The recovery escalator

It’s been a few days since I posted the progress on my escalator.
Group has been eye opening, on so many levels, if you think group is not for you, think again… it’s a place where their is zero judging, most of us fear that, but let go of those fears. I live in a very small community, and my thoughts were, omg, this person or that person will know me or of me, and will tell others, that I have issues, and I was petrified. But when I got there, scared little mouse, they made me feel welcome, everyone had open arms, open hearts, it alleviated my worries. I sat down, chit chatted with a few people, then group started, and we watched someone’s testimony, and I figured, yup, this is the place for me. Whenever she shared something, her resentment, overeating because of stress, or anger, and she went on and on, and so did I, I never knew all the feelings I had bottled up, that I projected on my spouse, or whomever came close to me. I was a horrible person to her, for far too long. I never “got it”, never worked hard enough to understand my issues, my problems, always too scared to face anything. But group flicked a switched in me, so did my wife and all the help she has given, and all the work she put in her recovery, and ours. I’m very proud and grateful for her. I don’t deserve this beautiful, kind, sweet and supremely intelligent angel. We are working together, she now comes to group and feels the same as I, we are not alone, we are all struggling with something, and boy let me tell you, their is somebody that is dealing with something way greater than you, and they are still getting up, still doing what has to be done. I’m proud of them, it’s hard, but they believe in something greater than themselves, it helps, white knuckling is NEVER the way, it will never work. Your will power is not as strong as you think, it’s what brought you to your knees, and most likely, your spouse or family. Please I beg you, give group a chance, it will give your path an easier and better way, you will feel amazing.

 

I have to admit, things have been difficult of late. I feel like I can’t communicate with my wife, like at all. It’s not her fault, trust me, but when she asks question, I just don’t seem to understand, it doesn’t help that I answer before she’s done talking, I’m working on that. But lately, I find it’s deeper, like she is talking in English, and I’m speaking Martian, or something. I have to figure out my communication asap, and it doesn’t help that it is still all about me, my empathy level is not even close to what it should, or what I remember having it(when I had empathy, my addiction erased that pretty deep).
I hate what I have created, the mess, the pain, the lies. I really want her to heal, to stop having ptsd symptoms, to smile again, for her to be her and not the person I made her. I will continue on the road to recovery, and I hope her path leads back to mine.