Two kids in love now two adults in a war....

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by AWomanAtWar, Feb 7, 2018.

  1. AWomanAtWar

    AWomanAtWar New Fapstronaut

    Hi, all! I am so thankful I found NoFap. I'm encouraged and I hope to find more knowledge but mostly at this point advice on whether my husband is serious about recovery (Everything points to the sad fact that he isn't) but I need confirmation that there are legitimate red flags as I want to be logical in spite of the overwhelming and differing amount of emotions I'm being plagued with. :/

    So here goes the journey of our 17 year, 9 being married, relationship....

    We met at the tender age of 14 years old and it was literally sparks. Even after all these years and in spite of the devastating place we are at now, we both smile at what those young kids found in each other all those years ago. We fell hard and passionately It was a happening so rare and so profound that we both admit we've taken that connection for granted over the years. Two years into that young relationship we finally quit playing at the edge with the other fun stuff (Hehe) and had sex. We've both been proud of the fact that we have only physically been with each other, he even to this day boldly makes that known at work to his fellow coworkers at the shop. He literally prides himself in that fact and it makes me love him all the more because that's so rare for a man to proclaim as confidentally as he does.
    We have a foundation on more than just physical chemistry though. It's a deep friendship that has cemented us through a lot of life's blows. I've always been more on the described tom boy bent. We secured our bond early on through things like the same interest in music (He's an amazing solo guitarist), video games (I never out grew gaming) lol, but early on a mutual love of bass fishing and a healthy competitive nature cemented our friendship. I would watch as the young boy would flash in anger at missing a good bass. I remember thinking to myself I've never seen such impatience on a boat growing up with my step dad. But over the years I've had the honor of watching patience develop, well in that area at least. But more so our childhoods and need for love is what binded us. While his was too chaotic to fathom, with deep wounds and trauma he has yet to deal with, mine was equally damaging and so we were two broken kids who needed love. That need was met when we found each other.

    In March 2009 those kids were finding themselves expecting a boy of their own. We were newly married, new parents and learning to take on the role of parenthood. It was wonderful! I started to see the man in my Jesse develop. He started a new job as a mechanic in a shop that had been open only a few years prior. Jesse has such a technical ability it's damn near genius. He's absolutely brilliant in that respect and it was noticed by a well respected master technician at that shop, who invested in that bright mind by taking Jesse under his wing, teaching him all he knows. He has now been with this same company almost ten years and he is literally the back bone of that place, which is now a thriving mechanic shop specializing in exotics. He is well respected and is invaluable as an employee, so needless to say he's a wonderful provider. For that I am truly thankful.
    We had our fiery red headed daughter in 2011 and traveled life, still each other's all in spite of us both battling alcoholism, learning to survive together. We are now in the best place we've ever been as far as a permanent home and managing bills properly. We weren't so good at fully being functioning alcoholics for a long time. But in spite of ourselves 3 years ago God blessed us with stability in my childhood home which we are buying from my grandparents. The future started to look really bright at that point and I knew then it would all be ok. Jesse just seemed to become more and more discontent in spite of the rich blessings we found ourselves with, which I didn't understand.

    The Christmas of 2015 God took all need and desire for alcohol from me. I asked that He forgive me for my selfishness and admitted I had no right to ruin my children's childhood and absolutely was mortified at the dishonor I brought Him every time I drank and Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde Elizabeth came out. That self honesty He greatly blessed and it was evident that the young, unsure, insecure girl, who was overly aggressive because she was really fearful, was blossoming into a 30 year old woman who liked who she was becoming and found her identity in who her Father was.

    This is where the disconnect between Jesse and I occurred and leaves us where we're at now. Now, I do not believe how far we've fallen. Now, I feel like the man who has been my best friend and lover through more than half of my life is a stranger. Not merely just unrecognizable but someone darker and more sinister.

    The timeline for me was in Sept 2015 after a week long vacation he went on in Florida to repair the relationship with his father. I wholeheartedly trusted him to spend a week on a beach. Boy was I unaware, because knowing what I know now and how much he was viewing Porn even then, I never would have allowed it. But I did, and he went, and from that point forward until now he has become absolutely hateful to me. I mean down right cruel in his treatment of me. I didn't understand what was going on. I literally have Google data that shows me in August of 2016 looking up things like 'Does my husband hate me" "Why is my husband so angry and distant" "Does my husband not love me anymore" I didn't recognize his treatment of me so I had to find answers. I discovered that his treatment and behavior was an indication of a Porn Addiction and it explained the rewiring of the brain and it explained why he treated me so disdainfully and why be began to grossly neglect me and the kids, the hormone that is supposed to bond and devote him to me was now bonding him to a screen. An example of that negligence is that my husband is a fine mechanic, I homeschool our 8 and 6 year old which requires us needing to go on outings during the week for our well being, my car has been overheating for TWO years!!! Easy fix, no reason for it, his coworker couldn't believe it. It explained the severe depression he had found himself in, the suicidal thoughts, the feelings of emptiness, and the admitted lack of empathy he felt for even our children.

    Anyway, I showed him what I found about the Porn on Sept 2, 2016 and he seemingly waived the white flag and he agreed he noticed how it had pulled his heart from me. He knew I could see all he did at home on the Google Activity and his phone pshh I busted it months prior and he couldn't view it at work or his boss would know.

    At first there were noticeable withdrawal symptoms I believe, because he didnt want to get out of bed. I started to notice enough improvement towards me however that my radar came down.

    Until January of this year he some how magically developed ED!!!!!! I started noticing changes in December but when I saw that the man I've had mind blowing sex with my entire adult life flacid and shrunken mid intercourse!!! His penis actually told on him!!

    Sorry I know I've been long winded but I'm finally ready to list my questions followed with possible red flags. If I could get any insight to these points I would feel like I'm finding some sort of bearings that my love and attraction for him get in the way of.

    1.) If he has been Porn free since Sept 2 why has the ED shown up Now?
    2.) He's admitted to Porn substitutes like rap videos and other various YouTube videos, can these alone cause PIED?
    3.) Could increased masturbation cause PIED? I realize desensitization but PIED?
    4.) Can PIED develop without the P?
    5.) He's supposedly had no relapse with hard p and claims it has been rather simple. Is a relapse usually an inevitable part of recovery?
    Possible Red Flags:
    1.) He's lied to me about the Psubs with cold hard evidence then eventually admitted only when he realized the evidence was irrefutable.
    2.) Has been utterly foul towards me in how he speaks to and of me. This treatment made me think for a long time he resented me and the kids and viewed us as a burden keeping him from experiencing more. I told him 3 weeks ago that it was ok to leave and that I wanted him to be happy even if that's not with me. I had plans to meet up with another man accepting my marriage was over and to my surprise my husband started to freak and I saw true fear of losing me. Does his level of meanness show he's been actively watching Porn?
    3.) He's had unaccounted for blocks of time.
    4.) He's told me several times I need to stop reading information on Porn Addiction including this site.
    5.) He's pressured me for sex catching an attitude if I tell him I'm not emotionally ready. I've given in to prevent further argument and well basically because of my own needs. The three times I have I've woken up pissed at myself for giving him that part of me with all this evidence in my face.
    6.) This past Christmas I had a weird gut feeling all of a sudden that he was inappropriately looking and viewing my nieces in ways that makes him unsafe. Mind you he's been around my family for 17 years, why this weird feeling now and when I thought the Porn was no longer in the picture.
    7.) Late last year while he was really drunk I literally watched my husband fantasize about his 21 year old step sister even producing a sigh as he looked away from her.
    8.) This is most disturbing in light of the three previous mentioned... I have found a few p subs in the house here and there in the house and in our closet, various movies with nudity and sex scenes, today I found the movie Natural Born Killers hidden at the top in the back of our closet that was not there 3 weeks ago. Am I wrong to feel it is high cause for concern he would stash a movie of that nature to use as a sub?

    I know this has been incredibly long but please any insight is so desperately needed. Thank you.
    kropo82 likes this.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the forum!!
    I will answer your questions...
    1) education on Flatline, may help you.
    2) yes absolutely it can cause PIED.
    Any porn alone or with masturbation can...
    But it's actually the dopamine drip in his brain... As long as he's getting hits of dopamine, he is still very addicted and down the rabbit hole.
    5) your milage may vary.
    Everyone is different.
    I know my SO has had PIED.
    Something to know... It can take over two years to heal from.

    Your suspicious mindset may be correct.
    To properly reboot he needs to give up all porn and subsidies.
    Even sex scenes in movies.
    Everyone has a different approach to reboot, however this part is the same.
    I would recommend a 30 hardmode start.
    My SO thinks everyone should start out with one... It literally starves the dopamine out.

    Also, something to note...
    Flatline is complicated with PIED.
    It can take longer and seems more tedious.
    However, to me, it sounds like he never gave anything up... He just compromised.
    I wish you the very best and feel free to ask me any questions.
    Good luck
  3. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I don't know, but many of us relapsed countless times, that is in part how we realised that we were addicts and needed help, and hence why we are here.

    What does he mean by "no relapse with hard p"? Has he relapsed with any porn at all?

    Whereas actually the opposite is true: he needs to read the information and to join this site.

    You have to trust your instincts on this, I wish I knew what to suggest.
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Kenzi like this.
  4. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    Go with your gut, trust your instincts Do Not Ignore, especially with the younger girls. Unfortunately with p the top search across the board is teen and anything that has to do about this addiction is it’s novelty and searching for more. Unfortunately with some men they can take the porn novelty to a level of acting out in real life, mine had (not with a teenager but 20 something) . I wish I hadn’t ignored some of my gut feelings I had for years. It’s possible his behaviors are a red flag that he’s had those thoughts, come close to it but it doesn’t mean he has. What you describe to me (out of personal experience) is that it is something to have a real talk about and to not ignore.

    Im worried about posting this reply as the last thing I want to do push someone to higher level of suspension, but I do believe you have reason to be concerned, his mind could be going places it shouldn’t even if his body hasn’t.
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2018
  5. These are great questions and worth answering

    ED can be caused by other things. It is not uncommon for men in their thirties. But read on...

    I have been a masturbation addict since my teens. I have very rarely used P and I have grown to be a little self righteous because of that. But I have learnt in time that my mind can self direct and produce the filthiest movies without P to inspire it. In my view and from my experience, masturbation on its own or with P subs can be just as bad as hardcore porn. So it is quite possible ED has developed. I was beginning to go soft at the height of my masturbation addiction.

    It can be really simple if you simply replace hardcore porn with P subs. For a lot of guys it is more about being able to get an orgasm than finding the perfect woman on pixels. That was the case for me.

    He is kidding himself if he thinks replacing P with P subs makes him anymore righteous, a better husband/father, or it will solve his ED, anger, and other problems. The fact that he is hiding P subs tells me that deep down in his wretched soul, he knows it is wrong.

    The thing with P or just fantasy while masturbating is it is completely self centered. We imagine ourselves as someone great with incredible powers to give or withhold pleasure. In time that self centeredness will spill out and manifest in other areas of your life. For me it was deep seated depression and bitterness that I wasn't getting what I clearly deserved. For your husband it may manifest itself as anger and rage.

    forums and websites on porn addiction are very helpful. That said you have to be careful you don't read your husband into every article. I remember being told the symptoms for meningitis in health class at school. I was fighting a cold at the time but came away absolutely convinced I had the early stages of the disease. The same is true with reading about p addiction. Remember that addiction can look different for different people. When you read the websites, have a measured attitude and be aware that you may be prone to paranoia at this time.

    This is pretty serious and P addiction can definitely lead to this. That said, you are understandably fighting all sorts of emotions at this time. You may be paranoid.

    Thank you for sharing so openly. I am a newly wed and I hope I never hurt my bride the way your husband is hurting you. I'm praying you both come through this and save what sounds like an otherwise good marriage. God Bless.

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