Wrestling with a fetish all my life

Stresses causing temptation again. Funny thing is, not from what I'd expected.

But if a tough day managing parents care but got through it.

In parallel I've been arranging a fun day out with church friends coming up soon. Something I hadn't expected had complicated those plans somewhat and it's frustrated me. I want to blame others, though I know I shouldn't. The complications that have arisen are for valid reasons and also because I had been a bit too assuming of somebody. My bad.

But it's hard not to feel frustrated. Now I'm being over it when I should be getting to sleep.

Temptation to masturbate in order to calm myself down skyrocketed. It passed, but it was a strong surge nonetheless.

 

Thanks both The issue that came up in itself shouldn't have been a trial really, but in the face of my wider trials I see such matters completely out of proportion. The enemy was tempting me into more than just PMO but unrighteous anger and just general childishness. Did some push-ups to release the tension before trying to get to sleep which worked.

Still, unhelpful thoughts have been strong lately and while I haven't given into them I've entertained them enough through thought alone to consider it a "grey area", so I think I will reset my counter on this basis. The reset before that was an MO and frankly there have been a few grey areas since, which I keep telling myself I will count from but never get round to resetting.

I also still have a habit of touching myself in response to stress or deep thought when I'm alone, even though I wouldn't consider it masturbation since most of the time it's not sexually motivated/triggered. But it's still grey and still needs to stop, and I want to hold myself to a higher standard than I did before.

On a more positive note, I've noticed that even in Summer when temptations are greater in number, my eyes don't stray as much as they used to. Keeping my eyes on a woman's face if I am to look at her at all is becoming more automatic. It is not perfect though. The double-takes are still happening, just less frequently.

 

Decided to reset the counter again a few days back, but didn't get round to posting here. No PMO but I'm not happy with how I reacted to a bondage scene in a movie.

I was cooking while watching it and not watching in that much detail. I wasn't even that turned on by it even though the actress was attractive. But I couldn't help but look her up on Wikipedia to learn more about her and what other films she's been in. Even though the scene "wasn't that good" (speaking as the sin in me), deep down I wanted to be able to see her in other films in the knowledge that she'd joined the club of actresses who have received "the full treatment".

There's something about knowing a woman has been tied up that makes me more aroused when I see her even not in bondage. The other day I entertained that by doing this background check. Ultimately this sin has roots in the mind regardless of whether I PMO, and I took action to feed the evil in my mind. So, "grey area" counter reset time.

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In other news, bureaucracy at work is getting me a bit worked up, but my self control with respect to work-life balance has helped me move on past it for now... until tomorrow at least!

 

I have to give a long presentation this week to up to 200 people. Nerves are getting to me, exacerbated by various other responsibilities and commitments.

I know I can handle the presentation when it's time to do it. The problem is that the weight of everything on my mind is making me want to lose myself to some kind of temporary release such as PMO can offer. Again it's my mind more so than my sexual organs that are the source of this craving.

Doesn't help that the event I'm at is in a big city in the middle of summer. Tourists out and about means more people. Summer heat means few clothes.

It's all helping me appreciate even more something I already knew: that the "I'll quit PMO when life is less stressful" excuse just doesn't work. Not only does life inevitably get more stressful, but even if you do quit during an easy period of life, your mind is only trained to resist during a time of calm. When stress comes back, regardless of whether it's more or less stressful than your toughest experience so far, one's mind simply isn't prepared to deal with triggers in such a state if the mental defence mechanism only knows calm.

In any case we don't know what trials will be thrown at us. Maybe we'll be hit with a degenerative disease. Maybe we'll get PTSD. Anything could happen to our minds and we simply cannot be prepared for every outcome.

This fits with what @CPilot says a few posts up - we have to trust this to God. To think we are safe based purely on what we have endured so far is foolishness.

 

Talk went well thanks, and lots of follow-up discussions after. You’re right, there never is much justification to any fears of something going wrong, yet somehow my instincts never want to believe it! I remind myself that there is no precedent to any of my own talks going wrong – whether a minor complaint or relentless abuse I can’t think of a single presentation that has led to a negative reaction. I’ve only ever seen a handful of other talks descend into argument and it’s usually because of wounded pride (an audience member being frustrated the presenter hasn’t cited their own related work or something). I was even recommended as a speaker in this instance and I had to remind myself that I wouldn’t have been invited to speak if I couldn’t pull it off. And as you say, people want the talk to go well. Yet fear always finds some excuse to believe that each next talk will be the exception!

I get scared of people interrupting to ask questions but actually I think I’m beginning to realise that it is helpful. The nature of the question usually reflects the extent to which the audience understand. So if they do understand it’s an encouragement, and if they don’t understand it helps you adjust your approach as you go. So in this case it was very helpful and motivated me to keep going for the hour or so I needed to present. When less time is allocated I still find interruptions frustrating though as it’s usually very difficult to condense the subject matter into 10-15 minute slots!

I was actually pretty calm as the time to present got closer. As always it’s the anticipation that’s the real problem.

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I’m still not pleased with the directions my temptations were taking me though, both before and after (I’ll come back to after!). I know I’m forgiven and I can forgive myself, but it was really eye-opening to see how much I wanted to dive back into my own ways purely to run away from my fear and into a “happy place”. I’m glad I overcame this and reminded myself it wasn’t necessary to escape in this way, but it’s really made me more aware of my weaknesses. The desire to give in purely to flood my brain with happy chemicals was tangible and had strong appeal.

After the talk, when relief had set in, there was still a mental desire to indulge! Ideas and thoughts from the temptations driven by fear still lingered, and there was a desire to “reward myself” for getting through the week. I guess there’s a lot of unused adrenaline running through my system. My brain wants to do something with those residual stress hormones that the ordeal had left me with.

Anyway, there’s been no PMO or other indulgences since and I’m much more calm.

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The temptations have also made me consider something else I’ve been pondering lately, and that is the reality of what it really will mean to commit to one woman in marriage

When I look at other women lustfully knowing I will only ever be able to commit to one, the sin in me gets frustrated. “It’s unfair! All those nice bodies going to waste!”. Of course, even if I’m single it’s still sinful for me to lust over them.

Again none of these thoughts are new revelations, but somehow the intensity of my temptations and my stress levels this past week really amplified my frustration with respect to what it truly means to not commit adultery and to commit to either one woman or no women at all. The animal in me is not happy about this at all.

My sinful mind collects a sort of mental harem. When I was weaker I would see an attractive woman and commit her to memory to fantasise about more in the future. My sinful nature is frustrated by the very idea that I’m not even allowed to do that, let alone tie them up and/or have sex with them.

I know this all goes back to the animal instinct to spread one’s seed. God has called us to be better than the animals, and by his Spirit He makes this possible and is changing us more and more, not only to be less like the animals but more like Christ!

 

MO'd this morning.

The dating app I used resets suggestions at a particular time in the early hours of the morning. I also have a habit of waking up in the middle of the night, and if I do my curiosity to check the app gets the better of me.

I filter suggestions to Christians only, and most photos are pretty modest, but not all, so it can be triggering at times.

I never masturbate to any of the pictures, the issue is more that it can put lustful thoughts into my mind so that when I stop looking at the app, my imagination at that early hour of the morning when I'm not quite awake gets carried away (which can happen without looking at anything).

I did fall asleep again but then had a dream about PMO, so woke up even more triggered and then MO'd to my thoughts.

Still, it was a conscious decision to do so, so without doubt that's a reset.

Last time I MO'd it was because of this same app. I did stop myself checking it in the morning for a while, sometimes even forgetting to check it at all. But clearly I got complacent. Back to not checking it until I'm out of bed and completely lucid.

 

I think I see what you're getting at. If you're suggesting deleting the app, I don't want to do it just yet. I'm setting myself a rule now where I don't check dating apps until a certain time of the day, a time at which I'm always out of bed. Both apps I used are very good at filtering, I mostly encounter Godly, Christian women through them and frankly it's probably the way I'm most likely to meet a future partner at the moment. I have also made some good connections through this app and even though I never went on to enter relationships with them they've remained friends. Most of the profiles I see are perfectly fine and it's just a few that are unhelpful. It's rarely been a problem and was just very bad timing in this incident last week.

The fantasies in my mind when I awaken, with or without visual stimuli, remain just as powerful though. Even since enforcing my new rule I keep playing with myself in the morning lately (including this morning, so I will reset the counter again) based on thought alone. No O, but I nonetheless consider this a setback.

The problem is I find thinking about my fantasies so easy. I realise I need to train myself to do the same for the items listed in Philippians 4:8. So another new rule when I find myself half-awake too early (or indeed any time) in the morning is to immediately use that time to review scripture I have committed to memory, or stories in the Bible I know well (i.e. summarising the stories in my head). I like to practice memory exercises anyway for all sorts of things, but it's time to get back to doing this more with scripture.

I do read my Bible with my breakfast, actually, and have done for a very long time. But now if I'm awake enough I'll try to do this before even the memory exercises. Either way, I need to make Scripture, and all the good that God has done, the first things on my mind when I wake up at whatever time.

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I've also been trying to figure out more about my inner child lately. I've been reading "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw. It's not a Christian book and some of his observations aren't backed up in the way I as a scientist would like them to be! But the reading thus far is overall helpful, and helping me to ask some questions and make observations I hadn't before.

What's really struck me is his commentary on how we may try to avoid feeling by constantly thinking. I very much am a thinker, and I struggle to understand my own feelings. I'm starting to ask if any events in my childhood may have make me want to avoid confronting my feelings, and although I can safely say I wasn't abused in any way (that I remember at least), I can think of numerous times where my expression of emotion was met with others just making it worse. In a nutshell, people made me feel bad for expressing sadness or fear.

What does this have to do with my fetish? I'm not completely sure, but addictions are all about trying to satisfy needs that we really should be taking to God, and I think I've come a bit closer to understanding what I've been wanting.

Shutting off of emotion is also a quality that has appealed to me in my ideal fetish scenario. I always liked the "damsel in distress" to not actually appear distressed but to be keeping a level head about the situation. It's not like I want her to be enjoying it... just keeping calm in the face of danger. Seeing her cry or express fear regarding her bondage was always a huge turn-off. I came to find that I was starting to like blindfolds too, perhaps because they hide the eyes... said to be the window to the soul!

Anyway there's lots more work to be done here. I just wanted to report what may be an important stepping stone towards healing, and I pray for God to reveal more and meet the needs I don't even know that I have.

 

Thanks @Roady, yes that image is a helpful diagram that sums it up perfectly. I was reading a bit more yesterday that there's even neuroscientific evidence to support it, with respect to the thinking (neo-cortex) and feeling (limbic system) parts of the brain anyway. Essentially the neo-cortex inhibits the limbic system when the latter creates too much 'noise'. It's like closing a door so you aren't distracted by sounds in the next room. But we need to learn to open that door sometimes and process that noise.