What should I Do?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Amanda011, Jun 28, 2019.

  1. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

    25
    13
    3
    Hi everyone,
    I have questions and need help/guidance.
    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 yrs. We have been living together for a yr. In the begining of our relationship I stayed at his place 2 weeks out of the month and 2 weeks at my place (I lived far away) when I was gone I knew he was watching porn and masturbating, which I was some what ok with because i wasn't there. He is a gamer and he is an aspie (high function) so he would stay up late to game. He would tell me that he pleasured him self to a girl with small breasts (That's his go to) I am small chested. I didn't understand why he had to do that when I was sleeping in the bed right next to him and the computer. We were having sex 4-6 times per day, so I thought that I wasn't providing for him. It made me feel off, but I didn't say anything. He is 29 and I am 39, we both have high sex drives. I never really saw him doing it or thought anything more about it till me moved in together. About 6 months into living together I would come home from work on his days off and he would be PMO (not sure if I am using this incorrectly) I was erked. Then it was happening more frequently, so I told him that it upset me when he did that, he told me that he only did it when I wasn't available, but we would have sex at night and most of the times in the morning, so I didn't understand why he couldn't wait 8 hrs. till i got home. He apologized and said he wouldn't do it any more...that was a lie. His computer is right beside our bed and I would catch him PMO while I was sleeping right beside him. I then told him that I hated this behavior and it made me feel shitty about myself like maybe I wasn't sexy enough for him, he said "no I find you very attractive and I only use porn to get off faster" I blew up at him saying I don't like it and don't want to feel like this anymore. He apologized again and said "I don't want to loose you so I will stop"...that was a lie. I then started to feel anxious and stressed that he was still lying about it, so I started checking his phone and computer history, I found out that he was still watching porn and a lot of it daily. I freaked on him for lying to me again. He said he was trying his best but it was hard because he never really had a girlfriend before and was used to PMO. I told him that it pisses me off when masturbate to porn and that I would leave him. He stopped watching porn, but then would proceed to look at pictures of girls and masturbate right beside me laying in bed while I was sleeping. Oh hell no, I started to pack my stuff, I was out! He said " I thought you only ment no watching porn" really come on I said to other girls! I told him I think he has an addiction. I didn't leave that night, but I slept on the couch. The next morning I checked his phone and I found porn from that night after we just talked about it...i completely freaked. He said "i thought you broke up with me" OMG what...anyways I told him if he didn't get his shit together I was leaving him. So he came up with some strategies to help, no computer after I go to bed and I get to check his phone daily (You can delete history), but I do love him a lot and wanted to make it work. He seemed to be doing good till I caught him again, he denied it and lied to me again, so now I really can't trust him and I don't believe him when he tells me stuff. Not to mention that he checks out other girls when we are out in public, he denied doing that to. I am at the point where my anxiety about it is so bad that I feel that I can't leave him home alone, I miss out on doing things with friends and family knowing that he will be home alone, I failed classes because of this and not to mention my self esteem is shot. Other than his addiction, he is amazing.
    It seemed to have gotten better, but I think he got better at hiding it. Last week I caught him 3 times while I was home and the 2 nights that we went out he was checking out other girls, I confronted him about looking at other girls when we were out, he denied it. I love him, but I don't want to deal with it anymore. What do I do?
     
    need4realchg and TimeToQuitNow like this.
  2. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    1,821
    5,033
    143
    I will never understand why guys with girlfriends with high sex drives have are pornography addicts. It makes so sense. That's like living in Italy and keep buying microwave pizzas.
     
    Nines, goodnice 2.0, Ozona and 10 others like this.
  3. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

    25
    13
    3
    We are having a discussion about it tonight. I have tried everything sexy outfits, paying more attention to him and having sex 2-3 times a day, but I want it less from him because I feel ugly, fat and not valued. Do I leave or not? Do I try to help him?
     
  4. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

    69
    60
    18
    OP and everyone. I have been using PMO for about 35-40 years.
    I have been married 35 years. My wife is gorgeous, she was also a dancer and gymnast.
    She is am amazing person, she is smart, attractive and amazing in a private time we share.
    We love all the same music, we both like to go shooting, same movies, and even at times same foods.
    We enjoy the same sports, same activities and are both dedicated to our family.

    So looking at your questions, one would look at me and say WTF is wrong with me.
    My dad, was a pretty cool guy, was a medic on the military, was a funny guy. Worked hard
    and my mom loved him dearly. He drank .........allot. So much so that he lost his city manger job, after
    wrecking two city cars while drink. We lost our house, they divorced. I ended up homeless at age 17
    living in a car. This was back before there was welfare, my welfare was aluminum cans and working to get a job.
    I got a job, studied and got a grant for college, graduated and married my wife and have two amazing boys that are in their mid 20's.

    I am not sure where or how it started, I was repulsed by magazines and such when I was a teen, my friends would steal
    their dads mags and I would be like eeew. But then I became homeless and was exposed once to adult material and it never ended.
    While my young life was falling apart, from age 8-13 I was abused sexually by a family male friend. I am not sure how that played a role in my life today. But I knew early on, my mind was kinda off when it came to the sexual side of my life.
    I am a Pastor, and worked in a Rehab facility as a supervisor and still never ever could kick this. I thought my amazing wife
    would surely have this kicked, yet I didn't. It got so bad I nearly destroyed my marriage 20 years ago. I am still lost, but down to maybe once a week or so when I slip. Its hard and I can not tell you why. I used to drink allot, and stopped and have for over a decade. So I know how to stop and addiction, my wife is still amazing and attractive we still are intimate often. So why me?

    I can tell you, he will be me in just over 25 years. I never thought at 29 this would still linger. But it is.
    I am saying there is a chance he may end this, or it may be a life long issues, which almost always progress way beyond where they start. Seldom has anyone started PMO with a magazine, and ended 20years later doing the exact same thing. Infidelity is a true threat as well.

    I pray you find your way............me I am heading in the right direction, but still at times a day at a time.
     
  5. Based on your description, he is an addict. It is up to him to take responsibility for that and deal with it. It is not up to you to do so, and indeed, you cannot do the work for him. Recovery will take time and it will be difficult for him. It is up to you whether you want to stay through that time on the chance that he may recover. Most, I am afraid to say, do not.

    I am sorry this is the situation you find yourself in.
     
  6. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

    25
    13
    3
    Thank you Anxietydude for the candid reply. This is my fear. I came out of a 17 yr relationship because I was not happy. I am/was happy with him, but hate the way it makes me feel inside, I feel like I am resenting him for it. I hate that I feel i have to be intimate with him so he doesn't have to PMO, but it doesn't matter what I do. I feel cheated on.
     
    need4realchg and AnxietyDude like this.
  7. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

    25
    13
    3
    How does your wife feel about it today?
     
  8. GripStrength

    GripStrength Fapstronaut

    162
    129
    43
    Yeah sounds like he is just straight addicted! I couldn’t imagine needing porn with a hot gf beside me every night tbh. And I’m on this website! Maybe try to find real counselling for him, if he wants to stop of course.
     
    Amanda011 likes this.
  9. He sounds addicted to PMO. If you are willing to stick around then you need to support his recovery. And yes, emphasise that he needs to recover. If you don't want to stick around with an addict I don't blame you. It can be hard. And porn clearly makes you feel less important. In all honesty it's not too far off from cheating. So make your choice. Hope whatever happens works out for you.
     
    Amanda011 likes this.
  10. Or, you know, he can find counseling for himself, seeing as how he is a 29-yo man and not a child. :)
     
    Amanda011 likes this.
  11. GripStrength

    GripStrength Fapstronaut

    162
    129
    43
    Yeah of course, but she is obviously the one that cares about it more, and the one who is bothered by it.
     
  12. But he is the addict, and she cannot work his recovery for him. If he cannot be bothered even to seek help for himself, that is quite telling, don't you think?
     
    need4realchg and kropo82 like this.
  13. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

    69
    60
    18
    I appreciate your question, it has taken me putting in 85% and her putting in 15% to get where we are now.
    If not for her 15% I would not have made it to where I am. Not to justify it at all. But from 1998-2007 I was full into my addiction, and had gone as far as anywhere dare go. And in 1998 is when my marriage almost ended. Yes I am getting to your question.

    How she feels today, is she knows I am honestly struggling with it. But she also knows that I am not falling back into old behaviors.
    At my peak my addiction was several times a day and then other time spent searching for a better rush. quite pathetic if you ask me. But thats the addiction. I now the last several years have the occasional slip maybe twice a month. But it now doesn't interfere with any part of my life at all.
    I seldom ever spend any money where once it was in the 100's per month now every once in a while i'll spend 10.00 and then go why did I do that.
    So what did I do with all this extra time I now have? I started writing and publishing books. And spend every minute I have when she is home with her and we go out always together. I am filling my PMO time with other stuff so much so that I forget about the PMO and then go oh yea ... sounds dumb but thats the truth. She is no longer upset and feels bad, because she knows I am not spending hours alone, and when I have hours I am spending them with her. The problem is on days when I am alone and don't feel like writing, then I at times slip. It took allot of work and honesty not just with her, but with my self and stopping the lies and bullshit. Once I did that it was easier to deal with. I like my self now, even though I am struggling at times. I do not loath myself.
    She is amazing, and is happy and I am happy, but I joined here and well today I almost slipped saw this posting and said hey, I can hold my self accountable by being open here and maybe help someone too.
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  14. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

    69
    60
    18
    First and foremost there are two major issues PMO addict they lie and cheat.
    The first one may not see the worst, but it is. It make it allow worse and makes a person who already feel like crap, feel worse.

    If your relationship is last honestly must come first. Quitting is BS, if you can't rely on whether its true he is trying?
    Now trying means allot to an addict. He may say he is trying and only PMO a hour a day instead of two. I worked with addicts they are manipulative, sneaky bastards. I know I used to act just like that. My wife and I work on this because I am not a big fat liar, and that makes it possible. If I just kept lying that trust will burn up an die like a meteor hitting the atmosphere.

    No one can tell you to feel different. Depression, feeling un-wanted and mad at the same time seem to be normal.
    I hate what I put my wife thru, but I work each and every day to make sure she knows I love her and that I am
    doing what I said I am. I have it in my head to make this up to her the rest of her life. I wont ever accomplish this.
    But I wont ever let her feel unloved or cheated because of me. It will take him, making the first many moves before your part will ever matter.

    You know the really pathetic thing is that most guys would not stand by their lady if she had the same issue.
    I hate that double standard crap, but I see it all the time. He needs to stop the lies then, and only then is their a foundation to start from, if you are choosing that. I notice you said you are happy with him? But I didn't see the word love? ..... I hope you find peace..
     
    Amanda011 and Kiz Whalifa like this.
  15. GripStrength

    GripStrength Fapstronaut

    162
    129
    43
    Yes I think that is very telling. But also just didn’t want to insert my opinion in the type of way that might help convince someone to leave their significant other. But rather just suggest if she wants him to stop to maybe look into counselling for him, and maybe talk to him about that option.
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  16. You have a kind heart and a generous spirit. Thank you.
     
  17. James02

    James02 Fapstronaut

    There are resources for women whose partners have sexual addictions. It couldn't hurt to do a quick google search because you may be dealing with some partner trauma. On another note, it's an addiction. I imagine your partner loves you & cares very much. It's just a difficult addiction that he may be naïve to what's going on in his brain.

    If you choose to stay with him, for now, try to see if he will take the next best steps in dealing with his addiction? Examples would be...installing an accountability software (aka... Covenant Eyes)… filter software... or etc.? Would he be open to reading a book on porn addiction? Maybe a step further and see a counselor? If he is willing to change, things can improve!

    Best of luck, I'm rooting for you guys.
     
  18. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

    25
    13
    3
    Thank you for the reply. Yes I agree and yes it does make me feel less than and cheated on.
     
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  19. Amanda011

    Amanda011 Fapstronaut

    25
    13
    3
    Thank you for the reply. Yes I know he loves me and cares for me and other than this issue we have a great relationship, this is why I am not ready to give up, but a girl can only take so much.
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  20. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    302
    776
    93
    Amanda,

    This line says it all:

    "I failed classes because of this and not to mention my self esteem is shot. Other than his addiction, he is amazing."

    I will be blunt: it seems to me that by your own admission YOU have issues with self esteem, and focus. Your boyfriend cannot fix your problems by giving up PMO- only YOU can raise your self esteem, only YOU can go to your classes and focus on your studies and do your homework. Those things have nothing to do with how often he is jerking off.

    I've been married close to 10 years, and with my wife for close to 16 years, and I've struggled with porn addiction in many different aspects that entire time.

    Never, not one single time, can I recall my wife ever giving me an ultimatum to stop. She has supported my efforts to quit at MY request for help, but she has not told me it is something I owe her. Not when we were dating, not when we were married, not even when we had kids. And by the way, the kids masturbate, too. Not her problem.

    Never, not one single time, has my wife ever blamed my porn use for any weakness in our relationship or in her professional life. That would be projection.

    ------------------------------------

    Big caveat here; your boyfriend may have a major problem. I'm not writing this to argue otherwise.

    Porn addiction is a problem and it can be beaten. But only by somebody who wants to give it up in whole or in part because he or she recognizes the self-harm it causes. If you do it for someone else you will fail every time because really, it doesn't hurt anyone else unless they allow it to hurt them.

    We each need to learn to take responsibility for our own problems and emotions. And it seems to me that you are projecting your problems onto his habits. Confront your demons and let him confront his.
     
    need4realchg likes this.

Share This Page