Wrestling with a fetish all my life

No PMO for a few weeks. Still some M alone though. M or not, I’m still finding it too easy to allow fantasies into my brain. In many respects, I am using my imagination as a ‘P-sub’. There is still some part of me that is hoping for a ‘loophole’ that excuses my old drawing or self-bondage habits, and it’s as though the fantasies I get anticipate that day when I find this loophole and exploit it. But there can be no loopholes when there is no law, and what God truly desires is a pure heart. These worldly desires are not those of a pure heart. Please Father, change my heart.

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I’ve been reflecting a lot on the Biblical perspective of caring for parents, and balancing this with serving God in the mission field, wherever one may feel called to serve.

Matthew 10:37: “Whoever loves his father and mother more than me is not worthy of me”

Luke 14:26: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (my study Bible notes tell me here “hate” is semetic expression for loving less)

Luke 18:29-30: “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life”

Passages like this have often left me worried that too much time caring for my parents when more time could be spent serving my church or witnessing in other ways is some form of idolatry. When missionaries step down in order to return home and care for family, are they not guilty of loving their parents more than God? However, I felt some reassurance after reading 1 Timothy recently:

1 Timothy 5:3-8: “Honor widows who are truly widows. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. She who is truly a widows, left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day, but she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives. Command these things as well, so that they may be without reproach. But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

I guess when Jesus speaks of leaving one’s family for His Kingdom, He is talking more about those who are not willing to compromise familial relationships in order to accept Jesus as Lord and saviour, when, for example, they expect that those families would reject them for doing so. After all, the Luke 14 passage I shared comes just after the parable of the banquet, in which Jesus condemns those who reject his invitation to salvation for worldly excuses.

On the other hand, the 1 Timothy passage is very clear that caring for one’s family is important, to the extent that refusing to do so is tantamount to “denying the faith and is worse than an unbeliever”. Even if our family do reject us for following The Way, this doesn’t mean we can’t still make every effort to support them insofar as they will allow us to.

There is also of course the call from the 10 commandments to honour one’s Father and Mother. So, I suppose also that for any missionary, teacher or other servant of God to teach God’s word and not care for their own family would be serious hypocrisy.

So in summary, the way I now interpret scripture’s stance on this issue is that scripture places care for elderly parents (and family in general) with high regard, and only if it is detrimental to our faith as a whole, and/or they refuse our support are we no longer responsible for it. I would appreciate others’ thoughts on this issue.

“Balancing” scripture certainly seems to be a recurring theme for me lately. Another example from a few posts back is the trade-off between diligence and trusting in one’s own strength.

 

MO’d in bed this morning, and MO’d a couple of times later in the day purely out of frustration. I’m losing control again, not good.

Work is tough. Expectations are high. People outside work aren’t doing what they say they will or are not being responsive. One situation improves but then another throws up something unexpected.

My temptations are mostly for returning to my old fetish art. But it’s strange…. I feel very little compulsion to actually make myself do it, but my fantasies can’t let go of the possibility that I might. It’s like every morning I’m waking up tempted to draw my fantasies again, even though I genuinely don’t want to, so I just end up masturbating to the fantasies in my head alone.

Please note I do not intend to do the “solution” I’m about to discuss; the sad thing is that what has “worked” before was to draw without M-ing for a while before destroying the drawings. It helped me disconnect my fetish from the habit of masturbation. But I don’t like that that worked. It’s still driven by lust and not a biblical solution. The drawing also started to become a chore, and when I wasn’t doing it I hated knowing that these unhelpful images I had drawn were sitting in my home or on my computer.

I feel honest about not wanting to do it that way again. But at the same time, I wake up thinking about what I drew and what I want to draw. Sooner or later I touch myself and I’m M-ing again. Occasionally this is leading to O.

P doesn’t appeal to me either. I’ve come to see the lies behind it for what they are. I realise there’s no perfect scene, that hunting and seeking is a complete waste of time. Drawing was harder to get over because there’s no seeking when you are creating, and I could create my “perfect scene”. But it still became stressful and time consuming to get there, and I grew to hate going through the obsession of this act. It too was full of lies, just very different ones from online content. But a part of me is still tempted by it first thing in the morning, even though I never actually do it.

It’s like I’ve completely gone off the idea of putting these fantasies to paper, but the images themselves are still living rent-free in my head and are enough on their own for me to get off on. Maybe I’m struggling to accept that despite mostly overcoming the lies of porn and my own art, that sin within me still enjoys masturbating to pure thoughts.

I’ve disconnected the reality from my fantasy… but I’m still tempted by the pure fantasy. No online video or image will ever truly fulfil my fantasy and anything I draw takes too much effort and I know I will just destroy it sooner or later. But the fantasy itself still exists, and I struggle to let go of it even if it is completely disconnected from reality.

I want God to fill my thoughts. I want it to be Him I wake up thinking about and to whom I immediately turn in times of stress. I’m not working hard enough to make this habit my reality.

I know that the trials God is putting before me are to strengthen me and test me, and to remind me to put trust in Him and not in my own strengths. I failed today by letting frustration get the better of me. Father, I am sorry. Please help me to turn to you for rest in times of pressure, to let go for a while and let you oversee what I cannot control. Please help me not to turn for meaningless worldly pleasure and remind me that all this does is bring me more pain. Please change my heart O God.

I need more support with the things that stress me. I had a carer's need assessment today and they gave me information about support groups. I had been putting these off thinking that I'd doing fine without them but
1. I'm clearly not
2. It's not just about me. Perhaps I can help others in those groups.

 

Sorry for my silence. I relapsed hard, not gonna lie. Full PMO and I was too ashamed to post here, but that just led to more sessions. The difficulty resisting M while lying down combined with all the stress I’ve been dealing with became too much and I did many things I said I wouldn’t do in previous posts. I am not in control right now.

It was true that I didn’t want to look at porn or draw at the time I wrote recent posts, but one tiny slip of judgement and I wanted to do this things again. The desires for those things just came flooding back. The mindset that wants evil things is still there, just dormant until triggered. I’ve come to realise how much I’ve underestimated the power of a trigger, and that smaller triggers can actually be more powerful. We’re on our guard with big triggers. Small triggers are stealthy, sneaking into our minds undetected then striking us as the weakest point.

I have had many reflections and temptations but not made any effort to report them here. Partly shame, but also partly I’ve been using busyness as an excuse. In all honesty, since my relapse back in March I just haven’t really had the determination to fight this that I had when I joined NoFap. I really didn’t wanted to return to old habits, but I see that I have underestimated the power of triggers to change what I want. Even if I’m not feeling that discipline I had when I joined NoFap, it’s time to return to the healthy habits I had back then, including posting daily.

Work had a pressing deadline on top of supporting new colleagues, and in parallel I’ve been busy viewing houses while of course caring for parents. The weight has been too much. I have to find ways to put less pressure on myself, and to be more prepared for any level of stress so that I don't turn to lust for comfort as I lose control.

There’s so much more I could say right now, but I figured the more I planned to write the more I’d but off getting back into a habit of posting here daily. So here I am.

Day 1.

I will share one thing I had started to write up, regarding my morning devotions:

Mornings are the most difficult times, when I let my mind wander into bad places. I always read scripture in the morning, but I had been following a plan. It’s one that overall I have wanted to follow, but involves going through parts of Scripture I find it harder to focus on first thing in the morning. Those parts either don’t inspire me to reflect when finish, or when I wake up in the middle of the night (when I’m also prone to temptation), I’m not inspired to do my reading early because I’m not motivated to get through that particular part of my plan.

Now, I’m not against scripture reading plans. I see it as discipline and not legalism. But I don’t believe this is how I should be picturing my morning (or midnight if I wake too early) scripture readings given my current struggles. There are parts of Scripture that genuinely drive my curiosity and could easily get lost in. So at this time of the day, I feel it’s more appropriate to let my curiosity and wonder drive my scripture reading. If I want to follow a plan, I’ll have a separate session later in the day.

 

Thanks Tao

Day 2 and no huge temptations. Some thoughts of "oh I wish I'd looked at *that* video when I relapsed" but they passed. I'd be foolish to assume they won't come back though.

I'm struggling with having so much on my mind. It's not the time that's the problem, more the fact that I can't focus on individual things because others are rattling around in my brain.

Doesn't help that I'm constantly waiting for estate agents to phone. I struggle to concentrate when I know there's a good probability of interruption.

 

Day 3, nothing big to report. A busy day with lots of people in the office... this can stress me out as I find it difficult to focus, but networking with colleagues was very fruitful.

 

Forgot to post for days 4 and 5. Or rather, I didn't forget, I just didn't find the time. Friday I can excuse as I was busy, Saturday not so much. Anyway consider this a check-in for those 2 days.

Some more tricks of the mind to report:

• More "I wish I had looked at that video/image" thoughts. Similarly with things I could have drawn.
• An old train of thought resurfaced on Friday: "can't wait to spend some time with the fetish at the weekend". It was a brief thought, but worrying that my relapse seems to have reignited that old neural circuit.

With respect to the latter, I used to plan my self-bondage sessions in advance. Even though I was "trying" to quit, I'd also be planning my "final" session before I "really give up". When I wasn't living alone, I'd always be waiting in anticipation for a period of time when I could do this activity without fear of anybody walking in on me (it's not as easy to quickly hide as snapping your laptop lid shut when you hear the door knock, for example!). If I realised all my housemates would be out on a particular day, I'd have that day blocked out for my activities. If it turned out a housemate had to cancel that away day, I'd secretly become very frustrated.

I would be thinking about who I wanted to pretend to be during my "fetish day", making mental lists, letting myself be inspired by attractive women I saw on the street or on TV, etc.

I detest such thinking now. Planning these days is planning evil. Proverbs 6:18 lists "a heart that devises wicked schemes" as among the things the Lord hates. Some other Proverbs say similar things:

• 14:22: Do they not go astray who devise evil?
  
• 16:27: A worthless man plots evil

Despite my slips since joining NoFap, I haven't engaged in these self-bondage sessions for at least 2 years. But if my latest relapse is anything to go by, I must remain vigilant and not assume my heart will never slip back down that dark path. In fact the couple of sessions I had 2 years ago were after a break of 4 or 5 years.

Friday's thought of anticipation wasn't actually towards this particular activity, rather to the internet material and my own drawings from this recent relapse. But it reminded me of those darker times when I was in less control.

I read somewhere that even when we break the habit and rewire our brains to resist more temptations, the neural circuits that follow a trigger are still there. We have made it harder to squeeze the trigger, but the rest of the mechanism still works and is just as deadly as it ever was. My recent failures are proof of that.

 

Yesterday itself was good and mostly temptation-free.

Right now I'm in the middle of a negotiation on a house purchase and it's close to make-or-break point. It's got me pretty tense, so felt I should log this immediately given that stress had triggered PMO so easily recently. Not feeling the temptation but let's please pray it stays that way!

 

No closure on the negotiation, and I'm still somewhat tense, but at least I've made it through one more day without PMO.

Flicking through some more Proverbs I was humbled by some that address temper. To lose one's temper is considered foolishness in this book. I did lose my temper at an agent earlier, which I'm not proud of. It was a legitimate concern but I could have handled it better and with more patience.

It's particularly humbling to think that although I'm trying to think my way carefully through this process and also present myself as somebody not easily fooled, I'm still prone to acts of folly I hadn't even considered to be so.

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Also lately the busy-ness of trying to move and support my parents has left me with little social time, and I realised yesterday this is really starting to get to me. This is in fact one motivation to move, as I'm not as well connected to my support network geographically as I'd like to be.

 

Still negotiating, and the weight of this on my mind is still making it hard to focus on work.

No significant temptations today.

 

Offer finally accepted, Praise God! I've been here before though, and that all fell through. So I'm cautiously optimistic! If that all happens again, it's because God wants me where I am for a bit longer. Glory to God either way.

Please pray that I will act in a Godly manner no matter where things go from here, and that my wisdom will manifest in all aspects of life: not only in what I do but with respect to my temper and other emotions we may not immediately associate with wisdom.

Some temptation upon seeing one lady earlier, but nothing strong.

 

Thank you CPilot, I will indeed continue to remember you in my prayers!

I've been waking up with strong temptations again, so please all pray against that. The sin in me today was acting entitled... it seemed to be trying to convince me I "deserve" to allow myself to give in, but I know this is a lie.

So glad it's the weekend anyway. It's been a long week!