Wife of a pmo

I hate it but in time you will hopefully start to feel differently. It was 12/12 for me and I am only now starting to get out of that anxiety filled pain I was stuck in for months. I was in the grip of a near constant panic attack for at least 2 months. It has lessened recently but still comes and goes. Time and both of us opening up and talking is what is helping me. We communicate and I see positive changes in him. But sometimes there is too much damage. Only you can decide that.

 

It fascinates me everyone is so sure its ONLY the mans fault - always. As if the marriage is not about both persons.

Also, if the tread opener does not understand, what the post:

"28 years of marriage and you give him 60 days"...

Implies, than theres something bad here, and it aint the man

 

That's because in our experience the porn addiction was not down to anything lacking in our wives, but was our own problem (often dating from before we met or married them).

I don't think that is what @Merovingian was implying. I took him to mean that rescuing a marriage of 28 years is worth more than a 60 day try.

I think that in 60 days the OP would get a sense of how committed her husband was to trying to recover. Sure, he won't be fixed, but is she would know if he was committed to trying.

 

Im constructing

Why your man started to PMO after 23 years of marriage all of sudden? What you did to stay atractive to him - are yoz excercising, going outside, having your life? What you did so your sex life is not boring? Were you up for the things he came up.with or you send him somewhere?
Were you using sex against him - aka no sex today because this and that? Have you gained a lots of weight during your marriage?

You think those are not valid concerns? Why so?

Everybody just automatically things everything is a mans fault. Like the 5hings I question do not happen. I dont agree with this consensus at all - thus im always attacked when I rise this question. Well, im used to not being up with a majority, so no biggie for me. Feel free to kick, it does not bother me.

 

@Epic Fight

What your doing is not constructive, it is attacking an SO while defending a PA. I understand the point you are trying to make but the way you are making it is destructive. The same questions can be asked to a PA, "What have I done so my wife will want to sleep with me. "What have I done to make my wife upset today" Have I been providing the necessary attention to make my wife feel wanted." An SO that just found out that her husband has been lying to her for several years and does not need to be blamed. If the concerns need to be brought up then they should be brought up by a professional. You just like myself are here on this site because we are addicts. We are not qualified to give advice and we have no right to say that an SO may be at fault. I came to this site for support and to know that others are going through a similar situation. SO's come to this site for the same reason, to understand and find support not to have someone judge her and make her feel like this could be he fault. If those kinds of questions need to be brought up then they should be brought up by someone who is a qualified therapist, not someone who comes to this site for support as well. I as a PA do not need you to defend my actions. My SO is not to blame. I am! I am the one that chose to lie and turn to Porn instead of talking to her about my feelings. A PA blaming an SO for not staying attractive is a major form of denial and extremely unhealthy behavior. I have accepted that I am at fault for my actions and have have no desire to pass judgment on someone seeking help and support. If you truly believe your thoughts need too be shared then share them in your own thread. Not in a thread of someone who is opening up and seeking a little guidance. I do not know where you are in your recovery or if you have an SO yourself, but I can not imagine why you feel the need to make an SO feel like this is her fault. Especially one that has had her life turned upside down only a month ago. I ask that you apologize to her and any SO reading these posts or simply take your thoughts to another thread. I do hope that you recover yourself and can beat this monster we call PMO. But I also hope you realize how damaging your words can be to someone who is going through this trauma.


@bitter taste in my mouth

Please do not be deterred by his comments. This site is for support for SO's as well as PA's. I have been a PA for much of my married life. I can not begin to understand how SO's feel. Betrayal trauma is something I am still learning about but it is not something that is easy to overcome. I hope you find what you need here on NoFap and continue to seek guidance not only from sites but also from professionals who specialize in Sex Addiction and Trauma. I wish you and your husband luck in your recovery.

 

This sounds just like what my SO is going through. I am trying my hardest through my journey. I keep finding that there are new hurdles to jump trough and i'm jumping best i can, not sure i can make it to the end but giving it all i can. I could not consider my life without my SO (not ending my life) as i am truly in love and my addiction has been with me since adolescence. I had never been told by friends or my past wife it was unacceptable and find this journey hard. The Suicide threats are underhanded and you should not feel you need to stay for that. Your conscience needs to be clean on whatever decision you reach. I am watching a lot of Doug Weiss videos on you tube which are helping. These are helpful for both parties but would be good for him to understand you and what he has done and still doing.

I wish you every luck on your journey and happiness on the decision you make. Thank you for your post.

 

Seconded in every possible way. Thanks @MovingFoward86.

 

With all due respect this kind of attitude in society sickens me. When our baby came into our life, I was engrossed with it. I was working a crazy busy job during the day, slept nearby the baby and would wakeup if the baby moved before the SO woke. So that she slept well and can take care of the baby during the day time. I was also making dude rhe MIL slept all night, and was protecting her from her daughter exploiting her obviously my SO loved me for all that.

But on the intimacy side she abandoned me. It didn't matter in the beginning.

But her obsession with the baby stayed for years to come. I slowly realized my time is over and now it is all the kid. There are details I am leaving out.

It is every day to day detail, all her passion, attention, intimacy was with the kid. After communicating several times I moved on to be independent.

My PMO happened after that. PA happened only because I didn't even know it can addict me.

I am not saying the SO is totally responsible. But rather I would say SO contributed. If at all reconcile with SO I want to do that in front of a professional counselor.

Sorry for venting out in your thread... But generalizing PA as solely man's fault it immoral.

 

That explains your position - thank you. I know it was very different for me (and for many of the guys I follow here). We were into porn long before our children came along: it is definitely our fault. But your experience is different, that makes sense now.

What's this bit mean?

 

Sorry... I was also making sure the mother in law slept all night. Because she was taking care of the mother and child all day. If I don't protect my MIL my SO will make her overbear. My intention of stating it was, my SO wasn't thoughtful about her mom either. She was addicted (brain wiring, harmones, chemistry) to the child.

Note: I had seen porn before the child. My SO always knew. She didn't mind. But the PMO happened several months after the kid. And I didn't hide my PMO either.

 

@kropo82 I request you read this post is possible

We need a movement to regulate porn

 

Regardless of what your wife was doing or not doing, YOU made the choice to seek out PMO to the point of addiction instead of seeking out marital counseling or individual counseling or to redirect your energy elsewhere. YOU made the decision to escalate your PMO use when you felt abandoned and decided that your "needs" weren't being met. That is no one's responsibility but your own. There were a lot of other ways you could have dealt with what was going on in your marriage, and you chose that one. That is not your wife's fault. Your wife is ONLY responsible for devoting more time to your child than to you. She owns that. The actions you chose when she did that belong solely to you. You own those. Do not blame your wife for you choosing to betray your marriage bed.

 

@EyesWideOpen.
I agree, as a PA we must own our addiction to heal.

@bitter taste in my mouth

I have found that being honest with my SO was not where I needed to start. After she caught me with porn I admitted to many things. Not all at once mind you, but over time. However it took about a month to realize that to be completely honest with her, I had to first be honest with myself. Now we have started healing together. We started watching some podcasts together. Some of them have been tough to watch but they have forced us to have conversations that needed to be had. I am not sure how much your husband has put into getting better but I just thought if you were looking for some where to start that his may be a good place. I hope it helps. www.betrayedaddictedexpert.com

 

WOW!
Firstly before my PA, I expressed several times. I went to counselling to cope. The counselor suggested marriage counselling. We did three weeks. Due to my work pressure, logistics I didn't schedule further.

 

WOW! You are prejudiced. You don't have the picture of my situation but yet making judgments. Fyi this is why I want to reconcile with my SO I front of a professional counselor.

You are totally wrong