Hello everyone, I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the years. I will try to make this brief. I was raised a Roman Catholic, I believed so much in my faith that I wanted to be a priest, until I discovered that I am Homosexual man. I prayed at least 3 times a day for God to remove my this from me. I had no sexual attraction to women only to men and no matter what I did this was fundamental and would not (and cannot) change. So in acknowledging this I had to relinquish my calling to the cloth. I'm not very close to my family so my belief was all I had and when I lost my faith in the church (not necessarily my belief in the true connection of everything beyond thought and physical form etc- whatever you label it, is cool by me, some call that God, Allah, Jehovah etc) I lost my connection with the devine. As I grew so did my sadness, for years I did what the majority of people do and I filled that void with noise, TV, weed, drink, smoking, pornography and sex. Fast forward - I have been with my partner now for 20 years and I have never slept around, it's just not my thing. I want that connection to be sacred. Over lockdown I have given up drinking, I gave up smoking and weed a few years before that and now for the first time in my adult life I am giving up pornography and anything that doesn't align me with where I feel I need to be spiritually speaking because I know that, those releases so to speak, just leave me feeling empty. There is a big age gap between my partner and I and we haven't been able to be fully intimate in about 5 years, so that connection has been lost but we still love each other very deeply and express our love in different ways. He still uses porn when I'm not around and I have had diffiulties dealing with that but I know that this has been tough on him and his relationship with porn is a different one to mine, our journeys are intertwined but they are not the same journey. But my question is now that I do not have that intimacy which I desperatley crave and I'm not giving into the illusion of porn or substances to help me deal with my loneliness, will I always just feel this sad, it's always been there and I have spent almost 30 years with a heavy heart. I am an open and honest man with love at the centre of my existance, I want to be the best person I can be, not for a religious dogma, but for what feels right - but surely this emptiness and sadness has to end somewhere.