Will the sadness end?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by recoverychap, Jun 24, 2021.

  1. recoverychap

    recoverychap Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone,
    I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the years.
    I will try to make this brief. I was raised a Roman Catholic, I believed so much in my faith that I wanted to be a priest, until I discovered that I am Homosexual man.
    I prayed at least 3 times a day for God to remove my this from me. I had no sexual attraction to women only to men and no matter what I did this was fundamental and would not (and cannot) change. So in acknowledging this I had to relinquish my calling to the cloth. I'm not very close to my family so my belief was all I had and when I lost my faith in the church (not necessarily my belief in the true connection of everything beyond thought and physical form etc- whatever you label it, is cool by me, some call that God, Allah, Jehovah etc) I lost my connection with the devine. As I grew so did my sadness, for years I did what the majority of people do and I filled that void with noise, TV, weed, drink, smoking, pornography and sex. Fast forward - I have been with my partner now for 20 years and I have never slept around, it's just not my thing. I want that connection to be sacred. Over lockdown I have given up drinking, I gave up smoking and weed a few years before that and now for the first time in my adult life I am giving up pornography and anything that doesn't align me with where I feel I need to be spiritually speaking because I know that, those releases so to speak, just leave me feeling empty. There is a big age gap between my partner and I and we haven't been able to be fully intimate in about 5 years, so that connection has been lost but we still love each other very deeply and express our love in different ways. He still uses porn when I'm not around and I have had diffiulties dealing with that but I know that this has been tough on him and his relationship with porn is a different one to mine, our journeys are intertwined but they are not the same journey. But my question is now that I do not have that intimacy which I desperatley crave and I'm not giving into the illusion of porn or substances to help me deal with my loneliness, will I always just feel this sad, it's always been there and I have spent almost 30 years with a heavy heart. I am an open and honest man with love at the centre of my existance, I want to be the best person I can be, not for a religious dogma, but for what feels right - but surely this emptiness and sadness has to end somewhere.
     
  2. Did you try professional help?
     
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  3. ArazzoDiGiada

    ArazzoDiGiada Fapstronaut

    I really enjoyed reading your post.
    I have been raised as a Roman Catholic too and, after I have been away from faith for more than a year (maybe two), I recently started going again to Church and praying. My homosexuality was one of the reason I stayed away from it but I felt something was missing.
    I have an underlying sadness too, very often, but I'm starting to understand that maybe we have a distorted view of happiness. You don't have to get rid of that feeling, try to accept it for what it is.
    I also believe you are very lucky to have someone you love by your side. Try to share with him your feelings.

    Best of luck! :)
     
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  4. recoverychap

    recoverychap Fapstronaut

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    I have had Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy for my mild tourettes and will be getting an assesment for ADHD in august. I have had counselling over the years also. So all of that has got me this far and I'm now confronting the route cause of my behavior which is the loneliness and having to realise it may never go away but maybe that is just something that I have to love with and embrace the moments when it's not there (so much) perhaps. I am very lucky to have a supportive partner who listens and we've been together for such a long time that we can talk about most things. It's difficult as it is beyond his means to control what is going on for him with his body and age and it would be so easy to blame myself or my age etc etc but this is all intellectual, it doesn't address the deep feeling of grief and loss , it simply acknowledges it. I can't go back I only must go forward but I feel like this trying sometimes feels futile, I sometimes wonder maybe we are just animals. It's not that I specifically want happiness, it's more that - I don't want this feeling of an empty existance. I make art, music and I write - I am very VERY creative - I meditate twice a day which gives me some relief, that and cold showers (wim hof technique) .... what is at the other end of this challenge. I would love to be the carefree playful boy I once was, in awe with creation and not seeking for the pain of loneliness to go away. It's like a background static - I have been suicidal in the past, but I'm not now - I just want to feel connected, that I have meaning and purpose, that my life may have some sort of meaning - otherwise I may as well be a Niahlist, perhaps I'm just a romantic with a distorted view.
     
  5. recoverychap

    recoverychap Fapstronaut

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    yes I have had CBT and Counselling, also getting an asessment around ADHD in august
     
  6. I would suggest it may simply feel this way, or that one may be unconscious of the connection. As you may be aware some would say that is not possible so long as you exist.

    There is also the perspective that some experiences of sadness and grief is actually spiritual and sacred in itself, and in my experience and the description of many others it can become a kind of bitter sweet quality that actually has to do with an open heart. I forget the exact expression but it's something like a sacred dissatisfaction, which is of course different than a depressive sadness where you perceive that's all there is. And of course there's everything in between, and by the fact that you are posing this question I'd imagine you are aware there is more on some level perhaps.

    Two questions: How do you feel about nature, and how do you feel about the mystics? I don't even know much about it but in spite of being primarily interested in Eastern teachings I have been deeply touched by what little I know of the Christian mystics, Marguerite Poretes Mirror of Simple Souls in particular stands out for me.
     
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  7. recoverychap

    recoverychap Fapstronaut

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    The more I am in touch with nature and do things like grounding I feel calmer and believe it is all part of my spiritual practice. I was brought up in the city but now split my time between a small village in the countryside and also a big city.Interestingly I feel more alone in the countryside than I do in the city. I do not know much about the Christian mystics, I am very interested in finding out more about Christian Orthodox faith at the moment, but I have always had a deep interest in Theology. I will look up Marguerite - thank you
     
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  8. ArazzoDiGiada

    ArazzoDiGiada Fapstronaut

    I will say something that may sound stupid. When did this start? Because me, some friends of mine, and many people on this planet, are suffering the psychological effects of this pandemic and of the lockdown.
     
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  9. recoverychap

    recoverychap Fapstronaut

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    I have had this all of my life - I was happier in lockdown. I feel more pressured when the world is doing it's usual thing TBH. The more I am supposed to be interacting with people the more I feel disconnected.
     
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  10. BRO, wake up. I don't care what religion you're from. You must know GOD loves you. You're just not awake. Can you believe that after stopping porn.. after 3 years I started experiencing sexuality again towards women? You're believing you're homosexual that's why you're stuck. You're full of sadness, anxiety and depression! there's something that causes that to you.. Is anything in your past still haunts you? *PORN REWIRES YOUR BRAIN*. IT TAKES years to reappear again the REAL YOU.
     
  11. recoverychap

    recoverychap Fapstronaut

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    I have never been attracted to women, not once, in my 43 years on earth I have never had sexual feelings for a woman. That was way before porn was even a thing in my life. My first experiences of porn were all straight which didn't do anything for me - except if men were involved. I am Homosexual - I went through hell for years denying it, the pain in denying a vital part of who you are causes a lot of trauma. Being told by my church that I was evil because of how I felt left me suicidal and that had nothing to do with God, why would God make me only attracted to men and then test me so much to the point that I'd consider taking my own life. The only way out of that situation was acceptance and healing. I'm out of my depression, there was always a sadness even before I had any sort of sexual feelings at all. A lack of place in the world, a feeling of not being wanted, not enough. That is underlying everything even beyond my sexual impulses.
     
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  12. I've tried to help but I've deleted the new posts as it may disturb you. It seems that you don't need a help on this topic because you've decided who you are. You're here questioning yourself about everything. I wish you the best of luck in your life. Good luck!
     
  13. recoverychap

    recoverychap Fapstronaut

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    This is not a decision I have made. I prayed for a decade for not to have the feeling I have towards men - 3 times a day and my attraction to my own sex is just there. This in no way for me was a choice or decision. But thank you for your well wishes.
     
  14. Iohannes

    Iohannes Fapstronaut

    Sorry for coming here but I search for people who look into Orthodoxy often and your posts came up. I have a group for inquirers, believers, catechumens, and so on... think about joining if you wish.

    https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?groups/orthodox-christian-fapstronauts.81/

    I also read of your "inclination". Know that all has a purpose for us, and there is no judgement for a mere sentiment or desire, not at all. What matters is what we do.
    Cheers.
     
  15. recoverychap

    recoverychap Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for inviting me, oddly enough I am interested in Orthodoxy and have recently ordered a book on it. There is a church in my area and I went looking for it last week. I have sent a request to join the group.
     
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