Wife is constantly triggered and feels we are in a companionship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Growing Man, Jul 29, 2019.

  1. Growing Man

    Growing Man Fapstronaut

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    She tells me I don't find her attractive when I do, that her self image is damaged. Because I found other woman attractive. That is like say a sunset must be ugly because I find a sunrise beautiful. Why do the 2 have to be correlated? Why can they both be beautiful? I am not say I should be looking at other woman it is a habit I want to break but just because one woman is attractive doesn't make my wife unattractive.
     
  2. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Because you spent hours upon hours visually feasting on other women and enjoying their attributes while you left your wife ALONE. Porn changes a man's desire for his wife, changes how he looks at her and changes how he sees her as a sexual being-and none of these changes benefit the wife. The research shows that men who consume pornography find their wives less attractive and less sexually desirable after one hour of viewing-can you imagine how years of viewing has affected how you see your wife. You have devalued your wife, and hurt her self esteem and her femininity. In a normal and healthy relationship a woman would not be threatened by her husband finding others attractive because the husband was NOT ADDICTED TO THEM. This is the difference. You are addicted to porn and the objectification of women. And you try to defend that you should be able to find other women attractive-I think once you move further along in your recovery you will see how damaging this attitude is.
     
  3. PaulPaul

    PaulPaul Fapstronaut

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    My wife was furious when I told her her I had a P addiction. I expected sympathy or support but got quite the contrary. Silly of me. It is now a year later and she fantasises about everything I have done during the addiction, like cheating, hookers, etcetera. I never did any of those things but trust has been damages so bad, issues keep popping up.

    So you are not alone. My current way to deal with it is to take the crap but not let it hurt or anger me. Talk at a better time. Be a calm and nice person to myself and those around me, including her.
     
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  4. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Do you mean honour her betrayal trauma and PTSD symptoms that you bestowed her with?
    I HIGHLY suggest that any man who has betrayed his wife (and those who are frustrated with the "crap" that she puts you through or any who get frustrated about his wife not healing fast enough) take a look at ALL these videos but in particular the ones on this page https://davidwever.com/trust-after-betrayal-lesson-one-understanding-the-intimate-betrayal-wound/ and this one: https://davidwever.com/trust-after-...g-out-100-ownership-of-the-intimate-betrayal/
    Better yet, watch them with your wife and she will finally feel a bit understood.
     
  5. Growing Man

    Growing Man Fapstronaut

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    We earned the fruits of out decisions
     
  6. PaulPaul

    PaulPaul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the link Sadgirl, I’ll watch it.

    Edit: about ‘take the crap’, I mean, listen but don’t argue. Perhaps I should choose my words better.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2019
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  7. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

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    Wow. That is a powerful statistic. And, sadly, makes a lot of sense of what I experienced when my husband was still active in addiction. Pornography really is horrible stuff :(
     
  8. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    I feel you are at similar stage as my husband and with similar mindset. And I think it's great. I think you will notice difference in some time. My husband was only addicted to porn and I knew all along that he watches and mostly what. Maybe not how exactly often and it was more often as I thought. I was never lied to. I think because of that I have a big advantage in damage done. And it hit me when he started reboot. All the emotions kept inside of me, especially flatline was for me kind of proof that it's not 'you are beautiful and they are beautiful' thing even he still stands so. The biggest difference is in how he looks. He doesn't feel that his love is better or that he loves me more or less. He doesn't feel that he is happier. He doesn't feel that he finds me more attractive. But he does all of it. Now he is about 4 months after starting, more or less 3 months after relapse. His work colleagues said seems to be happier and asks what happened. And after flatline is gone and I was naked some time later I felt for first time that he really likes what he sees. Not like hey, a naked woman but more like wow, you're beautiful now I see. It was about week ago. But the difference is that his emotions are more intense, or their expression is more intense although he says he doesn't feel it. What it also means he still finds other women attractive and it is much easier for me to catch him doing so cause he expresses it more unconsciously. And it was more intense before he noticed me naked. Perhaps you're not at the point where you can look with the look of wow, you're gorgeous.perhaps she focuses on your look on other and doesn't have enough focus to notice that the way you look at her changes.
    Don't tell her compliments, without the look it feels like lie. Not necessarily lie to wife but to yourself. The changes in your mind are slowly and you don't necessarily can notice it. It helps when you focus on her issues.
    My husband said last week two things that to some may feel cruel or without progress but that is difference for me. We were in other country, that we often were before. And he always said me that here are much more beautiful women. He always keep telling me I am 10, as obvious lie, we both know but he doesn't want to tell real number... With some tricks I think he sees me something between 5-8 which I think is completely fine. Anyways he always told me something like 'only here you go from 10 to 9'. And now he spontaneously said... 'I think you're the only person for me who doesn't change the number here'.

    The second thing is... Until now I feel he did sex with me, cause he enjoyed it or cause he loved me and did me 'presents' of good sex or enjoyed that I enjoyed it. And now he starts to be interested if I enjoy it ... unconditional. Don't know if you get it what I mean.
    And it is all really new and from what I read here... He is not the heavy addict. He started it in adult life and not in or before puberty and had some sex before it, was socially active, also no phisical problems. Still needed 4 months that he got some changes other than lack of mood swings. And I feel it's only begin.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2019
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  9. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is terrible :( I am so sorry that you are here and that it has affected you and your marriage too. Have you looked at fightthenewdrug.com ? Lots of good info there.
     
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  10. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much Sadgirl. I'm so sorry you've experienced this too, and for all the pain you've gone through :( I haven't heard of that website, I'll check it out now, thanks very much!! I'm so glad I finally joined this forum, the insights and advice of other SOs are helping so much already!
     
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  11. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I think it is really important for both SOs and PAs to discuss and learn differnt viewpoints-I am very grateful for this forum.

    Can you please describe what you mean here?

    I just want to challenge this-as it stands I bet your wife feels like she was replaced by other women who had everything that she did not have.
     
  12. hope4healing

    hope4healing Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Do you mean sexual release from PMO involved many emotions, wants and needs?
     
  13. chonky

    chonky Fapstronaut

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    Put the big boy pants on and show her who the boss is.
     
  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    You gave her the friend experience, while the other women got the sexual you. That's why she is emotionally crushed.

    Please read:
    https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&sou...aw00F2O87W761PLCWmQjyVIm&ust=1564648442409245
     
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  15. hope4healing

    hope4healing Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    i don't think it's actually too complicated...they're completely separate things. From PMO you get the massive dopamine hit without the hassle of emotions, fear of rejection, etc. From your wife, you get the emotional connection and intimacy that P can never give you but without the overload of dopamine. You'll never get that same hit with her, and that's what keeps most addicts going back to the addiction. It's good that you are able to realize there are things that you can only get from your wife and not from P. Many PA's fail to see that, IMO.
     
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  16. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    It is interesting how PAs will friend-zone their own wives and girlfriends, and then wonder why she doesn't consider that a good deal for herself.
     
  17. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    Cool story, bro. I can create a list of totally non-sexual things too!

    ... prune rosebushes with them, go to the amusement park with them, do taxes with them, talk on the porch with them, search for the prize in Cracker Jacks with them, groom the dog with them, volunteer at the library with them, watch television with them, go to the voting polls with them....

    Do you even know what sex or sexual energy is?
     
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  18. I have said those exact words to my man, about being companions or room mates. I have also had to experience being triggered just by being outside. It’s a very painful place to be.
    For some reason so many men quit watching porn and expect their wife to be over it. If only it were that easy. If I brought up a trigger he would assume I am trying to punish him by reminding me he’s quit. I knew he stopped watching it but I still felt last place.
    An example of why I get triggered... about 8 months after he quit (with one relapse) he asked me to marry him. I said yes. Those 8 months I could really see a difference in him and was thrilled to be getting married. Then came a trickle of information (please don’t ever do this!!! Full disclosure please!)..he told me he has a problem with ogling. When we go out for dinner dates he would mentally undress and fantasize about women. This wasn’t so much a jealousy issue for me, it was more self hate. How could I be so F-ing stupid!? I would spend an hour on my hair and makeup, put on a beautiful dress so I could feel attractive and sexy for him and he was eyeing other women!?!? Yay you’ve quit the porn and pretended everything was great and asked me to marry you BUT you knew you were ogling women still! (I’ve taken the ring off and don’t think I’ll wear it -it’s tainted now) now because of this information I am hyper vigilant. I am still last place! I make myself as beautiful as I can for my man and he would rather look at anyone else. There are plenty of men who would feel lucky to have me and I chose the one guy who must think I am plain and boring looking.
    When he tells me he loves me I get this tight feeling in my chest. Those words are the biggest load of bull I’ve ever heard. He told me he loved me for so long and would ignore my advances only to sneak off and watch the women he liked better. He told me he loved me and would blame his PIED on drinking too much, knowing it was because he just jerked off, he would tell me he loved me when I got dolled up for dinner but he was fantasizing about the waitress or woman behind me. He didn’t love me, he loved having a woman at home to cook him dinner, he loved having a woman who was a good mother, he loved having a woman who paid the bills on time, he loved coming home to a clean home, he loved my bank account (without me he’d never have the lifestyle he has now) I feel like a roommate.

    Please understand that her triggers are very real. I hope my man never has to feel what it feels like because it’s agony. Every time we go out for dinner now I’m uncomfortable. My mind wonders “should I just go in sweatpants and a Tshirt because he could care less anyways or should I dress classy/sexy?- dressing classy/sexy makes me feel good about myself but if he is caught looking at a woman I’m going to feel much worse because I put in all that effort for nothing” constant negative thoughts about myself all because of what this man did. It sucks.
    I am triggered everyday because of an event that is still 2 months away. Everyday I have anxiety, and cry because of something that hasn’t even happened yet! In 2 months we’re going to Jamaica for a wedding. I should be excited! Years ago I would have been thrilled, I used to love to travel. Now all I can think about is the half naked women on the beach. I’ve voiced my pain to my man and he just keeps telling me that we are going to have a good time. No shit Sherlock! You’re going to have an amazing time with all the tits and ass everywhere. What I’m trying to convey is that your wife isn’t being triggered to annoy you- this is very real. This is NOTHING about her being jealous that you find other women attractive as you’ve said above- this is because she was loyal and loving and thought you were the same. To many women of porn addicts -porn IS cheating. You hid this addiction and lied to cover it up. She likely feels it is her fault. If only she was prettier, sexier, thinner etc. You wouldn’t be watching it.
    One thing that I WANT so badly from my man is to be desired. As a woman I will tell you the difference between sex with a man who is addicted to porn and sex with a man who doesn’t watch it that often.... sex with the addict feels cheap. It lacks eye contact, it lacks passion, it lacks connection. It feels as if your body is just a masturbation tool for his pleasure, it makes you feel used after. Sex with a man who isn’t addicted to porn is completely different. There is real desire, you can see it in his eyes, there is passion, it’s about pleasure for both partners, it leaves you feeling closer. When I told my man I felt like roommates we were still haven’t sex- it was the type above- I longed for passion and raw excitement.

    I think you should start reading the women’s journals to get a better understanding of what she is going through. It would be MUCH easier for a woman to divorce the addict. She chose to stay by your side knowing that you’ve got this addiction and knowing how difficult it is to quit- sure you’ve quit now but how does she know in 3 years you won’t be back to the lies? She is choosing to stand my your side even though doing so hurts her to her core. She’s choosing to believe in you when all the statistics tell her to run, she’s deep in the rabbit hole of self doubt, betrayal trauma and confusion because she loves you. We don’t stay with our men because it’s easy. It would be much easier for me to dump him, find a man who shows me how much he loves and desires only me, and put this crap behind me- but I believe in my man. I love him. I know he is better than this addiction. The day he no longer validates my pain, the day he tells me to just get over it is the day I’m done.
     
  19. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    The thing is you try now to go the right path. Most pa need few years or months of 'bitching' from so that they don't like that. They need so long to understand that it is not a good deal for her. And there are a lot of posts like ' I watched p for 10 years, now I am sober for 4 weeks but my so is still living in the past, why can't she move on, I've changed'. They really don't see how bad is the deal beeing friendzoned. Even friendzoned with benefits. Like a benefit of having kids.
    And that is another deal with kids. You need her for kids and raising them, not for sex. You choose one that benefits you and say, yep my project family co-worker, I need to take care of you (medical issues, financial, raising kids) so our project succeed. I need your uterus, some of your character and your health so you can take care of the kids. Rest of you is not that relevant for me or for the project, so whatever.
    At least I feel it really heavy. I am really not sure if he would stay with me and make effort for the relationship if we didn't plan kids. He started reboot soon after our son was born. As he noticed that he consumes time. That he doesn't have time for work, sleep, helping me with the kid and pmo. It wasn't for me. What if I would be infertile? Than I would be probably only friend?
    So yeah, it feels like being friendzoned with benefits of uterus.
    So he keeps saying that I am the most important and he wants future with me and the relationship is important and he wants to have sex with me and have a great relationship with me.
    From my perspective is more like - I like you and I think I will be happy with you, when it will be possible than I would like to share the happiness and give it also to our children but the most important we are there for each other and if it doesn't work, whatever, I want to be with you.
     
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  20. Growing Man

    Growing Man Fapstronaut

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    Friend zone it is totally like that in so many ways I never thought of that perspective but it is like friend zoning the wife in many ways.
     
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