Check in: Yesterday went well. Been trying to fight fantasy and objectification by diverting my attention. Been overeating as well. Still happy to be clean another day from PMO. Today might be tough, but I must continue to be mindful of my eyes and emotions and which attention both give to the world around me.
That's similar to what ask myself when tempted. "Are you serious about stopping this time? Then stop."
Great day yesterday. 1/2 day meditation retreat (online), then in-person Dharma Recovery meeting, followed by a fun evening with friends. Sometimes great days are followed by trigger-filled nights of self-defeating thinking or "ideas." Tried to stay mindful of this and I made it through. No PMO and only mild urges. Not much planned for today. Unstructured time is often dangerous. I'm still feeling the effects of yesterday's mindfulness and presence of mind, so far anyway. Tennis match this afternoon with a friend who is also in recovery, then setting the intention to meditate and do some writing.
Is the retreat available online and public? An online retreat would be great for me sometimes. Curious if you can share more details? If it’s easier, a PM would work.
In my early stages I deliberately avoided anything that I expected there to be sexual content in. Thing is, it left me with bareley anything to watch... hahahha.... literally EVERY programme is sexualised in some way. Now I'm seeing TV with a more "knowing" perspective I find it quite astounding, the constant sexualization. I enjoy the superficiality of the experience but am really pleased to have got to a state where I'm in control of my old desire to M & O over it but not driven to anymore
As flyswat said "unstructured time is often dangerous" Another way to provide some structure and stability: If you've never heard of Recovery Nation, you should check them out at https://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_contents.php Jon Marsh (who has since died) developed a whole series of lessons to help people who people who are trying to recover from porn addiction. Maybe what you need is some structure. I have found that working through his lessons has helped me a lot.
Fantasy is soooo difficult to stop. But you'll get there... I'm literally rolling my eyes at myself when fantasies enter my head now, it's like I'm saying "ffs mate" to myself without even having to think about it. It's WICKED when you elevate above it. Can't wait for you to experience that
Yesterday was good. So great that you've attained a state where you feel in control of the desire to PMO, and not the other way around. It's taken me a little while to really internalize that looking at any image, moving or otherwise, with the intention of taking a dopamine hit is not very different from straight up P. On the Your Brain on P website they recommend not using anything with pixels in it for Dopamine hits. Even printed images have pixels if you look closely enough. It's so simple even an addict like myself can understand, and more importantly, remember it.
Good day yesterday. Found myself watching a viking/barbarian type show and I thought about what @clark k said in a prior post. No triggers (just swords and spears). Ran and did some strength exercises after that. Woke up in the middle of the night with a strong urge to PMO, but rode it out. Just sat with it. Took a while to get back to sleep, but I did.
Having a second flatline and really not enjoying it I miss my raw essence that I was experiencing... The desire for self stimulation is really strong to try to fabricate that feeling, but I'm holding the physical line. Whilst doing so, I experience myself trying to stimulate myself mentally instead (mental M I guess) but the affirming thing is, that my body isn't really having it. The fantasies just aren't working. It's like I don't even need to fight them, my body's kinda just going "meh" to them instead. Arousal that I have from fantasy has no agency behind it anymore, I experience it as a false state. I feel very fortunate to have sat in the intrinsic charge of my raw sexual energy since rebooting, so anything other than the real thing just seems... unproductive, I guess it feels, now (Though I would still kill to have "unproductive" Os with women atm, I really miss the physical workout of sex, in the same way that I'm missing spin having not got to a class last week. I'll see if that changes by the time I get to 90 days. I expect not as I don't think that's from ego, I think that's just my enjoyment of working out and natually being a physical active man). There's just no point in faking it any more, I guess that's just what my body is telling me. This flatline is completely different to the previous one I had. The first was welcome cos it was right at the beginning of my reboot and got me off to a great start. This time, I feel a little vacant being switched off like this - or in more like a kind stand-by mode lol - but I remember reading plenty on here not to panic and just wait out a flatline, don't let it derail you. So going with the flow and honouring what my body is doing/not doing haha and letting it be. Yawn .
Hello everyone! It's been quite a few days since I could go through the group, I had a lot of work and then I was sick for a week... Thank goodness it was PM free weeks. I hope you are well, I will update the ranking shortly.
Sorry for the delay, I was not available! Yes, this is the group, but when you are part of it, you appear in the ranking of post #1, which is manually updated periodically.
The only way to ensure no flat lines in your future is to wait and walk slowly through the flatline today. Check in: Clean for six days. Been feeling very tired the last few days. Still working out, meditating daily and when I get stressed. Probably eating too much still to boost dopamine. At least been working out a lot. Listened to a great album when I ran yesterday about recovering and it got me energized and emotional. Last night I was sleepy, so I stayed in open spaces with my computer, so if temptation came. I did test a website from my last binge to see if I had access to it. I did, so I went and double checked it in my filter and then cleared cache to hopefully force the filter stops it. My wife leaves next week for a trip and I’ve added details on my plan to my personal journal on NoFap. Hopefully by planning ahead I can be prepared. It’s also helpful for me to plan now because by next week when she’s getting ready to leave, I’ll be more resistant to some of the activities I need to remove in order to be safe while she’s gone.
hey bro thank you for your reflection. I like to lovingly challenge you on this, I do appreciate your response which is giving me approval that I am doing the right thing, but to be lovingly honest, it is only a belief that says "those temptations are so hard to overcome" which then makes them scary, but I realize, these temptations are the easiest thing to overcome if one realises that they are not supported by life, and they are an illusion. So previously when deeply in addiction, I would have a thought "i like to watch porn" and my mind would react to the thought "oh shit, this tmpation is too powerful and I am going to relapse" and so i was giving it power because I thought this temptation in itself has power, authority and validity. As I am evolving to higher awareness I am recognizing there are certain things that are supported by life, grace, life, and there are some appearances that are not, they are a false appearances which I keep alive by me giving it power (through fear or desire) but the new realization that tempation has no power over me, only the power I give it by accepting it as a power, then it becomes hard to overcome, but the minute I realize I have a choice now to accept this temptation as a power over me or see it for what it is, a belief, mesmirsable and shadow and lacking any power, i can easily let it go. it takes a second to do not even a sec.
I love what you said "just sat with it" that is HUGE! I find sitting in meditation posture and with conscious decision that I am going to sit and be peaceful and let whatever storm come. There is a book called zen mind beginners mind which talkes about this, developing the right posture, which enables one to face any turbulence with peacefulness and equanimity. He talks about an example... paraphrasing "perhaps your child is sick and you can not sleep because you are concerned for him, the only thing you can do is to sit in the zen posture, and through years of your practice, you have strength in your posture, and you can face any disturbances" I did this once on a crazy muschroom trip, I was freaking out, and through sitting with such a posture and just focusing on the breath (one in and one out) I was able ride out a very seeming challenging temptation (bad trip)
