What a beautiful day!

Hello! It’s nice to see such enthusiasm!

I’ve been feeling stressed lately. There’s been a lot going on at work, I’ve been putting a lot more time into recovery work, I’m still getting used to being back in classes after taking the summer semester off, and I’m trying to catch up on housework etc. I have kind of created a dichotomy where I’m either engaged with recovery or participating in my addictive behaviours. Recover comes with facing my emotions, dealing with all the day-to-day tasks, being aware of how far behind I am on everything, and being aware of the terrible state my marriage is in. One of the main functions of my addiction is escapism, so although it comes with loneliness and depression of its own, I am much less aware at the time.

Coming back to recovery can feel like the wrong choice, instinctually. You are living your life in a way that is more difficult and your subconscious will want you to stop. There is this middle ground of this transition where the determination and willpower you managed to build up starts to wane and the reality of all the work you need to do starts to set in, before you see any significant benefits from the changes. This is where I am now.

I don’t want to go back to my old behaviour but I’m having trouble staying present in my life the way it is now. I’m extremely uncomfortable with my emotions and my instinct is to distract myself. I know I can’t do that though, escapism of any kind is a road that leads back to porn and I’m not willing to go there. The other roads are undefined, I have not travelled them, I don’t know how to navigate them nor where they lead, I have no map.

Thank you for the well wishes @HereToFight. Strength to you as well!

 

After having relapsed last night, I renew my commitment to sobriety: no PMO. @newsocks, your posts are inspiring and your honesty is admirable. Keep fighting the good fight my brother.

 

Thank you, it means a lot to me that I’ve had a positive impact. I really appreciate that you let me know.