In order to change you have to want it bad enough,to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Well let me start by my story, My parents lived at my grandparents I was born there, We got kicked out when i was seven guess they didnt like me nor my mom by the way i was exposed to porn during that time. Moved to this ghetto neighberhood,transferred from private school to shitty public school. Older kids would sexually assault younger kids verbally or physically, I remeber the first time in third grade someone tried to rape me,I basically fell into this paralyzing fear stayed home for a week in this fever and i cant move my body we did not press charges. My mom would work 12 hours everyday just to provide for us,While my dad who has Bipolar disorder(type 1)who is a porn and drug addict.he would just sit at home at not do shit.i just feel sorry for my mom most of the time. When i reached puberty i started watching porn do drugs,hanged out with the wrong crowed not going to school,barely attending,i just wanted to be a security guard,and get out of that place i called home. From age 13-17 i got into gay sex,drugs and alcohol no one was there for me, I guess i was playing this victim game or i was happy that im young and free did not care about the consequences. Then 2012 came around thinking that is going to be the end of the world That i should change repent and make a better life for myself or whatever I desperately wanted to change my own and family circumstances. Besides a lot of signs pointed out for me to change: 1-Me and my cousin were riding bikes at the street and get into a serious car accident. 2-They fired my dad from his job. 3-I failed in 4 subjects. 4-The love my life whom i dearly loved since i was 7,left with her parents to America,Yeah im from the middle east by the way my life is fucked up by default. And im muslim by the way you can imagine the shame,guilt,disgust i felt toward myself at a very young age. Ramadan 2012,I started praying for the first time in my life 5 prayers in the masjid and fasting reciting the quran i kept this streak for 27 days till i fucking relapsed at the end of ramadan at the day i found out that the girl i loved found this new crush(from facebook)but still were friends chat to one another. I cried so hard that day and i prayed for god to change me. And thank god he did(i felt this heavy weight lifted from my chest) i went for umrah and hajj that same year. At tenth grade my gpa was 81% it turned to 93% in eleventh grade. I just found this game i was addicted to called league of legends made new friends and started praying and beleiving in god more. Life was going in this direction which way awesome. I wanted to study in medical school cause my mom works in the hospital. But Sadly i got accepted to Dental School. I told my mom dont Worry i will transfer if get good grades and thank god i worked hard and got accepted. That same day i got accepted to medical school August 18,2016 My grandfather died from a heart attack at night he just suddely collapsed. I proposed to the love of my life at facebook in the morning she refused. That moment of complete euphoria and making my dreams possible were crushed by these two devastating events. Cause i changed for her,i went to med school for my mom i was motivated to do good for the people i cared most but now i lost it. I relapsed got back to the old stinking group of bad people i used to hang out with,one was recently released from jail for the possesion of drugs turned out he made a girl pregnant without marriage and he has twins and his younger than me. One was still in jail,one left the country and basically im in this fucking depresssed mood,cause medical school is hard im barely passing,cause my mind is tied up with these negtive past emotions and events current circumstances the only way to escape is smoke or masturbate.Thats how my mind is conditioned. May27,2017 I went to this threapist,after i started self-harm,having recurring thoughts of sucide that im a failure and shit cause i cant stop these addictions. He told me that i have bipolar like my dad which may cause self-harm,substance abuse,depression,sucide and shit. And my dad fucking hates me he used to beat me up and call me shit for no reason. Yes i know i gave up on change started beating myself up,thinking i will never change,but god says to those who have committed a lot of sins with disregard Don't lose hope in the mercy of god,god is the all merciful and kind. I want god to give that feeling of cleansing. I felt it before multiple times in my life back in 2012 and 2015-2016 when i was a Dental student i stopped my addiction for 5 month,I swear i was up the roof i felt invincible,then i relapsed sadly. November 26,2017 Went to jail 2 days for speeding,car was taken away, failed five subjects, parents got divorced. Tried to do umrah and pray nothing helped. Cause im waiting for a sign that things will get better and that is wrong you have to start now Or things will get worse. I may even start a youtube channel to document my journey. So this is me and im starting Now day one if i ever want to become a good doctor and surgeon. Yeah i bought books a bike and moved out to this mobile home to start fresh on my own without negative influence from my dad.
What can i say bro- it is a fucked up situation. But you know what? YOU can change your state at ANY time YOU want. You just need to want it hard enough and with a bit of luck, things WILL sort themselves out. It's beautiful that you believe in and pray to Allah. And know that he loves you too! Just let things sort themselves out and when all hope seems lost- pray and let that drive you onwards! Good luck! *And you really should document this journey!
