Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Acky31, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. This is something that I have had to come to terms with a lot over the last 8 months. That my perception of what our relationship looked like vs. her reality of living with an addict for the last 30 years were very different. As to your statement that she probably wouldn't have bothered, I think the fact that you are still together is something you need to consider. Has she had to endure incredible pain and trauma to finally be having the man she wanted in the beginning? Sure, there is no minimizing that. But it is that man, you that she wanted, and you obviously were 'marraige material" because you're still there. She fell in love with you before she knew the full ramifications of what that meant, but her love was/is real and it has only become stronger as it has endured the betayal of your addiction.
    Continue becoming the man she has always seen in you. Not a perfect man, but one who is facing his giant and fighting for his bride and family against an ever present attack to tear it apart.
    Be well my friend.
     
  2. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 478.

    Thanks for this, I think I should pin this on my wall, really inspirational.

    This weekend has been quite full on. Tan has been at work, and I've had the kids to look after, but our eldest has been unwell (she vomited on Tan just as she was leaving for work on Saturday...) and has been feeling pretty sorry for herself since. We went for a walk to the park which improved her mood, and was nice to get out. When Tan returned, we went grocery shopping which didn't go down too well with the kids...

    Yesterday she was still under the weather but seemed a little better, although tired still. We went to Tans parents for Sunday lunch, which was nice, and then went for a trip to my dad's after, which was good as well.

    Last night however, did not go well. Our youngest was up all night being sick, which disturbed our eldest sleep leaving everyone very tired this morning. This morning, after we bathed the kids, they both vomited again. Now, we are at work, absolutely knackered. Hopefully tonight will be better.
     
  3. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 479.

    The kids have still been unwell, and last night/5his morning, our youngest vomited again twice.

    Today is my assessment, and I'm pretty nervous, it happens this afternoon, and waiting all day for it is making it even worse. My colleague had it this morning and found out they passed, which builds the pressure a little more. I'm practising mindfulness to try and make it a little easier though.

    It also looks like building work on our house is going to hopefully start sooner than expected as our builder has said the he expects to start at the end of this month.

    A lot of exciting/ nerve-racking stuff going on in the near future. Now I'm going to prepare to be wow the assessor...
     
  4. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 481.

    Awesome news, I passed my assessment. Bad news, I've been off work the past couple of days having picked up whatever the kids have had, and now Tan has it too and is laid up in bed while I look after our (now mostly recovered) youngest.

    Yesterday was my birthday, and should have been a good day celebrating passing my assessment and my birthday with family and friends, but never mind, there will be time for that.

    I hope that we can all recover quickly so we can reduce the amount of washing we're doing!
     
    lardy_renewed likes this.
  5. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 485.

    Back to work today after several days off last week from gastroenteritis. It was not a great week, but we are all over it now, after it spread through our family like a wildfire.

    This weekend has, however, been pretty good. We took the roof off the garage in preparation for building work starting, we built a new bed for our eldest. Our youngest slept in a real bed for the first time (which was a huge success!) we had a decent Sunday lunch with Tans parents, and we saw my dad and brother and talked and chilled out. So this weekend has been good.

    Having been off work last week, I had almost forgotten that I am on the early shift this week, which was a little annoying, but it means I can potentially get some overtime in which will be helpful. Though, I'm feeling pretty tired right now, so it does have its downside.


    I've just listened to a podcast about noticing the positives in life more, instead of focusing on negatives, and looking for the negatives in positive things.

    It discussed how seeing the successes we have and how doing that can allow more success to happen, as it changes how we look at things that are happening, allowing negative situations to have a positive impact.
     
    lardy_renewed and hope4healing like this.
  6. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 486.

    Tan was on a late shift last night which went well, with no issues.

    After work I went to pick the kids up from my dad's, when he invited us out for an Italian (which I couldn't refuse of course...). So we went for a nice meal out, the kids enjoyed it, but ended up late back for bed. At that point, usually they would be a pain to get to go to bed, but last night they went down to sleep without much problem, which is a blessing.

    After that, I made our lunches, tidied up and went to bed when Tan got in (where we spent probably to long talking about different ideas on the house...).

    Today is going pretty well so far, not too busy, but busy enough to keep us going, and hopefully I'll get time to sort some stuff out and organise things later.
     
  7. Growing Man

    Growing Man Fapstronaut

    47
    40
    18
    I thought I was doing well until I got honest with myself. Now I see I too have failed and working on correcting this
     
    Acky31 likes this.
  8. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 487.

    Last night was good. We spent it eating an awesome curry made by Tan, eating a cupcake from my birthday, and discussing plans for the house.

    A lot of talk at the moment is about the house and things that we want to do with decorations, and the way the house flows etc. We want this to be potentially our forever home, so we obviously want it to be right, without regrets that we didn't do something.

    Tonight will likely go much the same, chilled out discussions of exciting plans for the future.


    I've just listened to a podcast talking about how our partners often show love in different ways that we don't even realise, and that we need to have eyes to notice these things, so we can appreciate it more, instead of expecting love in a certain form that they haven't given it in.
     
    lardy_renewed likes this.
  9. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 488.

    Today is going okay, its been very busy this morning, and there have been a few problems to sort out but hopefully we are back on track this afternoon.

    I am looking forward to this weekend, and a coupele of days off. Some friends are coming up so we are going to meet up and do something with them.

    We have just has a sample of the garage roof tested, and it turns out that it definitely is asbestos. When we took it down, we did everything properly, with good equipment, but it means we have dispose of it correctly now, and hopefully we can do it at our local waste centre relatively painlessly.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  10. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 489.

    Today is going okay, work is busy but we are managing so far. I finish early today, which always makes the day feel better (walking out when everyone else is still working really improves the mood!)

    Tan is going out with some friends after she finishes work, which is cool. She often sees these friends with the kids, but today is child free for them which is awesome. I'll head to my dad's, have some food there with the kids, and then take the kids home for bed.

    Tomorrow, we will be meeting up with friends which is cool. We've been looking forward to this for a while, and it will be really good to catch up.

    I've been listening to a podcast about the three "foundations" of recovery:

    1 - have the right intention/motivation
    2 - be balanced and consistent
    3 - be mindful

    Obviously there is more to it than this but 1 the motivation must be more than just a means to an end ("I'm doing this to stop watching porn"/"I just want to get my spouse off my back") as this will undermine recovery, for having the wrong motivation and intention behind the whole process. Recovery is about creating a better life.

    2- consistency is also important as it shows that it is a lifestyle change, and relies to an extent on motivation.

    3- mindfulness is important for you to understand your feelings and behaviours, and allows you to actually make changes to stop the harmful behaviours.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  11. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 492.

    This weekend was pretty good. We had a good time on Saturday meeting up with friends. We did a live "cluedo" around the city with a load of other teams taking part, and we finished the day off in the pub with a few beers. We got back, enjoyed some time alone, and collected the kids before having a relaxing evening together.

    Yesterday we had Sunday dinner with family after the grocery shopping. We had a couple of pretty tired kids which made things a little more difficult, but it was still pretty good. We spent some time preparing the house for builders coming later this week to start work on our extension.

    Tonight we are meeting with the builder to finalise plans for the work ahead which is exciting! We are looking forward to getting started!
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  12. Ugh .. @HeartBrokenAndScared read this today apparently -- and liked it .. the "Ugh" part is re-reading my own words -- from about 16 months ago ... Oh, how I failed to "let it go" back then -- failed to let it go and just focus on my own recovery. Worse, I ended up internally-giving-up in mid-August (only 4.5 months after I wrote these words) ... I gave up on my marriage, as I lost patience or lost hope or whatever....and I "gave up" in the worst way -- by entering into a hidden, long-distance emotional affair from Sep-Dec 2018.

    I guess I couldn't give up control .. and I took more control and piled on more lies and more betrayal onto my hurting wife.

    ..

    Sorry @Acky31 for hijacking your journal -- it's been a while since you and I have corresponded on NoFap. I hope you have fared better than I.
     
    Acky31 and Deleted Account like this.
  13. I was gathering insights from the ongoing posts in the section.

    @TryingHard2Change if it makes you feel any better, if my partner was trying as hard as you seem to be (and have for a long time) we would be in a different spot.
    Don't beat yourself up. You're not a perfect person but you try. Give yourself some credit. You deserve it.
     
  14. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    It has been a while, you're right, and I think a lot has happened in that time for both of us by the sounds of things.

    You were one of the first people to reach out to me when I opened up on here, and I still appreciate that. Sometimes looking back at the past makes you see how hypocritical you have been, but if we continue to learn, then then we can use these past experience for good, instead of just letting them make us feel like crap.

    I know that I've got a whole load of things that are in my past that when I think back, make me realise just how hypocritical I've been.

    I was actually thinking about this recently, and it ties in with a podcast that I have listened to recently about living in a way that is true to yourself. I want to rid my life of hypocrisy, even if it means that people think "less" of me, because that's the only way that people will truly be able to trust me, when they know that I say what I mean, and not what I think people want to hear.

    I truly hope that you are doing okay @TryingHard2Change. Regardless of what was going on with you, your words have given a lot of insight and help to many people on here.
     
  15. This makes me think of acceptance and the serenity prayer. I could stand a little more acceptance and embracing what is and a little less, what could have been. Thank you for that reminder.
     
    Acky31 and TryingHard2Change like this.
  16. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 494.

    The past couple of days have been really hot (for the UK) and work has been more difficult because of it (the air conditioning has broken...)

    Work begins tomorrow on our extension which is really exciting, though tbh, when we get back home tomorrow, we will probably not be thrilled at the disruption we will be living with. Roll on November when it will be finished!

    We will have a houseful of people round tonight, helping us sort a few final things out in preparation of the work starting so hopefully it will be a nice night tonight.


    I just listened to a podcast about how SOs might feel triggered by being called beautiful etc. How it might seem to come from a place of disingenuous intent. How it could be to overcompensate or to attempt to make up for the past, even if it does come from somewhere honest and genuine.

    I think this kind of thing does still make Tan feel uncomfortable, much the same as using the word Love. I hope we do get back to a place where she feels okay to reciprocate the sentiment, but at the moment, she feels that it would mean that all is okay and forgiven, but we still have a journey ahead of us, and I'm okay with it. I understand her awkwardness but still feel I need to express my own love to her.
     
    lardy_renewed likes this.
  17. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 495.

    Today is going pretty good, the temperature is definitely hotter than it has been the past couple of days, but work is still going okay (though I'd rather be sat outside with Tan in the garden with a beer...)

    Today is the day, the builders have begun dismantling part of the house and it's pretty scary/exciting), and I'm looking forward to getting home and seeing how things have progressed. I guess things will start quick, things always come down faster than they get built (there's a metaphor there...)

    This weekend I am going for a drink with a few friends to our local pub (for an alternative stag do, just a relatively quiet one). I think it will still be hard for Tan, but I hope it goes okay. I think it will, though we still have the kids in the morning so that will be good fun!
     
  18. I decided to start saying "I choose to love you", rather than "I love you". I similarly hope that we can get back to 'normal' in that regard, but I'm not going to push it.
     
    Acky31 likes this.
  19. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 496.

    Still pretty hot today, but rain is on the horizon for the weekend (naturally...).

    A digger has been taking down the side of our house this morning which will be interesting to see tonight when I get home from work. Very exciting stuff for us at the moment.

    Despite the rain this, weekend should still be good. We have family heading up, I'm trying on my suit for the wedding, I'm going for a drink to celebrate with the groom, and we are going for another family Sunday dinner. So it will be a busy, costly and hopefully good weekend.
     
  20. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

    493
    403
    63
    Day 499.

    This weekend didn't go as it should have. I was pretty selfish on Saturday night. Our youngest daughter has a bad chest (we suspect bronchiolitis) and it's causing her to wheeze quite badly, and she has a bad cough, a sore throat and keeps developing fever.

    While I was out on Saturday night, Tan was struggling with her, as she wasn't sleeping very well at all. Tan phoned me while I was out to explain that she was not coping with her, but I just stayed out as I was too busy enjoying myself.

    Im pretty ashamed of myself, to have put my enjoyment before my daughters wellbeing, and I don't think there is anyone more critical of my actions than me.

    I pride myself on being a good dad, and I don't want this action to define how good I am as a parent, so I will not make this mistake again.
     
    lardy_renewed and Mr Banjoman like this.

Share This Page