things we are saying really don't mean anything to them. It's not benefiting them, it's noise, it's information they want to be in denial about, it causes them to use even more! So, we know that now having been dragged through the mud, it's up to each of us to get out of the cycle, and by get out it doesn't necessarily mean leaving, it can mean leaving "for now", it means not repeating . Change doesn't happen with repeated behaviors, that goes for the addict and the SO of an addict! We need to take responsibility for our own behavior too, not all this damage was due to them but ourselves excepting and continuing.

 

"Whawwahaa" is right, lol! Good description.
Hey, I was a survivor of sex abuse too, to a great extent that you would never believe, you know those stories of young girls being brainwashed and then taken from their homes, well I'm one of them, my abuser turned out to be someone I knew, trusted to protect me but instead turned out to be a serial rapist that went to jail for over 20 years for all the attacks he was busted on, how's that for picking bad apples?! . Most People on here basically are codependent, (yes most of us are, because normal people do not tolerate and accept this abuse, behavior, disrespect over and over again) we somehow in our past have had things happen to us to make us feel this way, we think we don't deserve better or will ever find better. We also know what true hurt is about, we've been there and so because we feel damaged we look for other people who are damaged so we don't feel bad about ourselves. We figure if they have flaws like we do, they'd except and understand us. Addicts and codependent are magnets, they know who you are from a thousand miles away by your "caring nature", willing to go out of your way, put others before you, be their caretaker. And us, we don't mind it because if we are busy "fixing" them, we don't need to fix ourselves. What would we do with a good "normal" guy? Would they understand our brokenness, our past traumas?
This for sure I've learned about my own self in reading on codependency, my cycle has been to push good, kind, normal guys away, thinking there's no attraction, their too nice, etc.. but truth is I've pushed them away because they were so normal and nice I was too ashamed to have to tell them about my past, so instead i choose men who need fixing 8(. I felt more comfortable with someone rough around the edges, laid back, thinking maybe because we both were broken we could help each other heal. My exes have been alcoholics, pill poppers and now this, the worse of all addictions, sex addiction! If that isn't my wake up call, I don't know what would be, a coffin?
I'm awake now, my ex is an addict, I'm a codependent, we loved each other but he loved his drug more then me and I stayed thinking I could fix him when all I did was enable it by forgiving over and over again.
His chances and my patience have run out, I've reached my limits, it's time for me to take this as my own lesson to heal myself or this will be my life forever, just the same as for the addict, stop the cycle, no matter how painful it will be, it must be done and gets easier once you find the healthy life replacements. Education is key to understanding, if you understand and have tools to cope, you move forward, every day becomes another breath of fresh air, leaving the darkness behind. Find a good, positive circle of support and friends, it will save your life. Go to Alannon group if you don't have anyone to talk to, having people in your life help you stear the right way is important for healing and moving on.

 

Btw, I want to mention that even with what happened to me as a s a child, I feel I'm normal, I never did drugs, alcohol, come from actually a good family. Althiugh my dad was an alcohol, gambling, smoking addict which created for me an unstable home which most likely lead to me allowing a stranger to gain my trust as a child easier. I dont blame my dad however, this pysho would've found me either way and my good nature would have still believed in him. My point is, when you grow up with trauma and crazy behaviors you often times except them later in life not realizing it became "normal" to you. I had very normal good relationships in between as well, it was only the last 3 exes that brought me down the road to my childhood, why? Unresolved feelings and trauma and hurt I had been hiding from. Just like addicts with their own issues but they instead self harm and self destruct. I luckily had good normal friends and family for support and to stayed clear of substance abuse. But clearly, I now have to face the mental abuse that I have had happen so I stop this bad cycle. I live a normal life, you would never imagine by seeing me in real life that anything was wrong or that I'd ever choose the people I did. Never judge a book by its cover and always love everyone you can see, you never know what they been through or going through. I guess I jut wanted to say, love your children by not exposing them to toxic, destructive behavior, maybe had I not grown up in a addict home my choices would've been better instead of being pulled towards chaotic relationships because it is more familiar. I have a son, he probably is the biggest reason for me to save myself so I can be there for him. Love yourselves ladies, there are people in our lives who need us and want us to be happy and healthy.

 

Education and awareness and reinforcement that we ARE good enough will help us heal. An addict cannot reinforce a codependent and codependents end up enabling the addict. So you're right: the cycle must be broken.

I'm also starting to believe that unless both the addict and the codependent are close to equally willing and dedicated to recovery for themselves there's no way the relationship can be sustained or become healthy. You need 2 healthy and determined individuals to have that.

 

Each one feeds off the other, that is why cycle contunues, it's subconscious to us because in some ways it may feel familiar, normal based on our past exposures.

The saying is ttue, if you love someine set them free, if they come back to you they are yours, if they don't, they never were. Would you want to spend your life with someone who needs you or loves you? With the latter, they can always find your replacement and besides, do you want to spend the rest of yiur life with someone who loves and respects you or a liar, unsympathetic, selfish addict?
Invest in your futuure wisely, I've already wasted many years but it's not too late to heal and rid of the hurtful, destructive people in my life. I deserve more, my son deserve more and you ladies deserve more too. An addict only has one love, their drug, a recovering addict however has the capacity to love a person if they work hard to stay sober. Don't spend your life with an addict in cycles, set them free to work on them while you work on you and maybe one day down the recovery road you both will be healthy enough for a real and healthy relationship, or maybe too much damage has been done and revisiting those times when in recovery is not healthy? Either way spend life being happy and treated well, invest in someone who you can trust and give back as well. Be good and kind to yourselves, you deserve it!

 

I'm sorry for the hollowness you feel. Know that nothing stays the same forever, times heals wounds and self love, awareness and growth helps you get there faster.